Finally an answer to the feelings!

I have been struggling with the symptoms of depersonalization for years and years and I never knew what it was. I've tried to explain it numerous times in therapy and to different people but I can never explain it! I'd end up saying things like "I can't believe that I'm talking or that I'm able to talk" People just look at me like WHAT???? There were other symptoms that I was just not even able to describe! I knew it was somehow dissociative or derealization or depersonalization, but wasn't sure which or a combination or what.

I often feel quite panicked when I get these feelings like I don't have control, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy or I'm just physically sick like have a brain tumor or something. It finally makes sense because everything on the checklist applies to me. I have OCD, I hate to have this label so I prefer to think of it as I have symptoms instead of having the disorder itself. Sometimes I'll experience things being too big or too small and I'll get that "feeling" and it scares me like is the lane I'm in too small compared to my car. Somehow when these things happen I still function, but I'm always amazed that I can function at all and that I don't hut down (like pass out or freeze) its like I'm concious but I'm not conciously continuing my task, something else is. When I discuss the issues related to my past trauma in therapy I always experience INTENSE derealization/dissociation/depersonalization, every single time without exception. Therefore I don't talk about it at all, because I can't, and I hardly remember what was exactly said. The whole time the feeling is happening I'm talking about it but I'm in "awe" or amazed that I'm even able to form sentances! Sound familiar?? If your have this you probably know that its impossible to describe perfectly. I am surprised the psychologist didn't tell me that I had this, because you would think the people going in to see her experience this, but maybe its rare or I explained it badly to her. I usually would say something like "I feel dizzy, its hard to talk" and then try to describe it but end up giving up trying.

In real life as well not just in therapy this happens a lot in the worst situations, like I said I have OCD, so if I'm experiencing an intrusive thought that is disturbing to me (OCD) and I'm in a situation (usually social, like a meeting) I will have that feeling again, and Its the most terrifying thing because I feel like at any moment I will stop talking and not be able to say a words and stare blankly into space. It takes so much effort to make sure I still hear myself talking, and later I don't remember what I said I just remember concentrating on making sure I could continue to hear myself talk. This also happens if I have to give presentations, I experience intense feelings again in this situation but usually they subside after about 5-10 minutes into the presentation. The strongest depersonalization/dissociation experiences I ever have are always in therapy when trying to discuss the traumatic events. This obviously hinders therapy because either I stop talking about it in the middle of a sentance or I forget what I was talking about at all. I definitely don't remember what was said to me because I'm too caught up in the experience, its not that I lose time and don't remember having a conversation but I just don't recall what was said.

I'm so relieved to have a name for this, I have been wondering what was wrong with me for years but this fits in every way. I have been scared that I had Dissociative identity disorder but I know I can't even though I dissociate because I don't lose time or anything like that. I am aware of situations that have happened I just was in a fog like being extremely drunk and not remembering what you talked about.

please tell me if you read this and you relate to any of this!!! I never talked to anyone who had this in my whole life!!!

Hi movingforward,

I can identify with you in both the joy of a Dx and the unwillingness to accept label it implies. Recently, I found information out there that explains what I have. I don't like diagnosing myself, but the traits were there. I was so excited. I even ran to my fiance and told him, "It's a thing! I'm not alone!!!"

And, like you, I prefer to think of a Dx as me having strong traits of the disorder that interfere with my life.

I can also identify with what you said about being caught up in a situation to the point of feeling like you're in a fog. I've experienced some trauma several years ago, and I felt like I was functioning in a dream. Like swimming in Jello. Like you, I have no idea how I even managed to accomplish some of the stuff that I did.

I have mild OCD traits. (I don't know if you've noticed, but I occasionally spam my own "Numbers" thread in the OCD forum.) I think that my OCD relates to my PTSD symptoms. I like having a feeling of control.

I've since found somewhat better ways of exercising control over my environment, such as consciously choosing my creature comforts. I am mindful of what I am in control of--soap, sheets, etc. That makes it easier for my OCD traits to not get triggered.

Try printing your post and giving it to your psychologist. S/He needs to know that you're having trouble processing trauma because reliving it is traumatic for you in and of itself.

Also, have you heard of EMDR?

Good luck,

--Frayed

THANKS for the reply!

Yeah totally! I'm so glad you know what I mean about the labels. I was especially relieved and happy with this depersonalization finding because I've tried for SO sO SOO long to find answers and to describe how I felt and no one had a clue what I was talking about, I ended up feeling like a fool.

Yeah the dream thing is quite true, its like drifting somewhere and having to bring yourself back like you don't control what happens in a dream and it feels like that in the depersonalization/derealization (for me at least)

The feeling of control thing is certainly very true for me to, and for me the ptsd and ocd are intertwined also. although my ocd is kind of severe.

Its great that you have found something that helps you cope with OCD tendancies its good to nip it as it starts because it gets out of hand.

