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Feeling different

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Feeling different

Postby musicbox » Fri Feb 08, 2019 6:51 pm

I feel so heavy and disconnected and lacking vibrancy, I never ever felt this way before and I'm so sad and almost disappointed in myself :(
I'm still desperately craving...vibrations, I don't know how to put it, and I can get them but still...I don't feel like myself anymore, nothing is the same and unlike before I can see all the truly bad implications of things.
I feel less connected to my family, father especially.
Lately I've been spending more time with him due to death in the family and it makes me feel better for a moment, like the me I once knew still exists and he's still himself but in reality he's not, he's so different too, I just keep remembering nice moments to comfort myself but I know it's not real so I'm not even really experiencing things.
I feel like I'm not at home in myself, I feel old even though I'm only in my 20's and emotionally like 12 at most, feel so weighted down by something impossible to define and everything just feels different.

Is this depersonalization?
If so it's the worst feeling in the world.
musicbox
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