Life isn't worth it anymore

Hi everyone,

I've always been a believer that, when it comes to life and living, quality definitely comes over quantity. Recently my health has taken a turn for the worse, and that phrase has certainly been put to the test.

After years of non-specific symptoms and months of pain and trips to the emergency room, I've been diagnosed with IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome); a diagnosis which nobody takes seriously. They all just reply with 'oh, you mean the shits?' I wish I could tell them about the excruciating pain and the medicine and life-style changes I have have to made because of it (I am almost 22).

On top of that, I have a rather nasty immune system. By that, I mean that it positively hates me. I get anything that's going around from a cold, to the flu, to bronchitis, and I get them frequently. I don't know why, I have always been like this.

Needless to say, nobody is very happy with this. I am constantly taking time off sick from work, and I'm pretty certain that my employer thinks that I am simply trying to play truant, when in actual fact I really like my job. But I've only been there for 10 months, and this certainly doesn't make a good impression.

My father (whom I live with) gets very annoyed whenever I am sick. If I tell him that I do not want dinner because I am feeling ill, he explodes and says things like "you're always sick!" and "you never want to eat!". He accuses me of making it up in order to avoid dinner (I used to be bulimic, and after years of trying to avoid meals, I find this very cruel irony). When I shut my mouth and try to eat, I always leave a nearly-full plate, to which he reacts in anger, also.

My boyfriend is a police-officer and is constantly away on work, so I don't really see him much during the week. And when I do, I am usually sick; either with stomach pain, or some virus, or both. My IBS pains became really severe just a few weeks after we started going out with each other, so he's almost always known me like this. I wish he could have seen a healthier side of me, but there's nothing I can do about that.

My social life has also taken a back seat; whenever I am invited out somewhere, I can never give a solid answer, as I have no idea how I'll be feeling that day. Sometimes I have to flatly refuse, because there may not be bathrooms around (such as the beach, or hiking) which I can use for long periods of time without being distracted. It has also become somewhat of a joke to my friends: "Bex, you're a walking host of diseases!", that sort of things. I try to laugh along with them, but in actual fact it just brings my mood down even more.

Needless to say, I have stopped telling people how I feel, both physically and emotionally. "How are you?" is something we ask absently-mindedly, just to be polite, but I hate that question. Should I be honest and say "Well, I've got horrid cramps today" or "I've got a sore throat, actually"? I usually just say "I'm ok", which is far from the truth.

I used to think that this was a test of faith, that it wasn't a coincidence that I met my boyfriend AND became ill at the same time. After years of being suicidal, I thought that perhaps God (or whoever is up there) was testing whether or not I truly DID want to live or not.

I desperately DO NOT want others or myself to pity me, but when I am lying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, wracked with pain, I think "God, please be with me", but when it happens over and over again, God looks very far away.

I did not think that at 21 my life would change so drastically. I look at pictures on Facebook of people my age getting drunk and going to parties and they take their health so much for granted.

It's simply not fair; After so much hard work at trying to overcome my eating disorder, and making a commitment to my health, to suddenly become like this was the biggest slap in the face I could ever imagine. It sometimes feel like a child throwing a temper tantrum, but sometimes I need to explode and scream into a pillow to let it out. It helps, but only for a while.

I do not want to continue on like this; I have had enough of being tested and living in pain and watching life go right by me and being ridiculed and angering my family. I cannot see another way out from this other than taking my own life when it all becomes too much to cope with.

Thank you for reading.

Yours,

Rivqah

The fact that you had an eating disorder and now have irritable bowel syndrome makes me wonder if some of the healthy bacteria in your digestive tract is gone.

I've heard that transplanting bacteria from a healthy person's intestines can often work miracles:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fecal_bacteriotherapy

Also maybe non-homogenized milk or yogurt in small quantities would gradually rebuild your immune system and digestive system?

Try keeping careful track of everything you eat to determine if there is a particular food or ingredient that irritates you. Then you might be able to gradually increase that ingredient allowing your body to build up a tolerance.

Hope you can fix it somehow.