Please help me

I don't know where to start my misery. I never had a single real friend in my life. I am 25+ and I don't even have a girlfriend. I am from India who lives in USA since past few years. It is Christmas eve, and I am alone in my apartment doing nothing apart from watching porn and regular movies to divert my mind. This only helps temporarily.

I will quickly give overview of my life.

I have been bullied from my childhood to adult (age 7 to 17). And I think it is my nature who is the
villain here. As I said earlier, I never had any friends in my life because of my pathetic nature. All other kids of my age had friends and I was the only one who was left alone. I never had a "sharing" in my nature like sharing a cricket bat, video games etc with other kids. I do understand now that it
is very selfish thing to do.
They used to bully me everyday (for them it was casual), and I remember I could not sleep in the night thinking of it. I had no self-confidence or self esteem left and have always tried to escape and hide from them. I stopped playing cricket with them. And I guess as a way to vent all that frustration, manytimes I used to kill small animals/insects like ants with gas lighter, torcher slug with magnifying glass in sun. I know this are terrible things to do. This was just in my childhood-adult(upto age 13). I don't do this things anymore infact I love all types of animals now and I don't harm them in anyway. Infact,for example,if cricket(insect) gets into my apartment, I grab it with paper towel and throw it out of window instead of crushing it with something.

Whether it is academic or professional carrier, I have always been successful than my peers. In my opinion, I have above average IQ. I am smart and practical.But I never had friends in office and I don't have one right in my current job. And I don't think I got the wrong people at every stage of my life.Problem is in myself. What I don't understand and need help with is , why do I make everybody hate me? My family loves me but it's family, they don't turn their back on you.
In general,I am short tempered and I can not manage people.I had to manage over 10 people in my project. I think all of them hated me on my back. I can not work in team. I do want to work in team with other people but I just can't build a relationship. I still have been successful(monetarily)
in my life because I am smarter than others. I remember, in my college, I had a best shot at most beautiful girl in my class because I topped that year. And she also liked me but I was never able to take it to next level because of lack of self confidence. I could be way more successful in my life
than what I am right now. I hate my nature.

Since past 5 years, I am having suicidal thoughts. But when I think about after-suicide effects on my family, I stop my self from doing it. Also, online quotes like "suicide does not solve any problems", help me not to suicide. I have never attempted to suicide.but whenever I am alone this type of thoughts surfaces.

I love my parents, but I think my parents are responsible for my bad nature, they could have made/trained me to be extrovert or social person. But I don't know.

What I want in my life? Tons of friends and a good life partner. I would be happy with less money and success but I need friends with whom I can go out on Christmas vacation,do rock climbing and hiking in summer and much more fun activities and live my life at fullest.

Do I have some kind of mental illness? What should I do?

Thank you for your patience to read through my long post. Please help me.

i don't really know how to help. but i will say this: being an extrovert, a social person, the life of the party, etc, is vastly overrated. i suggest not striving for that, because you wouldn't like it if you achieved it. it's a "grass is greener" scenario, but it's an illusion. you meet better people by being the intelligent introvert, mainly because you scare off the extrovert types who usually aren't worth knowing. the same goes for "tons of friends". not as much fun as it looks. as for a "life partner", 2 things about that. one, i think it's unhealthy to feel like you're incomplete without a mate. they should add to you, improve you, not fill a gap. it's better to enter into that kind of relationship as your whole self, the kind of person with enough self respect to be alone, rather than settle for the first person who comes along. two, it's better to let a relationship form, not try to make it form.

having the approval of others is meaningless if you don't respect yourself. that comes first.

i hope this is helpful.

one more thing: it's tempting to blame your "nature", but your choices are more powerful than your nature.

What I want in my life? Tons of friends and a good life partner. I would be happy with less money and success but I need friends with whom I can go out on Christmas vacation,do rock climbing and hiking in summer and much more fun activities and live my life at fullest.

More friends does not equal happiness. Out of all the friends you make in life only a small few of them would sacrifice something for you. Even if you did have a lot of friends how would you feel when you have to go home and they won't be there. If you can't even make yourself happy how would you be able to maintain a healthy relationship. If you traded your nice job for more friends what makes you that would make you happy and not make you regret it later. Ask yourself what the one thing you have right now that could help you achieve the life you want. This is not a solution, it's a step forward.