Need advice for mom with DPD. please help

Hi there,

It is great to finally find a website community on this subject. I have been looking for quite a while.

I am very sure my mother has DPD. She displays all the signs. (FYI, She is 55 and I am 25.) I worry about her very much, as her behavior involving the disorder seems to be getting extremely worse in the past few years, and even months. She doesn't have any friends (outside the family), but relies on a small group of family members to keep her going. However, since things are getting worse, these 3 or 4 family members are even beginning to not want to do anything with her.

Here are signs she exhibits that lets me know she is DPD:

-calling each family member (her father, me, her sister, and father's girlfriend) every morning, 5 days a week, only to say the same things that she said the day before. Often, she asks things to me like, should I do this, should I do that? Or she often asks "Do you love me?"
These conversations are very awkward because of her insecurity.........she really has trouble just carrying on a normal conversation.
-she "lives" her life through each one of us, as in each phone conversation, she only really talks about the things she heard about the other 3 family members' lives.
-This is creating a lot of tension in the family, because often, without intending to, she turns us against each other. Often, she changes her story of what she said to us, and lies to cover any problems she might have caused between family members.
-she has trouble making simple decisions by herself......should she get a sweater out of the car? Should she call someone? Should she get this or that for someones' birthday? These are all very pressing concerns on her mind each and every day, and it almost seems that she is obsessed with and crippled by these small details of life.
-she has had several "friends" in the past, but these relationships never seem to last longer than a few weeks because they sense her emotional issues being so strong, that they don't hang around for long.
-When we get to together for family outings, she often just observes everyone else talking, and then she chimes in with "we are having a really good time, aren't we?" or "this is fun, isn't it?"
-she is quite awkward with any relationship, or interaction with another person. She tries so hard to please, that it does just the opposite.
-growing up, I would constantly see my mom talking to herself, saying things like "oh, you are nothing!" "why did you do that, say that" etc. I haven't lived with her in 7 years, but I bet that has gotten even worse
-I could go on, and on, but I think this paints a pretty good picture of the challenges she faces on a daily basis.


As I mentioned before, I love my mom so much, and would do anything to get her help, so she doesn't have to go through this anymore. I want her to begin living a normal life, making friends, doing things on her own.
FYI, My dad seems oblivious to the problem. He has lived with it for so many years, and he is one of those non-emotional guys who doesn't want to talk about problems or issues.

I have tried a bit in the past to let my mom know that I am bothered by some of the things she does and says, and I also have tried to help her see that she might have an emotional problem.
The last time I did this, she went bezurk on me. She cried and cried for days, and also threatened suicide. So I have not attempted any confrontations for about a year.

Yet the problem continues to get worse. I feel like I can't just let this go on anymore. I have been talking to these family members, getting ideas, and opinions. They are way more frustrated about it than me, and a little less aimed at actually helping my mom change.

Okay, so here is the vital question I need answers to. Please, any advice, resources, stories, ANYTHING to help me get some ideas of what actions to take would be so helpful. How do I get my mom the real help she needs? Or do I just ignore the problem and try to cope with my mom's behavior the best I can? Ideas, thoughts, anything? I am so worried about where this will lead in 1 year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now!

sincerely,
concerned daughter

Hi, colorado girl,

I looked through the net to see if I could find something specifically on talking with parents about DPD and I couldn't find anything. I asked my counselor for some advice and she said that she would need to know your mother personally to give accurate advice. It seem like you're in a difficult spot, sorta damned if you do something and damned if you do nothing. From what I know about myself having DPD, I know that if anyone had approached me with the idea that I might have had a problem or that I might need to get treatment, I probably would have been really emotional about that, too.

So, I guess I really don't have much advice, except for you and your other family members to take care of yourself first. From my experience you can bend over backwards trying to convice your mom that she's loved and valuable, but until she's ready to believe it herself, she won't. For awhile, you and the other family members that she talks to a lot might all have to just take anything she says about the others with a bit of skepticsm and confirm things with each other so stories don't get so crossed up.

