I need help! :( Tired of feeling sad and alone :(

hello this is my first post, so here my story goes.

i am 26, single, I have TMJ, as well as on/off vertigo and nerve pain in my legs as well. I have always been a healthy girl, I have always taken care of myself, but when I was 17 years old, I started to develop dizziness, my balance (equilibrium) fell off a bit, and everything around me including the elements within me felt surreal. The world and peoples faces at times felt foreign, I felt very strange and detached . Sadly the feeling has never really gone away. I have a suicide in the family, grandfather was in the war ptsd, and i have now later come to the realization that I have addictive/flawed genes.

I started to drink when I was 17, started off taking vodka shots, 2 make a long story short from ages 17-21 I drank alone, always in isolation, I moved away to hawaii, originally from california. Everyone around me was telling me how great of a time I was going to have. For some reason I was always, alone. I dropped out of college because I didnt feel like going, I just fell akward. I always went to movies alone, or with my mom, but I never told any of my family members about my addiction. At the same time I developed bad eating habbits, and I smoked ciggaretes. When I was 21 I started to get dizzy even more at times, and that's when I really felt isolated, however, at the same time very distracted and emersed with online gaming.

I would play games, and drink a lot of vodka, sodas, eat candy, watch movies, play music! all night long, every night!, before you knew it I became an alcoholic and gained almost 100 lbs. I was very depressed and gaming became my life. I started playing this online star wars game. I had to obtain Jedi in this game, it was an absolute must. I must have spent over 3000+ hours or more on this game over an 18 moth span. I have over 7k+ hours logged on world of warcraft over the years. I have spent a few thousand other hours playing other games as well.

Gaming was my escape, that and drinking, but I started to develop bad stomach problems, increased anxiety and I was just so sick of hangovers that I quit drinking. It did not happen over night but after a few books I quit drinking/smoking tobacco. I have now been almost 3 years without the combo and feel much better about myself, however I am still not complete. I have developed nerve pain, which has added more gasoline to my jet fueled depression that has bursted into flames.

I am lost and have been very sad for quite some time. i have contemplated suicide in the past, got a DUI, been to jail twice for threatening a stoor clerk. I have some social anxiety and I just want to come home (to feel normal!) i just want to meet friends, and not be in pain, and not think like the way i do. I feel like I'm plagued with a disease but I know I cannot give up. I have a weird addiction to the sound of water, I turn on the bathtubs and waste tons of water just to hear the noise. I have probably taken over 2000 baths in my life time. I love the water the sound, I dont know where these compulsions come but i feel like a crazy person. my boyfriend pointed out how much water i waste. am i crazy and losing my mind? i wake up sometimes at 6am and i will turn on my bathtub, go back in bed and fall asleep listening/wasting water for 4-5 more hours! i live in a condo so waters included. I Feel like a nutzo.

I have noticed xanax,klonopin,valium helps my sympptoms, however i have a feeling like I am suffering from memory loss/amnesia. And I am also worried about the potential, for adiction.I am not sure if its the pills or the nature of derealization disorders. I am sad but have an opptomistic semi-positive attitude. I am trying to be strong, and I want to meet new people and go out. I have bad social anxiety sometimes, I live too much in my head. I need help and would apprciate any feedback.

Thanks and god bless!

Chloe

Hi, Chloe! Don't think of yourself as having flawed genes or as being stuck in a disorder, you're a unique person and you deserve to be happy. If you are close to someone you could go out together and make new friends. A hobby might help, especially one where you could meet new people.
You should ask a doctor about your meds.

Welcome, Chloe! I don't think you're crazy. Nothing you wrote sounds really strange, or anything like that.

Are you currently seeing someone for the pain and/or depression? I've heard that physical therapists can sometimes help with TMJ and with nerve pain, using certain massages. Depersonalization/derealization can come with/be caused by different things (anxiety, depression, seizure disorders, trauma, etc.). Dizziness can be caused by a lot of things, but it can come with TMJ, anxiety, or depression.

If you love the sound of water, there are CDs that play the sound of running water... you wouldn't be wasting so much water, that way. There are different types of water sounds available (streams, oceans, rain, etc.), too. Some sites will allow you to download free sounds, so if money is a problem, that's another option. A lot of people like falling asleep to the sound of water, so you aren't weird for that

iamchloe wrote:It did not happen over night but after a few books I quit drinking/smoking tobacco. I have now been almost 3 years without the combo

That's awesome

Have you tried treating the anxiety with anything other than medication? If you have a therapist, you could talk with him/her about that.

jasmin wrote:A hobby might help, especially one where you could meet new people.

That's a good idea. Chloe, is there something you'd be comfortable doing with other people? Maybe sign up for a class on something fun?