Understanding my DP, would like to share..

hey Guys
If only i had access to this info 14 years ago, when i was 19 and went through my trauma
, things would be different.
i would like to share a little more of my understanding of DP and how it affected my life
hopefully some can relate, and share their similar experience, or anything at all.

Here goes


Regardless of all the theories I’ve read and all the fused thoughts, I know deep down, in moments of clarity, the truth.

I know this because I can’t hold in the tears when I, in the moment, admit it as truth.

I have depersonalization, with Anxiety ( Pure O ) and Depression

But this biological perspective and nihilistic attack on everything that I held close to my heart is false, created by my 19 year old depressed pessimistic and depersonalized mind trying to explain what was happening.

Everything apart from the initial DP has been created by my imagination to try and understand, pessimistically, what was happening to me. And the fear of death, mixed with my already established obsession with understanding life, my thoughts took me on a ride to define life from a depressed, depersonalized nihilistic point of view. Every time I would have a thought to "prove" or define an aspect of life it would hurt because it was nihilistic and this caused me pain. These nihilistic thoughts were so terrifying that I fused with them and they became fuel to the flame that became the inferno consuming my entire reality as I once knew it.

an example would be to hear music, enjoy music, but then dissociate or emotionally disconnect and listen to the sounds only. so it’s just noise. Where rhythm and beat don’t exist.
this but on a much larger scale.
also like when I see my dog, it buzzes me out how I can see expression in his face, but I know it not real, why can I still see it? what the **** is real now..

i also know that I am an extremely sensitive guy, too sensitive.
if I wasn't then I wouldn't give 2 ****s about any of this. I wouldn't have spent and still spend every moment of every day for 14 years trying to solve this puzzle of my and prove against the negative thoughts and be in constant sadness of the loss after each new nihilistic definition to each beautiful memory, experience, future thought.

My heart has always been the size of earth.
I love and hold dear so much that death and losing all those that I love is my ultimate fear.
Has been since a child.

So sensitive, that im starting to think that this whole nihilistic and purely biological way to see the world is and always has been a defense mechanism, from the reality of death. for in my mind if it were to happen, i would be ready because nothing matters to me.
Its kind of like a loop within a loop
My trauma caused DP, i used words to explain my DP, giving imagery of Biological and Nihilism, these thoughts scared and hurt so much that its kept me Dissociated.

Ive probably had a pre-disposition to Anxiety and DP which:
-probably all started with fears of losing my father, and those I love.
-the teasing at school
-a couple of sexual experimentations, to which i felt extremely guilty for years, only to find out recently that many, have done the same, and its nothing to be ashamed of.
-the obesity, ( was 120kg at one stage, now steady on 80kg)
-the social withdrawal into computer games and science fiction and fantasy ( as most of us do )
-Huge Imagination, since a young teenager i felt like i was living in a story that i was creating.
-Huge interest in the unknown, and Existentialism, probably spawned from my father..
(My father and I used to spend years, for hours at night looking up at the stars and talking about what was out there, and I wanted to find out for him, I was a young teenager at the time, ages 14-19
-At age 19, right before my trauma, i was entering a spiritual chapter of life.

I would pray every night that my family and I would live long healthy lives; I felt that we were protected as long as I prayed.

Then came the huge trauma of my ear when I was 19, and fears of death and mortality became a little more real.
This shattered my safety world.

-Started with Depersonalisation, to which I still have to this day.
-trying to label and explain my experience with DP has skewed the entire experience into a devaluating story steered by words and nihilistic imagery and negative thoughts.

That was probably my minds way of making sense of death, by focusing on the biological imagery of human beings, a story in my mind so it could all make sense how we, could just someday, die.

Making me fear that everything from my past, was simply an illusion, not real, and one day I will accept it as reality I will become someone who doesn’t care about anyone or anything, and say goodbye to all that I used to be.

That biological/nihilistic possibility then became the fear and then the obsession.

The obsession constantly generated intrusive thoughts to “prove” and solidify its plausibility.
It was like I was subconsciously and purposely proving this “realisation”.

The bombardment of nihilistic intrusive thoughts like a virus shattered everything else that gives meaning in my life.

It became a self-fueling, self-punishing, decline into that “alternate reality” I had imagined.

In my mind this was all created because it’s exactly the opposite of what I’ve always wanted, and it is exactly what I’ve feared by the belief system that there was something wrong with me through childhood/adolescent fears and memories of social neglect and withdrawal and sexual experimentation creating a seed that I was bad and that there's something wrong with me.
Its been 14 years of fear of fusion to basically any thought that threatens my existence and values.

The truth is that I’m just me, with a wild imagination. Desperately and permanently in fear of losing everything., my mind conjuring up theories to prove that fear.

All that i have said above i need to accept, and come to terms with.
I just down know how, and if I have the ability to reverse the 14 years of brainwashing…

All I want is to go back and start again.
Where I could feel part of the world again.
Ive spent allot of time the last 14 years in the past, before all this happened, holding onto that one little glimmer of hope, that one day, i will feel a connection to my world as i once did.

Thanks for hearing me out..

Thank you for sharing, I think I can relate to alot of what you said. If you have any question or even just want to talk more, I'm here.