Absolutely insane parent

Hello psychForum. Do you have any advice for me?

My mother is a co-dependent. She has a lot of very serious personality issues that make dealing with her impossible. A while ago I stopped all contact with her on the advice of a psychologist/social worker. Things have been much better for me since that time, but my mother has completely lost it.

She constantly e-mails, sends letters in the mail and leaves phones messages. It's gotten to the point of harassment. Originally I just threw away or discarded her contact attempts. Now I am sending them back with 'refused' marked on them.

I know she has some sort of stalking problem and she won't admit it to herself. She projects all her problems onto other people so they will feel as bad as she does.

I feel like there's nothing I can do to help her get better. I want her to leave me the hell alone, but she won't. What do I do?

Hello there,

You are thinking wrong for your mother. Your mother will suffer whatever she will do to others in this world. But why are you spoiling your mind by thinking so negative. After all she is your mother and you should respect her. May be she wanted love from you. You must support her as a CHILD of her. Let's forgive her, talk to her what she wants. Try to understand her feelings. May be you are taking wrong to her.

Betraying her will not solve your problem. It is just like running away from problems and this will increase your problem. SO think with calm mind what to do next.

Further queries welcome.

I'm going to have to disagree. I can't say this for sure, because I don't know your mum personally, but honestly, some people, you HAVE to cut them off, or at least extremely limit the amout of time you spend with them. Make it all on your terms if you do. Make it like, once a month if you can handle that. Don't go over her house where she has the advantage, make it somewhere public. Go out to eat in a restaurant, go to a park and take a walk. Don't bring them over your house, they might not leave when you ask them to. This is just my opinion from knowing people similar to your mum. Good luck.

It's been awhile since you posted, but I have to vehemently disagree with Ravine and agree with Blah. Especially people with PDs, sometimes going no-contact is the final step in maintaining your own sanity.

My question to you is, what steps did you take prior to going no-contact? Did you tell her the problems you had with her? Did you tell her why you were going no-contact? If not, maybe this should be the final break for her. Maybe you should be as blunt and honest with her as possible as to why you've cut her off. Some people say that you can't reason with a PD, but with a parent, I sort of feel like that "extra bond" means that you should at least be honest. Don't try to sugarcoat it, but just tell her exactly why you don't want a relationship with her anymore and why you feel she's toxic to your life.

Also prepare yourself, because people are going to naturally agree with Ravine in the real world when you tell them you've gone NC with your parent. It's our natural inclination to have that bond with our parent. But remember, no one but you and your parent has gone through what s/he has put you through, and no one has the right to tell you what is best for you except YOU.

Also, check out this link:

http://narcissists-suck.blogspot.com/20 ... at-is.html

The main point of 'no contact' isn't to get your mom to leave you alone. It's to give you enough emotional distance to heal and to be ok without her. If her emails / letters / cards are still upsetting you, you aren't there yet.

Sending mail back marked "Refused" is actually a response to her. Suggest you go back to just throwing mail away unread. If possible, change your address -- you could get a PO box and start picking up all your mail there. Change your phone number if you can. This is all for YOU - do not expect any change in her behavior.

From there, keep up your counseling sessions. Best wishes, caro

She constantly e-mails, sends letters in the mail and leaves phones messages. It's gotten to the point of harassment. Originally I just threw away or discarded her contact attempts. Now I am sending them back with 'refused' marked on them.

I feel like there's nothing I can do to help her get better. I want her to leave me the hell alone, but she won't. What do I do?

I agree that returning her mail is a response that is only rewarding/encouraging her, and that mail toss-outs are the way to go instead. I don't agree so much about her stuff upsetting you and what that means. I know tons of people who have cut off their PD parents not because they have reached a point where their parent doesn't bother them, but because their parent DOES bother them and always will because the parent is so full-on toxic. Everyone kinda sees it their own way.

When you cut contact, parents like this Hoover you until they finally accept that you're not going to change your mind. The more you make absolutely sure the definition on No Contact is followed correctly, the sooner she will leave you alone.

When you go no contact, there are guidelines, and they include not opening mail, no reading or listening to messages, etc. There's a great description of No Contact called "No Contact 101". Just Google it, and it should come up in a bunch of places. They say it's not "prescriptive", but in my opinion, following it to the letter is absolutely the only way to go.

