No one on my side...trying to hang on.

I've been suffering from depression for a majority of my life, but didn't seek medical help until about 3 years when I realized I could no longer get out of bed each morning, had anxiety attacks, and couldn't stop crying at least once a day. I went to a pdoc who put me on an SSRI and valium to take occasionally. Due to overwhelming stress with grad school and trying to begin my career, financial instability, failed relationship, and taking (and failing) my licensing exams, I was so mentally and emotionally worn down, I was having suicidal thoughts and at one point, either due to the stress, anxiety, or exhaustion, I collapsed one morning on my bathroom floor while getting dressed for work. I remember lying on my bathroom tile, not being able to move, wondering whether (and how) to call for an ambulance, and realizing that I had 3 months worth of garbage sitting in my living room and my apartment looked like it belonged to a hoarder. I managed to lift myself up from the bathroom floor, make my way to my bedroom bed, lie down, then got dressed and went to work. My job was demanding and draining and wouldn't have been supportive of any excuses. My work schedule was so demanding at the time that I wasn't able to see my doctor about the fainting spell until about a month later. He put me on some heart monitor and noted that I had shown symptoms pointing to a particular congenital heart defect that although can be cured, would require surgery. I was only a few months into my job and didn't want to risk losing my new health insurance or future health coverage (if I were to lose this job) by treating this heart condition at this time.

The SSRI meds made me foggy and apathetic and so I discontinued the drug with my pdoc's help. I tried to get out of my depression in many ways, but felt myself thinking about suicide more often than not, and when I wasn't at work, I was sobbing alone. Eventually, I couldn't even make it out to the grocery store because I was so exhausted. I stopped answering phone calls from friends or seeing people that I didn't have to. I tried my best to hang on to any ounce of hope that I had, but due to circumstances outside of my own control, I was forced to give up my apartment and move back in with my parents at age 30. I had failed my licensing exam and felt it would be best to give up my job temporarily in order to fully prepare for this exam. I spent the last of my $ on moving expenses and made it back to my parents.

And a few months later, I did finally pass my licensing exam. However, I was still suffering from extreme anxiety and panic attacks daily and trying to deal with the fear associated to my past experiences at work. My previous job told me that they didn't want me back, which left me feeling even more knocked down than before. I went back to my pdoc about 5 months later, and she suggested that I try another SSRI. This time, it has helped a bit with my mood overall, but there is still fogginess and apathy.

In the meantime, my family has been fed up with me living in their house. To them, I have thrown away my life. I told them that I'm depressed and need some time to recover before heading back out but they tell me that I'm just holding myself back from my potential and being lazy and that I'm an embarrassment to them. I'm no longer allowed to leave the house during the weekdays in case any of the neighbors see me and find out that my parents' 30 year old "professional" daughter is cooped up at home in PJs.

I have known for a few years now that my mother is the textbook definition of a narcissistic parent. My sister has always been the "golden child" and I was the "scapegoat." And this has become more and more pronounced ever since I moved home and have not felt ready to do as my mother would like and to get out and look for a job.

I do want to get back out there and I want to feel good about life and about myself again, but it takes time, and it takes time for me to recover. My parents tell me that I cannot be loved by another unless I'm working and contributing to society. I have not one single friend with whom I am in contact with. I only see one person on and off who is not my family -- a man who seems to only want to see me for sex twice month at most, but I still hold onto some possibility that things might someday be more between us... if only I could get my life back in order some day.

Being at home is much like walking on eggshells day in and day out and being judged constantly, but not quite sure when my mother will begin to yell at me and tell me when I'm going to get off my butt and find a job and how much of an inconsiderate loser I am. How she's at the end of her rope already and seeing me makes her disgusted.

Honestly, I wonder myself when I will get out of this rut and WHY I am still in this situation. Yes, I still cry and feel terribly sad, but the new SSRI has made me feel better than before. I might be scared of taking that first step, and I know that I keep getting close to it, but then certain arguments with my mother will make me fall back down into anger and sadness. Am I using her as a crutch for my own personal fears?

Everytime we argue and she tells me how much of a lazy loser I am and why I'm still living here, why I'm in bed so much, I get so angry and upset and I just fall into this sadness over the reality of how bad things really have gotten for me.

