New member!*may trigger*antidepressant alcohol weed bc pills

This is going to be very long, apologizing in advance. But I really need help, some words of encouragement, anything. It all started last year, I was living in NY with my aunt..I was on prozac and lamictal (when I remembered to take it) and in January I began the birth control pill, sprintec. I was drinking and smoking during this time, I've been drinking and smoking since I was 15. But anyway, in February, my ex boyfriend broke up with me, so I tried to "kill myself" even though I didn't really want to end my life I just wanted him to get back with me, so I went into a psychiatric facility for about 4 days. When I got out I was so happy because he came back to me. But I had been skipping birth control and we had unprotected sex, so I took the emergency contraceptive (plan b/morning after pill) called Ella. A few days after that I had CRAZY thoughts and anxiety, I've had anxiety and harm ocd my whole life but it had disappeared over the past couple years.. I started thinking I didn't love my boyfriend, I knew I did. I started having anxiety that I was falling out of love.. But then I started having thoughts about going to my school and shooting everyone, so I told my aunt, and I moved back to Georgia where my mom was living. I flew to georgia on a Saturday night and as soon as I got there my mom took me to a hospital, still had minor anxiety, they put me in impatient. One night all of a sudden I was like "I'm not cara, I don't feel like Cara, who's cara?" I fell asleep, the next day I woke up with NO anxiety but I felt like I was going insane. They discharged me and the next day I overdosed but not to die, just to get into another hospital. I literally lost my mind, I felt like I was going crazzzy. I wanted to kill everyone around me, I had no emotions, no empathy. Nothing. I didn't enjoy life, I hated it. I ripped my hair out that night, I'm still not sure why. Anyway to summarize the next few months after that, I was so confused, felt like I was dreaming (still am), and when I looked in the mirror I didn't know who I was looking at (still the same). I was on SO many antidepressants and other psychotropic medications between the month of march and June, I even had electro convulsive therapy which did not work at all even after 12 sessions, I actually felt worse. I was then admitted to a long term facility. I wanted to kill everyone. I got angry so easily. I felt like I was losing my mind and again my doctor switched my medications all the time. I was extremely suicidal for a month, and tried to kill myself on a therapidic leave that I had for a day (which meant I could leave the hospital for a day to spend time with family) and I overdosed. I wanted to die so bad I ripped out all the ivs and kicked nurses and jumped out of the stretcher, that went away about a week after I got back to the hospital.. I just recently got out, I'm so irritable and homicidal. I have no empathy and compassion, I'm empty. I used to be someone with a loving heart, I looooved people. If I saw someone hurt, my heart hurt for them. When my dog I had for 12 years died I was an emotional wreck. I was super close with my grandma and I would have done anything for her. When I used to have thoughts about killing people my anxiety would go through the roof.. I wouldn't be able to move and I had heart palpitations and I would cry, just cry because I felt so horrible... Now I feel nothing. And no one understands!!!! I have NO anxiety and it scares me. But I do know I have dp and dr..I feel like I have no control over anything I say or do. I missed my period last month.. Could be because I haven't gotten my 3rd shot and I DONT want to. I don't understand what's wrong with me?! Am I a psychopath now? Could it be hormonal? I've had breast discharge and irregular periods?I don't want to be one. I want to enjoy life, I want to think its beautiful again. I want to look at my girlfriend (who I dated 3 years ago and we're back together) and feel the way I did when we were first together. I was so happy. I've almost forgotten what it feels like. I'm so irritable all the time. I just hate life. Please help me. I want empathy I want to look at life the same way I want to love people. I want to be happy. I just want this to end.

I can totally relate to you when you say that your anxiety has gone yet your dpd is probably much worse than when you were having anxiety this is because anxiety and depression are the early stages of dpd, have you looked at the meadows clinic in arizona? they focus on treatments that aim to reconnect your emotions after you have experienced traumatic events which it sounds like you have gone through and I am going through the same , also have you tried something like aderall ? also i would like to know which anti-psychotic or mood stabilizers you have tried.

Thanks

Josh

Thank you! I'm on welbutrin and zyprexa as of right now