The New Salad Disorder (Help Wanted)

Hello my unknown friends who are seeking better lives for themselves!

I'm new. I'm 22, female. I was scrolling through the forums, found several that apply, but none fully except this one. I create so many problems for myself. I'm bulimic-ish. As in 1-2x per week, but pretty consistently. I've been self-injurious. First time seven years ago after a friend took advantage of me sexually while I had alcohol poisoning. I eat the skin on my fingers until they look like raw sausages. Pop pills like candy just to get away from myself. I've wrapped one night stands around my hands like wedding bands- so many that I no longer promise myself I'll stop, because I know I won't. Each one just makes me numb now. I've lost track of how many bridges I've burned. All I feel is empty. I hate being alone with myself- I'm the worst company.

But you'd never know that if you met me. Never ever. On paper, my life is perfect. I'm privileged. I went to a top tier University. Have a good job that I got right out of college. People think I'm confident. And I despise everything about myself. Including the fact that I have no reason to be so upset. It makes me feel so weak and useless because I should be able to put myself together. I feed off of other peoples' affection for me. I feel high when I do something right in someone's eyes, and feel unbelievably depressed when someone does not like me. Even people I do not care about. I'm paranoid and anxious and assume the worst, often hilariously. I imagine small gestures and looks people give me to mean that they despise me or wish me ill will. I feel as though I don't fit within the confines of my own skin. I'm nervous that one day I'll break down in a fit of tears/screams in an inappropriate situation for seemingly no reason.

I've never fit in and I pretty much never will. But I have absolutely no idea how to go about finally accepting this. I want to be content. But I recently realized that I have absolutely no idea what that concept even means.

Even reading over this makes me sick. Please please, good people, be gentle-- harsh words will hurt me more than you know. I'm legitimately looking for help, but scheduling appointments with professionals takes weeks- sometimes months what with overbooking.

But thank you in advance- for anyone who took a several minutes to read my drivel. It feels kind of nice just to let it out and stop pretending for once.

Why are you like this?
My first port of call will have to be the question;
How was your childhood?
Are you close to mum, dad. how about siblings are you close to them?
Did your childhood screw you up, like mine did?