Seasonal aspects of psychosis + advice needed

Did anyone else notice delusions and other psychotic behaviour escalating come spring? We are just going through the rerun of last year's spring which was sheer hell. I guess I got my wish from this thread - last couple of days my husband is escalating to the point where things are close to unbearable and I am (again) preparing my exit. I can't help but beat myself over the fact that I should have done it year ago and it would have been easier. And I fear things will kind of get "back to normal" (yes, I realize the sheer irony of this phrase), I'll waver again and be back to writing this same thing next spring.

And now for 'advice needed' part... I'll need to talk to my manager about taking some time off once I leave. There is no way I can work full time for couple of weeks I'll need to arrange things such as housing, child care, transportation, starting the divorce proceedings, etc. How much should I disclose? I have good relationship with my manager and he is aware that my personal life is stressful, but definitely doesn't have an idea of how messed up things really are. Is it OK to say that I need to deal with some personal issues and maybe mention divorce (that will become rather obvious at some point)? Now, based on my husband's reaction I might at some point be in a situation where I'll need to file restraining order and talk to HR/security in my workplace to enforce it so I guess at that point whole mental illness and abuse aspects would come up. So be it, but I would still like to deal with things as quietly as possible.

On one hand, I am in a position where I'll just need to rely on couple of my coworkers as my support network and safety net since as an immigrant I don't have any family in this country and all other, non-work related contacts are pretty much limited by my husband's behaviour over last couple of years. On the other hand, my job is my only safety line, one stable thing in my life that will enable me and my children to survive and I want to behave profesionally and avoid tainting this with my personal issues.

I am really sorry things are getting worse for you. I'm not sure what advice to give. It's hard to tell someone else what to do when I haven't been able to help my wife improve at all.

I'm assuming you've already thought of this, but is it possible to kick him out instead of you leaving? Have you talked to a lawyer about this yet? If you are going to go through with a divorce, someone has to leave & if you have the kids, it should be him. If you have not already, I would talk to a lawyer before doing anything else. Come up with a plan of action.

when my wife was hospitalized the 1st time, I told my manager why. At first I was reluctant to tell my co-workers, but after the months dragged on & it sunk in she will never get better, I didn't care anymore. I mean, if she had cancer I would tell everyone, so what's the difference? It's as much of a real illness as anything else. It's just the loneliest one .

The only people I am reluctant to discuss her illness with is our friends, because then it might get back to her somehow & she freaks out whenever I talk about her as being mentally ill/chemically imbalanced. She thinks I am convincing everyone as part of the "plot" against her. I can't say how your managers & co-workers will react, but mine have all been sympathetic.

Good luck

Hi Tara
I haven't posted for sometime as luckily I made the escape from my husband about eighteen months ago. I do agree that Spring does seem to start the cycle, a bit like hibernation all is quiet for the winter and then come Spring we're off.

In response to your question, when my husband last went into meltdown with me and I knew the only answer was seperation I took my boss in for a meeting and had a very frank discussion with her about my husband's illness. I luckily had a good working relationship with her and found her to be very understanding and she even spoke about a member of her own family who suffered from mental illness. I needed very little time off as I am lucky enough to be surrounded by my family who stepped in with support especially with the kids.

When you give people the chance then can sometimes surprise who with their warmth and understanding. It did not take from my professional work and I have since been promoted. I think once I was no longer living in a stressful situation I could focus more on my work and thus reaped the rewards.

I am now eighteen months down the line, I have legally seperated, unfortunatley living in Ireland I will not be able to divoice for another few years. The family house has been sold and I now own my own home with my two girls and have very little contact with my husband. It has not been easy but each day is better than the last and I am accountable to no-one but me, which as you know is a huge thing with a delusional husband.

I urge you not to wait for another Spring, if you go this time you will look back this time next year and wonder what took you so long.

Best of luck

Trace.

Tara - Trace and Querty are right. Maybe the law can have your husband removed before you have to leave.

I had 2 positive experiences with bosses. The first in a super large corp. I sat down and told my boss what was happening very frankly. I also got lots of sympathy and a story about his mother in law with similar problems. He arranged for me to have a counselor to talk with once a week for 6 months (on the company), and arranged to let me work from home 2 days a week for 3 months. Remember I was commuting 250 miles weekly in those days. I did share this with 2 peers who kept my secret. To this day they sometimes email me to see how its going.

Then more recently my present boss was the same way - tiny enterprenurial size company (5 people). Of course in this case my wife followed me to work several times and was intent on causing trouble. I had to explain to him why I was out in the parking lot yelling at my wife to go home.

Both bosses being the tough, non-emotional engineering type, really had a soft spot for this situation. Wondered what kind of life I could lead with all this trouble.

So Tara, don't be afraid or embarassed. Do what you know you have to do. Hang Tough!!

I have been posting at this forum under another name, I had to change my username and edit some of my posts because my wife discovered my posts here, sorry for any confusion this might have caused anyone.

With respect to the topic of this thread: My wife has only shown symptoms for less than two years, but both years the symptoms flared up in the autumn, the first time in September immediately after our only child started attending school full time, and the next year just after Thanksgiving (that is late November).

