Don't want to live anymore

I'm young. Only 18 years old. I just got to go on a trip to Tokyo that I saved for all by myself. I have a boyfriend of almost two years. I'm registered for university in the fall. Everything seems fine on the really shallow surface. But I'm not okay. I haven't been this not-okay in a long time.

I'm a province away from my university with no savings (cause of the trip) and no help to get back with my things. My mother promised me that if I came to live with her that everything would work out but she just lied to me and now I'm stranded here. She claims she wants me to live with her because she misses me but all she wants me for is rent money and that's why she isn't helping me to leave. I have no money for an apartment near my university, no savings of any sort, and no way to even get back to the city my uni is in without paying a lot of money (a LOT of money) to ship my things back. On top of that, the only place that would hire me (because I have to be honest and tell interviewers that I'm going to be leaving the province as soon as possible) is super part time, so I'm making very little money to begin with, which means I have to wait longer to leave and start saving for school. Because of all this, I don't think I'm going to be able to go to school at all. I already took a year off for the Tokyo trip and at this point I just feel like an abysmal failure.

On top of all the uni stuff, my mom and step dad either want me out of the house now or paying rent, even though they know that I no longer have any money to do either of those things and THEY were the ones who wanted me to come here. They say that it is because they are hard pressed for money but they have a massive house, a trailer, two vehicles, a full fridge, and enough money to be throwing away into new fish tanks and outside crap while their daughter SAVING FOR THE HARDEST YEARS OF HER LIFE is going to be eating ramen and ketchup and working late into the nights just to survive living alone during university years. Yeah. That's nice. Considering they aren't going to be giving me a penny for school either, when I'm not even going to be making much in student loans because of how much my parents make.

My dad is just... ugh. He hates everything about me and isn't afraid to remind me every time I'm near him, and then sometimes even when I'm not. He treats me like garbage and is my primary motivation for wanting to kill myself most of the time. So obviously I'm not getting any help from him. He doesn't even want me to go to uni at all, he wants me to go into a trade because all he cares about is money. Which, like my mom and step dad, is why he wants me to live with him.

The only reason anyone in my family 'wants' me is because of money. I'm stranded here, loosing hope and motivation, and I'm starting to look at suicide as a valid option again. I want to get a doctorate, and at this point, I don't even think I'm going to be able to go to university for a day.

I don't even want to eat anymore because yesterday I watched my little siblings for 9 hours on 3 hours of sleep and then was yelled at and told that I didn't even deserve to be fed anymore when I said that I was tired and didnt want to watch them anymore since they were home.

Everything is just falling apart. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to dissapear off the planet so I can stop being an annoyance to everyone. No one really cares about me anyway.

Hey,

How are you doing?
I'm so sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now but it can get better! Please don't give up!
You are not a failure! I don't know of many 18 year olds who can save enough money for a trip to Tokyo!!
Your parents don't seem to be very helpful at all to you and tbh both seem pretty selfish! Is there any kind of advice centre etc you could go to and see if there are any other options available to you?
I also think talking to a professional about your depression and suicidal thoughts would be a very good idea!
Suicide won't make anything better and you could miss the chance to have a fantastic life! I know it's hard to believe that when you are so low but it really can be better.
I don't know you but I care about you!
Please let us know how you are and take care!
((Big Hugs))
willow

Thank you for the kind response. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see a professional, trust me, but I simply cannot afford it right now, and on top of that it would either offend my mother or she would ask a million questions. I need to just get out of this place.

And I know that not many people can afford a trip like that alone, but I DID and I made more than twice what I needed and squandered it on stuff, which is why I feel like a failure. I should have been able to afford the trip AND university, but I was stupid and ruined it for myself. Now my whole family is acting all ashamed of me and it's all my dad will talk about, how I'll never get anywhere in life because I can't save money. I just... ugh.

I want everything to just be fixed, but I know I'm not rich or blessed with loving parents so I get to do everyone completely alone and with no one to turn to for help. I feel like I might crack so hard under the pressure of trying to pay for school AND living expenses every month that I'll end up killing myself anyway, and then on top of that, if i get the loan I'm going to be THOUSANDS of dollars in debt with no guaranteed job and the idea of that just makes me want to die too. My family (and I) have such high expectations of me that I would rather not live than have to hear them tell me I'm a failure and a disappointment over and over. I feel like there is literally no positive outcome to anything at this point, because the chances of me magically getting through school without serious depression and/or debt is EXTREMELY low. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm not going to beat you up about your Tokyo trip. I think you've done that to yourself already. (BTW, I'm jealous!) Still, the behavior of your parents is disappointing. Unfortunately, I know only too well what it feels like. My has disappointed me at every turn. Does it ever get better? Yep. Like I've said in other forums, the biggest mistake I made was isolating myself. Yeah, I fell off the cliff that time. I'm back though and the least I can do is show and tell people what mistakes I made and also tell them it does get better.

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling bad. I get the feeling that you're beating yourself up about possible lost chances, which you have pinned all your hopes upon. Disappointment and uncertainty can be very painful, especially if a person is already depressed. Depression can make an uncertain situation seem ten times as bad, and a vicious circle can result, with the feelings of uncertainty and depression feeding upon each other. I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are also being unsupportive. None of these things, though, are a reason to kill yourself. There is a saying that suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem. Suicide would only prevent you from finding hope in the present and in the future, and rob you of the chance of a future that could be, can be, meaningful. Hope, no matter how seemingly tiny, can grow, and it is something you should never lose sight of.