It sounds like you really care about her and it distresses you to see her suffer. In other situations, such as a manipulative narcissist, I would recommend cutting your losses and leaving her to solve her own problems, but this one seems to be a nice person who means well but has problems.

I would keep in touch with her, but do it entirely on your own terms. It sounds like she needs you, and she is family, and you do care about her, so re-establish communication. But do it carefully, controlling the relationship as much as you can so it doesn't turn unbearable for you. For instance, visiting her on the holidays, having dinner with her one day a week, or making a rule that any contact must be initiated by you.

I really can't say much because your description left out a lot. All I saw was that she is an unbearable codependent. Does that mean she tries to make you depend on her by doing everything for you?

I sort of agree with Ravine, but the moral absoluteness of that comment - you MUST be there for her - seems kind of closed-minded, authoritarian, and more concerned about your mother than about you. I think that your mother needs you, and seeing how badly she needs you causes too much distress, so it's best FOR YOU if you talk to her and have a relationship. Try to get her to talk about her feelings so you can figure out what's going on with her, and how to relate better, and be reassuring.

"It's gotten to the point of harassment." This sounded funny, even though the situation isn't that funny. How is it going now? Does she leave you alone? Do you have contact with her on your behalf?

I disagree with Ravine 100%. You need to look out for your own mental health, and if your mother is hindering that effort, no contact is the way to go.

I've done it, and its HARD and you will feel GUILTY, but it will help you grow and heal from the constant abuse/negativity. I've gone NC a few times, for a few months each time, and those were periods that I really grew and gained a sense of self. Currently, I'd be NC except for the fact that I have children and I dont' feel its fair to them to cut off contact from their grandparents. Contact from me to them is minimal. And I'm 100% honest with my mother. Just told her yesterday that she doesn't know what I'm dealing with inside right now because I'm not comfortable sharing it with her. Her response was "nice, thanks," to which I replied "Just being honest." and that was it. I love my mother and father, but I really don't like them. I will not be disrespectful to them, but I will not allow them to hurt me anymore. I mean it hurts, the whole situation hurts, but i will not allow any fresh wounds to be inflicted. My mom is HPD and my dad is codependent, and neither of them think they have any problems. In fact, I'm the one with the problems. Right. I do struggle with depression, but that's the extent of it. Depression likely caused by my childhood, I should add.

Anyway, enough about me. You stick to your guns, and stay NC because this will force your mother to deal with herself at the same time you aren't forced to deal with her toxicity. If at some point your mother chooses to work on changing, I'm sure you'd be thrilled to support her and communicate with her again. Best of luck.

W

Anna Valerious (Thanks for the link fathoms)
This is just one very good illustration of why you should ignore anyone, especially the 'professionals', who tells you that you can't tell whether or not someone in your life has NPD. They don't know Jack themselves. No one knows what NPD is more than someone who has suffered from its predations for years. Eggheads in ivory towers only know NPD from textbooks.

I agree with this. Several times I have suggested that narcissism is a problem for a poster (usually narc parenting) to be told indignantly that I am not a 'professional' BAH! Not a expert, I wish!! I am an expert. I have dealt with pathological narcissists for 44 years, 44 f###ed up wasted years. Most professionals will have read some books, that will NOT provide them with a true understanding of NPD.

fathoms
Did you tell her the problems you had with her? Did you tell her why you were going no-contact? If not, maybe this should be the final break for her. Maybe you should be as blunt and honest with her as possible as to why you've cut her off. Some people say that you can't reason with a PD, but with a parent, I sort of feel like that "extra bond" means that you should at least be honest.

The idea that a "extra bond" is there because someone is your parent is wrong. Some parents, particularly a NPD 'parent' does NOT want the best for you. The pathologically narcissistic parent/lover is a destroyer, a destroyer of spirit, of your very soul. They will suck you dry and drive you crazy.
After saying that, you could confront her with her behavior if you want too. If she's N it won't do any good, just make her angry and indignant.
I think you can reason with PDs sometimes depends on the type of PD, but not a NPD as the classic sign of NPD is the inability to achieve self awareness or admit fault.
Sounds like in your case No Contact is good idea. If she is harassing/stalking you, which is not unusual for a engulfing N parent you should consider a restraining order.
Just noticed this is an old thread. Oh well.