I'm not okay.

Here's some of my back story, when I was 15 (I am now 23) I tried to commit suicide by pill overdose, I went into a mental hospital for 8 days was released and went to counseling MANY times a week for years. I graduated my program and no longer attended counseling. Apparently I was cured. Well, the "disease" has reared it's ugly head yet again. All I think about is hurting myself, in what ways I can, what would hurt the most, what would be the least messy, all the aspects of it. I have yet to harm myself since the day I overdosed but my live-in boyfriend of 5 years is now working a job where he is gone for 8 days at a time and then home for the next 6 and him being gone is slowly killing me. I miss him so much it physically hurts. My eyes burn, my throat aches, my chest tightens, my stomach is in knots every second he is gone. And because he is out in the wilderness he doesn't have that great of phone service, which means no calls, very few texts.
I have been fighting and losing this battle with depression for months. Before he even got this job. I tried to go back into counseling, let me tell you the back story on that cause that was fun... -_-
I only have medical through the county and only one counseling office in my tiny town accepts my medical. So I called them, turns out I need a referral from my doctor, but I just moved here and you can't get an appointment at the hospital unless you are a patient, you can't become a patient unless you have been on a waitlist for 6 months, it's walk ins only. So I did my walk in and waited 3 hours to be seen, I then asked for a referral to the counseling office which my doctor got me. The referral had to be sent to the counseling office and I was told they would contact me to set up an appointment... a week went by, no call. 2 weeks went by, no call. On the 3rd week I called them and asked what was going on, apparently my paperwork had never been filed so they never called, anyways, I got my appointment and I went to see this new counselor, we talked for an hour and she said that I was so depressed that I needed to be seen every day, the next day when I was suppose to go in I got locked out of my apartment and my keys for EVERYTHING (including the key to the apartment and my car) was inside, as well as my phone, needless to say I missed my appointment, I called her and told her what happened and agreed to come in the next day, when I went in I was having a slightly better day and she sent me home after 20 minutes. When I went to the front desk to make a new appointment they told me they didn't make next day appointments and the next time I felt sad to just call and talk to my counselor, well I did that and she has yet to call me back after 3 messages. That was 4 months ago. I am still alive so far but I don't know for how much longer. I don't know what to do. I tried to get help and no one would answer my cries. I feel worthless now, that not even the people who dedicated their lives to helping those in need like myself care about me.

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time finding adequate help. It's disappointing to read that you have put in effort to try and get help for yourself, but the system itself isn't very supportive or helpful.

A lot of us here are in a similar mind frame to yourself. If you want to vent or just talk you can do so here. Obviously not the same as receiving professional help but there will be people reading and listening to you.