Feeling Jaded

I've noticed a change in myself the past few years, and while I know that some of it is good and some is bad, I find it helpful to tell others and receive some feedback. It helps me arrange what I really think about it.

I used to be quite a go-getter. I was moving up the ranks at my job and probably had more promotions in store. I took pleasure and pride in working hard and doing a good job. I also toyed with the idea of joining the military. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do, but I believed that I had some true potential to do great things in life. I had dreams about living in different countries just to see what it was like, starting a business, raising a wonderful family, etc.

I had been growing frustrated with the stresses of my job around this time. It was starting to look like kind of a bum deal. One day, I had what I can only describe as a minor nervous breakdown. I had been in a depressed mood, which occurred from time to time, but on this particular day, my whole world seemed to be crashing down. Nothing bad had really happened; it was a normal day, but I just felt like I was doing a terrible job, like I wasn't cut out for that work, like I would never amount to anything, and that my life would be full of misery. I felt like crying all day, but I choked it back and toughed out the rest of my shift. As soon as I drove out of the parking lot, I started bawling my eyes out and continued doing it all the way home. Everyone gets in moods where they just feel blue, but this was much worse. That was the worst bout of depression I had ever experienced, and nothing has surpassed it to this day (thankfully).

I don't really remember how that episode ended; I guess I just gradually felt better, but I was never the same after that one day. I gave up on my ideas of joining the military or having some illustrious career. I abandoned all cares about what I did with my life. My new goal was (and still is) to find a comfortable, easy routine and settle into it for the rest of my life. I don't want to work, I don't want to have a family, I really don't want to do anything at all. I used to take pride in being a kind and helpful person, but most people now just seem to irritate me, especially when they ask for favors.

I'm still capable of being happy, I just seem to have lost my drive or energy. The things that make me happy basically consist of very relaxing activities. It's like I've had my fill of stress and excitement for the rest of my life even though I'm only 26.

Here's a strange tidbit: I used to get boozed up every weekend and get a little wild, and you might expect me to drown my newfound apathy in alcohol, but I don't even really like drinking anymore. It's just not as fun as it once was. I guess that's a good thing, though.

The one thing that I actually have some energy towards is my potential writing career. I've been doing a lot of freelance writing jobs and making some attempts at writing fiction. I think that if I can build on these opportunities, I could quit my job and work from home. I do believe that I have that spark that is present in great writers; I just have to learn how to make it work for me. The thing is, I'm not as excited about this opportunity as I would have been before my "breakdown". I think that maybe it's just my mercantile mind chasing dollars rather than my soul craving self-actualization.

This story doesn't really go anywhere; I just wanted the comfort of telling someone else about how my fire seems to have gone out of me. Thanks for reading! I'd appreciate any feedback you might have.

I can relate to the way you feel. Like when you describe yourself "It's like I've had my fill of stress and excitement for the rest of my life even though I'm only 26. " I think I'm like that alot too.

I'm most content not having to do anything much, don't really feel motivated for anything intrinsically.
I find most of the things I do are extrinsically motivated and as a consquence I always feel like a bag of unrealised potential.

Like you I have had a period of depression and when I recovered I was never "the same" I will forever be in some sort of grey area where as I see others in a white or black. Not really depressed but not genuinly happy or content either.

The fact that you like to write sounds like it makes you feel intrinsically motivated to self-actualise. You feel you have something more inside of you and it might be in your writing that it comes to life. I'm still searching what my "thing" will be in which I can feel like I'm using my potential. As silly as it may sound I have always felt like I wanted to write, I have words, lines and small stories coming in my mind, playing with it, it makes me feel inspired. But I feel I have no way of wielding my inspiration or potential. I have no actual talent.

Maybe google dysthymia, I have been diagnosed with it. I'd like to hear from you again.