Real or Fake?

I've been smoking lately, as when I do I can see glimpses of reality. And the reality of school is really fun, but places even at home are really dark. I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me mentally leading me to feel as If I perceive reality differently. Recently I was high and I wrote all this and I was wondering If you see anything that you can attempt to diagnose me with. I'm getting a psychiatrist soon to see what the issue is exactly.


[*]It’s almost as If how I perceive reality is the issue. The only time I can see the difference is when I’m high, though. I can’t pick up on signs everyone else picks up on. It’s like I’m in my own little happy bubble. I don’t know my father either. I need help escaping this veil that stops me from understanding reality. If I normally understood all these signs around me I would be able to actually fix them all. I don’t understand people, perhaps because I don’t understand their emotions. Constantly I misunderstand texts and act in a way that’s damaging to our relationship. I’ve repeatedly looked at this Blistex label on an acne bottle, and for some reason, It looks a lot more real to how the world is. It’s more full, you could say not more in the foreground of life. It’s almost as If I can’t feel, or that I’m afraid to show emotion. I can’t have what I want in life If I don’t understand what it is that I want. I love my father more than anything, even as I wrote that I began to cry. It’s probably the fact that I’m high, though. As when I’m not high, everything looks so perfect. I feel like I lack the experience to understand people because of my childhood. I never knew how dark life is If this is what reality actually is. It’s like I can’t understand how other people see me. I need help perceiving how the world really is. It’s scary, the high me feels as if my lack of ability to understand people's emotions is what’s stopping me from seeing everything how it really is. I don’t perceive reality like everyone else. I’m sorry for all the trouble I caused because of this reason. I still feel guilt, shame, anxiety, and sadness, for my lack of being able to understand. It’s almost as If I don’t understand words, as in the emotion they convey. That’s probably why reading is so boring. Because I can’t connect with people. I feel like weed is my window to reality. I need help making this my new reality. If I don’t, I can’t live my life to its potential. It’s almost as If the school is all black and white, and distant.
[*]

I don't normally post on forums, my mistake If It's not setup correctly.

I think a certain pressure, or force, is applied to everyone at all times. When enough people amass in a certain place, the pressure they exert is incredible, and difficult to resist. It's much easier to just "go with the flow." If you live in the suburbs, as a result of the ritualistic nature of suburban life, the forces exerted by people living in them develops into a pattern, and it is difficult to escape them once you're caught in one. The "energy" of the suburbs becomes stagnant with people tracing the same paths each day, which is why traveling feels so good, because you're slicing through different "portals," or patterns of energy, or why going deep into a forest can be so freeing, because there are no forces being exerted, or the ones that are being exerted are peaceful and nurturing.
I don't think there is one "reality" that can be understood. I think there's a certain way people perceive reality, but reality itself cannot be perceived in any way, only lived. And that reality, which cannot be described or perceived, remains the same, only there are shifts and variations within it, with some people experiencing more shifts than others.
I don't think it's possible to know what to want before you've got what you want. There's no way to preempt it. Your inability to understand is not your fault, so there's no need to feel shameful or guilty about it. It's just the way you're perceiving things at the moment. That will change.