I am going to try to tell her next time I see her although perhaps she already knows but I'm going to tell her how it also happens often outside therapy and how it interferes with talking about the trauma. I've heard of EMDR but the therapist never mentioned it so I assume she isn't aware of or considering it. have you tried it? did it work for you?

thanks for your post!!!!

Hi movingforward,

No problem.

This is probably the best summary of EMDR:
http://www.emdr.com/briefdes.htm

Since I didn't have the money to go find an EMDR therapist, I just did it by myself. I still keep up on it. For example, if I'm in the shower or a social situation, I can either move my eyes from one object to another or, if I'm alone, I can move my finger in front of my eyes, and that usually re-centers me. It's like saying to myself, "Hi, I'm here. In the present."

It's kind of like hypnosis, with the majorly important difference that it it works. And it's structured. (I don't know; hypnosis may work for some; I'm not gonna knock it if it does.)

It was pretty hard to do it on my own. I'd schedule 5-minute "sessions" for myself at first. I'd set an alarm and put a note on it saying, "I'm in the present now. Today is 11-03-08. What happened to me is in the past." I found that, if I did it by myself, it was important for me to have something to snap myself out of dealing with a memory. I gradually increased the "session time" and it helped a lot.

I'm doing pretty OK on the OCD. Here's my OCD thread (Warning, may trigger.)
obsessive-compulsive/topic46425.html
It's less like "ritual" OCD and more like obsessive thoughts. That's what I mean when I say I have traits.

Hope this helps!

--Frayed

Hello,

Thanks so much for the info on EMDR, I don't think I'll pursue it professionally but I'll try what you did and do it by myself. I wonder if this would also help with depersonalization since you said "it recenters you"

Do you seek any kind of professional help like therapy at all? I don't know what your OCD obsessive thoughts are, but mine are largely obsessive thoughts also and its still diagnosed as OCD. I do have some stuff around contamination but the thoughts are the worst part and I'm assured that they are clear symptoms of OCD. But ofcourse I don't know what you have to tell you that you have OCD or not.

Mine is pretty much 24/7 obsessive thoughts, mostly around harm, and also sexuality. I mean I obsess constantly I can't stop and my life is completely molded around avoiding triggers so that it stays manageable. Its the fact that they cause so much anxiety and that they consume so much time that makes it OCD.

Anyway thanks for the info on EMDR, I'll try to see if i can do this on my own and if it helps!!

Hi

Yes; I've been in therapy for about 9 years, off and on. It took me a long time to find a good psychiatrist. I also now have a psychologist/counselor. I've had bad shrinks, good shrinks and shrinks with whom I simply didn't "click." The two I have now are excellent.

I haven't had a "talk" counselor for a while, and I've done a LOT of work by myself since then (it's been at least 2 years). So now, when I go in, I've got things mostly sorted out and I'm mostly tying up loose ends.

Let me know how the EMDR thing works. If you're having trouble with it, let me know, and I'll make a suggestion if I have one. Obviously, I'm not a trained therapist, but I'll do what I can.

--Frayed

I can't believe I actually found people who experience these things too! I was 1 when a war broke out in my home country and I believe the stress of that, even though I was so young, has something to do with my high anxiety and depersonalization disorder now..I was terrified when I first had one of these attacks. Mine most often happen when I am in the shower, or when I am around a large crown with loud noises..When I have an attack I flip out so bad that I will sometimes walk around and talk to my self (with no one around of course lol) until i "come to my senses". I sound nuts explaining it..
Anyone else experience it at these times, and what other times do you experience it?

movingforward wrote:I have been struggling with the symptoms of depersonalization for years and years and I never knew what it was. I've tried to explain it numerous times in therapy and to different people but I can never explain it! I'd end up saying things like "I can't believe that I'm talking or that I'm able to talk" People just look at me like WHAT???? There were other symptoms that I was just not even able to describe! I knew it was somehow dissociative or derealization or depersonalization, but wasn't sure which or a combination or what.

YES. I had so much trouble trying to explain it to my psichiatrist, even, that he didn't realize that is was I was trying to describe until recently, after seeing him for 2 years! That's when he told me the word for it and I was able to research it.

I remember one time, my friend asked me how I manage to do stage performances despite me having pretty bad social phobia. So, I tried to explain this, not realizing it wasn't a normal reaction since I didn't know anything about dissociative things at that time; I said I just went on 'autopilot' and things became 'foggy' like I was watching myself in a dream. I figured it was from adrenaline or something. He just looked at me, baffeled at what I was saying, and just said 'okay...' So I tried explaining again other stuff about it but couldn't, kept jumbling my words since I was having so much trouble getting him to understand what it was, trying desperately to get him to understand, wondering how he couldn't!

I was so relieved when I finally got an answer as to what it was.