Several members of my family have wondered if there is Sesonal Affective Disorder-type component to her illness, or if it is triggered by stress from the coming holidays, or both, or it could just be a coincidence.

So far (knock on wood) spring and summer seem to be good times for her.

The first year I told essentially no one what was going on and it was impossibly stressful for me. The second time it happened I resolved to tell people who could help me, and that included some people at work, starting with my supervisor. As qwerty points out, if your spouse had cancer you would tell them at some point, it is only the stigma of mental illness that keeps us from treating it the same way.

I was pretty lucky in that my supervisor is someone who has been my friend even longer than she has been my supervisor, so she has been very understanding and supportive. She herself had been married to a hopeless alchoholic whom she divorced once her kids were grown, so she is sympathetic to someone who has a difficult home life. I told a handful of coworkers and that has helped too, for example when they hear my side of a phone conversation with my wife from the next cubicle ("No dear, I don't think they are following you..." )

I know everyone's work situation is different and there are certainly horror stories out there about unsympathetic bosses, but my story is another one where telling a few people at work was definitely the right thing to do.

For the record I work at a medium-sized international corporation with pretty robust HR policies and benefits.

Thank you all for your replies. I did some more investigations and sure enough, seasonal aspects of psychosis, especially in conjunction with mood changes, are documented in medical literature all over the place.

Things leveled off a bit, but I still know I need to get out. I guess the main issue is that I am still trying to get things done in such a way that I don't burn all the bridges to him behind me although that might just prove to be impossible. Also, I just can't read him anymore and predict his reactions - so I have to expect that reaction to my leaving might range anywhere from resignation to utter mayhem.

I consulted lawyer at some point last year, but I'll need to do it again since our situation changed in some aspects. I am also starting therapy next month since I emotionally need to sort things out and get some independent input. The irony is that he would go absolutely ballistic about lawyer and therapist since in his view getting us to spend money on lawyers and therapists is the part of whole conspiracy to destroy us. This, of course, means that I need to plan things with military precision, but then I am so used to that after two years of this hell...

Yes, it would be logical for him to leave, but I don't see this happening at his current state of mind - apparently, that would be very bad tactical move for him... Not that he's wrong about it
After involuntary commitment fiasco I don't have much reverence for the system so I am certainly not going to involve law enforcement if not absolutely necessary. Kicking him out would play right into his doom scenarios. Luckily, we don't own a house together so there are no major financial downsides to leaving.

I decided I'll talk openly to my manager once I am ready to make a move. Funny you should mention talking openly about other illnesses and avoiding the talk about mental issues. One of my former coworkers had spinal injury last year. It really got me thinking - he is paralized, his family's financial situation is rather precarious and yet everyone rallied around him and his family, he is still his old optimistic self and his wife and kids are taking it in the stride. And then there is us. Superficially normal but just beneath the surface far worse off than most people dealing with physical handicaps...

I am resurrecting this old and rather prophetic thread of mine. There are two reasons. First is rather selfish - it has been a bad couple of days and I need to get this out *now* as opposed to waiting to see my therapist in couple of days. Second reason is that this nicely shows how living with untreated DD does mean circling around in endless torment, both for the delusional person and for those around him/her...

Yes, I waivered (or at least did not move fast enough). Yes, it is year later. We are going through the yearly spring madness for the third year in a row. Yesterday, I apparently overslept on purpose (well, not exactly on purpose, "they made me do it") since he was planning to go somewhere. He didn't tell me about it, because "informations leak" if he tells me (yeah, fact that I have this thing called "work" to go to, apparently doesn't register at all). Today, "they" arranged a long wait at the post office (and those two hapless CPAs sending off whole bunch of tax returns that were in front of me are their stooges, waiting there all morning for me to show up). Yesterday I happened to ask whether the particular bill was due to arrive soon and lo and behold it came the same day - that not a coincidence, that thought was planted in my mind. And so on, and so on... Nothing is too trivial to discuss anymore, not a piece of garbage on the sidewalk, not a clogged toilet, absolutely nothing...

I am tired. I am angry, both at him and myself. I am afraid, both of leaving and staying with him. How did I get into this mess and why I can't get out of it?

Tara wrote:Nothing is too trivial to discuss anymore, not a piece of garbage on the sidewalk, not a clogged toilet, absolutely nothing...

I am tired. I am angry, both at him and myself. I am afraid, both of leaving and staying with him. How did I get into this mess and why I can't get out of it?

I know how you feel. Living with DD is the most exhausting thing I've ever done (and I was a single mom for 22 years)! All those years together weren't as much stress as ONE MONTH with a DDJ. As far as being afraid to leave or stay, I've done both. I've lived WITH him and we've lived APART. Both are traumatizing for different reasons. The only real peace I suppose we will ever have is when it's all over and behind us. We stay in it because we love them, or why would we bother? And letting someone go you love is the hardest thing in the world. I'm assuming he either takes no medication or the meds he's on do not work?

Anyway, hang in there.....