What is wrong with me?

Hey guys, my first post here, so go easy on me..

I have been plagued with mental illness my whole life, since my father committed suicide when I was 9. Before the suicide, he was verbally and semi-physically abusive.

That was 1999, and I am now 23 in 2014. My life has been one problem after another. Fears, anxiety, depersonalization/derealization, etc. But amongst all of this, there is one problem that really bugs me, to the core.

I have lived depending on others my whole life. I have developed a hatred for the outside world. I literally feel more comfortable inside and alone on the computer(s) trading bitcoin and gaming, then outside interacting with the world. It actually really bothers me being out around people. I don't know why. Since christmas of 2006, I got hit with a sudden feeling of disconnection. Which it took me almost 3 years and a bout in a mental institution to figure out it was DP/DR. Alongside that, bi-polar and god knows what else.

One thing that I am really trying to figure out is why I am so literally terrified of working. I can not hold down a job. I have a degree in Occupational health and safety, have a passion for computing and programming, but in either of these things, I cannot hold a job. I feel compelled to not work. I am terrified of it. I really don't know why, and it has ruined my life. Could it be the DP/DR? Depression? I have no idea.

I see people working and making loads of money, and I wish I could do that. But it is like my mind and body finds a way to scare the $#%^ out of me even thinking about it. Going into a public place, around all those people...I just feel so much more at ease when im home..alone.

Does anybody else suffer from this? I have given up on caring now and just live day by day like this without doing anything about it. It feels like working on websites, coding, gaming, designing, is the only thing that is keeping me sane, yet my family (even though I no longer live with them) sees me as a "lazy" burden (at least that's what I feel like, I know my mother loves me to pieces). I just feel like a useless lump...

Please tell me im not alone.. I know the dp/dr is taking its toll, along with the depression and god knows what else...but is anyone out there the same?...

I don't expect anyone to respond...I just needed to tell someone..

DsX

Hello and welcome to the forums!

I haven't really heard of anything like this stemming from depersonalization. Have you tried poking around the schizoid or agoraphobia sub forums? They might be more in line with your need to stay inside.

I know what it feels like to be called lazy, it's really not fair when it's because of something you really have no control over.

I hope this finds you doing well! If you have any questions feel free to ask!

Thanks for the reply. Yeah, I have been called lazy a lot...by my family mostly. But I actually have an overwhelming fear of being out working, away from the confines of my home. When I come inside it's like a huge weight is lifted of my shoulders as soon as I lock that door behind me...

I just wish it would stop :'(

Yeah, like I said, look at the agoraphobia forums. They might be of help in that area . I don't really have much experience in those kinds of feelings .

Wish I could offer more/better advice .

Like I said feel free to ask question, or just vent if that's what you need I'll be here listening and offering what advice I can