Just want to talk to people who can relate

I have been going through bouts of paranoia/delusions for a few years now. They usually only last a few days to a week something they are like a month but they usually get better as time goes by. I consider myself a pretty reasonable person for the most part. I mean I don't subscribe to any fairy tales except for possibly once about my own life. Not very fun fair tales though. I feel weird writing to much on here because my most consistent worry is that I am being watched on my computer or by cameras, but the cameras part is only when I am going really down hill and usually I can talk myself out of it because it just would be way to difficult. I don't really have any reason for thinking this I mean I can't justify why there would be cameras or any sort of monitoring but I feel the evidence that is happening is always there but I just can't figure out a purpose for it. Even when I am feeling my most sane I still can't really let go completely of the idea because I have had so many situations that backed up my thoughts. It gets weirder though as I type this I imagine criticism coming from out my window or somewhere where the sound is just to faint to completely be certain. This happens to me a lot and usually the more depressed I am feeling the worse it is. I feel like either everyone is seeing this like everyone has the opportunity to watch or a small group of ppl are and they sometimes share the information(I cycle through many more variations of this though). Another problem I have is that when I try to illicit a response by typing something or doing something crazy I feel guilty like really guilty afterwards that I am unfairly causing the people that watch me distress. Even typing this I think great I am just being a burden again by giving everyone the idea they need to tip toe around me and I just feel so frustrated like just stop watching me that's all I want, but I don't know if it is happening so it is just this crazy problem in my life I have no solution to that makes me feel helpless. Sometimes it makes me think no matter what I accomplish if I can never be sure I have my privacy then I will be perpetually uncomfortable and I just don't want to live like that. The thing is I know tomorrow someone will respond to this like my parents or people outside someone will by treating me carefully or differently and it makes me feel worse like more paranoid not better. Right now again I feel that guilt like they are saying what is his problem why can't he just shut up about it deal with it ughh its frustrating. It's weird though I am generally a calm person, I try to be nice, I am not jealous, dangerous, or violent, I feel like most people would not see me at all as mentally ill if they didn't know I think these sorts of things. Does anyone else have these kind of delusions? There is more stuff but I really want to hear from someone else and I have already said a lot thanks for any advice or input or whatever anyone has to say. I hope no one who could potentially be watching this makes an account and messes with me that would suck I really just want to talk to some people like me and not feel judged or anything.

Hi, JSebass! No one here would hurt you or think badly of you. I know someone who gets delusional thoughts and she's in treatment, it's really helping her. Do you have a doctor?

Hey thanks =). No I don't have a doctor I have seen a counselor a few times and he was really nice and basically said that I just need to calm down and that my thoughts are not realistic and they were just the result of some stuff I had gone through recently.The thing is that was a few years ago and they haven't really gone away. No professional has told me I have this but I know I do I think the persecutory type. I have thought about treatment but the thing is I don't really know if all my thoughts are delusions I mean some of them seem completely possible to me all the time not just when I am feeling messed up. I manage pretty well most of the time now but I really avoid going out because so many things set me off. I don't know I just feel like medications are not really going to do anything for me because I am not having psychotic episodes or anything(except when I have been under the influence of certain things). Do they have treatment for people who are having completely possible delusions? I mean what if my thoughts aren't delusions(at least some of them) and they would be treating me when I am not sick. To me it is really hard to decide if there is something wrong with me or I am just paying attention and noticing things. Thanks again for answering.

Dear JSebass, it's great that you have been corageous enough to post your thoughts and feelings on here to share. I'm not sure if my reply will be helpful or not, because I personally can't relate to what you are going through. But I feel for you and thought I'd suggest some things that may be useful for you. I recently discovered about learning and practicing Mindfulness Meditations. This is not religious at all, it's a way of focussing your attention on your body, breath etc which in turn turns down the volume of our 'thoughts' that can make us feel anxious, paranoid, agitated etc. So when our focus shifts to the physical sensations of the body for example, the thoughts and emotions quieten down. The idea is to practice through CDs or in classes for 8 weeks, because our brains pick up how to beome Mindful and not live in our heads with our worries, but use the 'doing' mind and feel what we experience. I'm not sure if I am explaining this well, I recommend looking at Breathworks, or Jon Kabatz-Zinn. It's also about compassion and kindness (to yourself as much as to others). I've just completed my 8 weeks, and it has helped me hugely in deaing with the traumas in my life my problem is more physical, I get extremely painful tension in my muscules which start off in my mind....it's been really beneficial to me and lots of people I know I would greatly recommend it. Take care

I think I know what you mean. Do you mean by training yourself to become more aware of your surroundings and senses you will be less focused on your thoughts during down time? Like I find that if I am not really immersed in a task I have an opportunity to think negative things so maybe by making myself focused on my senses I won't let my mind wander into negativity so easily? Sorry if I am getting it all wrong. Either way I really appreciate your advice and I will look into what you're talking about. I hope you continue to have relief.

Hey, that does sound like a good idea, a distraction. Hope it works well for you guys.

J, a professional would probably be able to tell what they need to treat, if you find someone good.

I know it's just that I know there assumption is going to be that everything I think is happening is not. The things that I think are reaffirmed very often and I know the usual arguments like maybe it's just because I am looking for only evidence that is consistent with what I already believe is happening and I am ignoring all the evidence that it is not but I just can't throw away everything I have noticed in the past few years. Also professionals cost money and my parents don't have it and neither do I. I feel like this is something I need to get through myself. I feel bad for making accusations and stuff towards people I care about but I almost never do that anymore (even though the problems are still there) and I feel like having these problems has in many ways made me a way better person. It has forced me to really think about how I make other people feel and what it means to be a good person. Sorry I talk to much don't feel obligated to answer it's just nice venting a little. Oh and totally off topic but that is the best picture ever haha that cat looks like it is about to go on a quest or something makes me smile =) anyways happy international women's day (google ftw)

Happy women's day! Hehehe, ya kittie is off to save the world lol


Maybe there's a way to see a professional for free, maybe your family could help you find out. It's admirable that you're thinking about how you make people feel and are trying to overcome this on your own, though.

Hey sorry it took so long to reply march break etc but yeah I wouldn't consider myself admirable, and I am sure if you had to deal with my questioning you wouldn't either haha, but as soon as I sense the person is getting angry or uncomfortable I realize my questioning is probably unwarranted and I start feeling bad and try to back off. Something free would be cool but I don't think there is anything anyone could tell me that would really change me (I don't mean that in an arrogant way I completely respect academics). A few kind words from a stranger are enough to clear my head for a while though so thank you again =). Just makes me realize that the things in my head aren't always a reflection of reality.

Well the forum and I are here if you need to talk!

The psych might be able to help you through support, advice, maybe meds, who knows. But you don't have to do anything that you don't feel comfortable with or ready for.