With regards to your mom, I guess I'd just keep encouraging her that yes she is loved and that she's not nothing whenever she asks you (since you seem to love her very much, it's how you feel anyway) and whenever she asks you which decision she should make, especially on simple things like the sweater out of the car or calling someone, that whatever decision that she makes will be fine because chances are it is. Eventually, she may feel enough confidence to at least talk about maybe having DPD, and then you can probably start talking options. But until she's ready to do that, you're just wearing yourself out. Give yourself a break and realize that it's not your responsibilty to fix your mom or find a solution, that's her job and you might find that she may be ready faster than you think.

Here are some helpful websites that I found:

www.toad.net/~arcturus/dd/depend.htm
www.mentalhealth.com/
www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000941.htm

And keep posting. I'm finding out now that I'm in treatment that DPD people like me can be a lot to deal with alone and for the people in my life, it helped to have someone to talk to, so don't hesitate!

Ciao!

DM

Thanks so much for the reply! It really helps to get a different perspective sometimes.

I really appreciate the internet resources you posted too.

I do love my mom so much, but I think you are right...........I can't make a person change, and I think getting myself all stressed out about this isn't helping the situation any. So thanks again for your point of view. It really does help.

Good luck to you in your work with DPD!

It's been a long time since you posted this problem. I am dealing with a very similar situation. Would like to know what you have done since your original post.

Hi Axel,

I found this site after Googling the basics: "My mother has dependent personality disorder."
I too imagine that the older posts are long gone. Yours, however, is quite recent. I don't know about you, but reading Colorado girl's story is chilling - that's my mom for sure. Only, I'm 32 and I fear I'm at the point I've been trying to avoid for years now: action.

To this point, I've been diplomatic with my mother. I suffer - even make excuses for - her eccentricities. However, lately she appears to be experiencing a stressful incident, a surgery. This is going to take her out of her routine indefinitely. I should indicate here that she babysits my son two days a week. Maybe I shouldn't have arranged this - it's just another coping mechanism though (My wife could do without ever seeing her again, so I thought that if she were to babysit when we are at work, she could feel involved, be involved in a way that is structured and predictable. This would mean less phone calls about when she might come over next etc....I could go on on this point but I imagine you are familiar with the details of the person with DPD...)
I digress, the knee surgery will take her out of the game and now she is panicked. This she disclosed to my brother recently. I understand the panic - without sounding too arrogant, I can say it was predictable.
She dealt with it by confronting me on other resentments that she has been feeling all this time: My apparent favoring of my inlaws, and my lack of commitment to her, her husband, and my brother.
I'm fine with feeling getting hurt - I'm even better with honest disclosure. However, I feel that she crossed a line in her venting. I told her that my spouse - and her family - is a result of my life choices.
The bottom line here is that she dealt a whole lot of garbage here. My concern is that this is a new level of desperation for her and her efforts to get close to me and my son.
I don't like the aggressive spin she put on this, I want to react. I don't react because of that fear...the fear that my honest assessment of her behavior will crush her. Honestly, I was okay with perpetuating her dream world (like ColoradoGirl's mom who would observe interactions, only to chime in with something like "Aren't we having fun.")
I was having fun. My brother and I have supported each other, my wife and I have supported each other. Up to this point, I always resigned myself to the idea that someday, this person, my mother, will be gone and I will truly miss her.
But now she's risking much by appealing to my commitment to the rest of the family. I have not told my wife about this exchange as I I wish not to enter into an ugly battle here, between two personalities who are both good at holding grudges.
Stuckinthemiddle

Okay, so here is the vital question I need answers to. Please, any advice, resources, stories, ANYTHING to help me get some ideas of what actions to take would be so helpful. How do I get my mom the real help she needs? Or do I just ignore the problem and try to cope with my mom's behavior the best I can? Ideas, thoughts, anything? I am so worried about where this will lead in 1 year from now, 5 years from now, 10 years from now!

Do you think she'd go to therapy? Maybe you could go with her at the start, and then she could start doing it on her own? Therapy can help with some of it. http://www.lightshouse.org has stuff for supporting adult children of PD parents, too.