I don't know why I'm posting here because I don't know what my question is. I think I just want to know whether I'm just being a spoiled and lazy brat, using my mother as a crutch, or whether I do need to take things at my own pace for my own well being.

I don't really have anyone who I am talk to about these things and due to financial concerns as well as my inability to leave the house, I am very limited in pdoc visits. Any help at all, even towards a book, or just your thoughts, I'd appreciate greatly. Thanks.

My parents tell me that I cannot be loved by another unless I'm working and contributing to society.

That's a terrible thing to say. It's also completely untrue.

Am I using her as a crutch for my own personal fears?

I'd say no. It sounds more like insight into how your mother set you up for the situation you're now in by filling your head full of nonsense. She prepared you for a life of feeling like a failure, and feeling powerless, and now you're living it.

*big hugs* AshleyKate

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Your mother is obviously ignorant about depression and treating you very unkindly. You are not lazy or a loser or any of that. Being told these things is obviously not helping - how would that help anyone? While the depression has knocked you back some currently, you did finish grad school, worked at a demanding job, passed exams - all things to be proud of and show you are a hard working, determined person.

It makes sense you need some time to heal and recover and I hope the forum gives you some comfort and you don't feel so alone in this. There are ppl who understand.

Best wishes,
Jan

Ashley..I am so sorry for what you are going through.I understand.I too was a target child,and at times,still am as an adult.I have several siblings,and me and another one,for reasons unknown,were abused more severely by a horrid narcisstic father and had no protection from a mother who was either in denial,or more concerned with her own well being.I have a collagen/vascular disease,and at times couldnt always work well and would end up moving back home.I think that would severely shame my father,as he was and still is very materialistic and egotistical.Also very shallow and worried what others thought.If only he would have worried what we,his family thought...He made my life a living hell at times..Which just added to me not feeling well.Realize life is a journey..realize why you are still young,that it is ok to put yourself first and try to heal.Take the time to heal yourself and soul.Im in my 40s now and am just realizing the abuse was never about me,but the healing is.You are overwhelmed right now and need to find some inner peace.Your mothers abuse just reinforces your depression.IDK if this would help,but maybe someone can recommend a book on depression that your mom,if willing,could read,and maybe that would help her understand where you are coming from.Life is too short and too beautiful to live through the eyes of someone else.Live it through your own eyes and soul.Soon things will fall into place.Life goes in up and down cycles.Depression lifts.I pray you find peace and happiness in life..And I agree with the other two replies...sounds like your mom needs to work on herself and better her own person.XX

As a starting point I would check out a book on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the techniques can be self taught and can help take the edge off the depression.

Dear AshleyKate,

Wow, we have similarities in our stories. I had a physically abusive father (who I think is a narcissist) and my mother is a definitely narc, I would go as far as to say she is a malignant narcissist. My mother allowed my father to abuse me and would actually leave the room when the beatings would infringe on her "space." and if that weren't offensive enough, now she tries to deny the severity of what happened and also pretend that she doesn't remember stuff. Sickening!

The horrible depression and anxiety that people with npd cause is terrible!! It makes us over-analyze ourselves and just..... ugggghhhhh!!!! I just cannot stand narcissism!!

I read a book that was sooo helpful called "Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller. Very good book! Also, there is a wonderful website called "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers".

Take care of yourself and remember that you have as much of a right to exist on this earth as anyone else!

Trixie

AshleyKate
I have known for a few years now that my mother is the textbook definition of a narcissistic parent. My sister has always been the "golden child" and I was the "scapegoat." And this has become more and more pronounced ever since I moved home and have not felt ready to do as my mother would like and to get out and look for a job.

NPD make dreadful parents. I too am a scapegoat and have received no help or encouragement from my malignant NPD mother. Even when I suffered clinical depression as a young teen, she looked at me with disgust. She did not care or comfort me.

IAmtTrixie
The horrible depression and anxiety that people with npd cause is terrible!! It makes us over-analyze ourselves and just..... ugggghhhhh!!!! I just cannot stand narcissism!!

Me too. Narcs are destroyers.

Also, there is a wonderful website called "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers".

Take care of yourself and remember that you have as much of a right to exist on this earth as anyone else!

DONM is a great website, but it has closed which is a shame. Karyl Mcbride is on facebook she is helpful. Try to read these;
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride and Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward. Both are good books.