I have been suicidal and today I AM GLAD TO BE ALIVE. Please, if you get these urges, you must tell someone. Please call the emergency services at your local hospital if you feel really bad. There is a part of you that is reaching out, that is scared of the thought of suicide,which tells me that on some level you know that this isn't a solution. Please speak to a help line, anything, but don't keep this to yourself.

I don't want to die, no. And I know it isn't a solution, really. But at the same time I don't see a point to life if I can't accomplish something. Happy or not, if I don't do something useful with my life I was just a drain on the planet and a waste of oxygen. Even having kids is something I would have to feel guilty for, considering the strain the earth is in already, and the only way I can justify doing anything like having kids or being ALIVE is by doing something that makes the world a better place. You know?

I don't want to live if I have to do so in a mediocre life. There is just no point. No one will remember me. It'll be like I never existed in the first place. And if I don't manage to go to and do well in school, at this point, it's going to feel like it's too late. My logical brain tells me that that's a lie, but I just don't want to keep trying if I'm going to die having lived a worthless, even damaging life.

You know what I mean? Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in the world who cares about that sort of thing.

Depression can descend like a fog, slowly and gradually,until there comes a point when it obscures everything around us to the point where we can see no further than a few inches away from our faces. The once familiar neighbourhood is hidden. We may know that the tree still remains in our garden and that the road outside our gate turns to the right in that familiar way, and we may know that the little bungalow on the corner is still there. We may even be able to find our way around our immediate locality in the fog because it is so familiar. We may hesitate when we get to the corner of our road. We simply can't see. All the old and familiar parts of the neighbourhood are still there, but we can't see them. We may feel scared to venture any further because it's all so unfamiliar, we're blinded by the fog, and we simply wouldn't see any obstacles in the way that wouldn't normally pose any danger, but would if they were hidden and we fell on them. We may decide to remain indoors, where it's warm and safe, but we may lose out on a day's pay at work, or we may not be able to get our groceries in. We can't remain indoors indefinitely. Of course others may come to us, but it's likely that the fog would prevent them, and so we remain indoors until the fog lifts a little.

Can you see where I'm going with this? Can you see the analogy between depression and fog?

As the fog does begin to lift, slowly, we venture out. The old familiar neighbourhood is still there of course, just as it always was, but this time we might notice little things that we simply didn't see any more. We may see that the gate post needs a coat of paint. We may notice the sheer beauty of the fir tree in a neighbour's garden, how it remains green all the year round. We may notice the little bump in the pavement that would have caused us to trip in the fog. We may suddenly see things with a clarity that we've missed before. The good things will shine out and we will see what we can repair with regard to the not so good things, and we'll accept the things that we can't change.

It is exactly the same with depression. When it descends, it can obscure our vision in the same way as fog. It can blind us to the things on our doorstep. It can prevent us from venturing out into the world, and force us to retreat back into the "safety" of our shells. It can stop us from seeing the beauty of the world, and just like fog it can prevent us from seeing the beauty of the horizon, and force us to see no further than a few inches ahead. It sounds as if your depression has prevented you from seeing the bigger picture, the beauty and potential of how your life could be, and can be.

Hun, you feel as if you're the only person who feels this way, but you're not. Reaching out to others in small ways can help. Would it be possible for you to tentatively try to tell your mother how you're feeling? No matter what, if you feel really bad to the extent that you feel difficulty in coping, please visit your emergency room at your hospital.

Thank you very much for the responses. I'm not finding much in myself to respond today, but I really appreciate the things you say. And it was a very good metaphor. I'll try to keep it to heart.

Treat yourself kindly today, okay? Feel free to post on here whenever you feel the need. We're listening.

You know what? The things you listed in your life sound like very hard things to cope with, I am not surprised at all that you are feeling bad. But you also have accomplished a lot, you obviously have great potential.

You are stuck at the moment in this bad position, and while there may seem like no easy solution, in the long term these things are temporary. Please think of the longer term picture, you WILL get past this phase, but you need MAXIMUM support.

You may very well be suffering from clinical depression, and you should see a professional for advice, they may also know the situation in your local area, and who knows may be able to connect you to support services that can assist.

Your dad is your dad, but he sounds very destructive towards you. I would strongly recommend in the long term doing everything you can to avoid him. I think a couple of people need to openly confront him about how he treats you, its very inappropriate. My god if I had a daughter like you I would be so proud!

Is there anyone in your family you can ask for emergency financial help? Try asking if there is any hope.

What you need to do, besides professional help, is strengthen the social support system you have around you as much as you can. Maybe your boyfriend is a good person to talk to? Friends etc? Get a Councillor and social worker, get as many supportive people as you can around you and talk about your feelings. If someone is NOT supportive even knows they are supposed to be, then look for a better person to associate with.

Be really careful associating with people that treat you poorly or ever put you down etc. It easy because you are used to being treated like this to tolerate it in other people. Do not tolerate people being emotionally abusive towards you.

Please if you feel like you are going to harm yourself, or are getting persistent suicidal thoughts, go to a hospital or get emergency help. Honestly such places aren't so bad, I have been in hospitals myself, I view them as somewhere to be lazy in and just relax. They are there to help you.

Best wishes.