Fears of Cyclothymia or Bipolar Disorder

I'd like to give you all a brief background before I voice my concerns. I would appreciate opinions, I have been angsting over possibilities for well over a year now. I am 15, and have been concerned about the possibilities of being bipolar since I was 14, around the time that I -stopped- drinking. I've had wonderful times in the last four years, but terrible lows. To the point that I am a self-injurer. At this point I am very cautious and avoid sharp objects when I even consider the possibility. In any case, I have not been able to sleep for days or weeks at a time for the last two, three years. I hit puberty four years ago, and that's when things started. -- My mother has bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and some other form of depression I think, so it would make sense if I had bipolar disorder or cyclothymia. My family also has a history of alcoholism which I caught on to around October or November of last year.

Because of my mother, my eldest sister, and several other aspects of my less than happy family, I have become extremely aware of my own thoughts, feelings and behaviours. I've considered the possibilities of external stresses, but then realized that between the ages of 11 and 13, I didn't stress much at all. I just felt depressed or happy. Happy to the point that I was hyper, talked non-stop, and started drinking, and depressed to the point that I was lethargic, didn't do much except do my duties as alter server at my old Catholic church (which I no longer attend, I consider myself non-denominational Christian) and would drink because I could.

When I was 13, going on 14, my mother endured a nervous breakdown and my stepfather leaving her. Understand that my stepfather was my spiritual guide, I was closer to him than I was with most people, and I told him much more than I told either of my true parents, or my stepmother. That was my first year at school, as well, the year of my mother's breakdown I started 7th grade. Before that, I was homeschooled. I transferred to another school due to death-threats and the faculty literally being against me in spite of the fact that I didn't start a lot. I just ended it. I'm starting to think students hated me because of my erratic behaviour. My mother had her breakdown -after- the transfer.

I experience highs and lows, but generally remain in the lows most of the time with a few days or a couple weeks in between of feeling wonderful. Unfortunately, during these wonderful times, I tend to run low on money, my grades slip further because I get bored with the work, I twitch a lot and annoy most of my friends. I have done more than a few things I regret that have led to myself or others being hurt, and tend to get in fights during these times (verbal or physical). I rarely feel normal, and it's rarely for long. I go directly from this almost... I suppose you could call it hypomania, to immediate depression. As if my mind goes on shutdown, then reminds me of all the things I've done that I shouldn't. I tend to fall deep into depression, and lose more sleep than when I am having an 'up week.' This tends to climax, then I start to feel better little by little, with the more than occasional slip back down. The times that I do feel 'normal' I suppose is between depression and up, almost never up and -then- down.

I had therapy for a while, for the self-injuring and general downs, but I got out of that within weeks both times my parents tried. I just couldn't do it, the therapists angered me and frustrated me, and when I was feeling great they would ask me why I felt depressed. As a result, I have a tendency not to like therapists, and in general I have a low opinion of psychologists. Well, doctors overall. I want to find enough hard, solid evidence that maybe there really is something wrong with me and it's not just the onset of puberty and adolescense. If I do, I will go to the doctor, but if I can disprove it, I'll move on, assuming that I'm normal, and that maybe it really -is- stress of some sort.

I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice on how to deal with these fears, or help me find information on cyclothymia and bipolar disorder. I've scoured hundreds of websites, and browsed through some books (though the books generally were put together in a complicated manner, and during my worst lows my comprehension begins to fail me) but I just don't know for sure. I don't often like to look through books without already knowing about it ahead of time (which is surprising, considering I'm a bookworm and am rarely seen without a book) so if someone could recommend a couple to me, that would be excellent. Opinions and advice for personal care would be wonderful, too, if anyone has it to spare. I want to feel happy, maybe this all is a teenage/puberty thing, but I'm worried it could be more. My mother agrees.

I apologize for the length of this, and I hope it didn't bother anyone if anyone has read all of it.

Thanks,
_A.Madele

Note: I've already posted this in another forum I found, but this looks like a more reliable (and a more active) site.

I glad that you are able to realize that your problems are real and that you are talking about them. I am a Registered Nurse and have cyclothymia. First, you are correct that cyclothymia has a hereditary component. Alcoholism or substance abuse is common in about 1 out of three with the disorder. Have you discussed this with your mother or someone else in a position to help? It is imperative that you see a good psychatrist to get on the right medication, the sooner the better. These symptoms can be controlled, with the right medication and counseling. Each of these is equally important. Remember that you are not crazy; you have an imbalance of brain chemistry.
You mention being low on money when you are "feeling good". I am guessing that you go on spending sprees. This is a common symptom in all bipolar type of disorders, as are some of the other things you are feeling, including self-injury. I have experienced all of these problems. The trick is going to be: once you are on a good med regimen, don't stop taking them because you feel better. I have often done this (no more) and it comes from the fact that you will see things more clearly and can "reason" that you can control symptoms because of your new insight. Don't make this mistake. This is a chronic (permanent) condition, and you will have to be very diligent to maintain good compliance with your treatment.
But, please, get help soon. We can't go this alone. You are far too young and have a whole life ahead of you. Make a decision not to let this beat you down. Once the clouds clear, you will see your worth, and be able to make good decisions. Regaining control takes time, so don't be discouraged if you don't feel better overnight. Just hang in there and fight.
We are all out here for you. Let me know when you get set up with a good physician. If I can be of any help, write back, even if it's just because you are needing to vent. You made the fist step and are very brave to acknowledge your problem. I wish you all the best. CB

I made a brief mention to my mother, but not much of one. To be honest, I don't want to have to go onto meds or anything. That's my biggest fear.

I really wouldn't call it bravery. If anything I would call this cowardice, I have too many doubts to go to a psychiatrist yet. I just want to be able to pinpoint things, I guess. And it will be very hard to convince my father. In any case, I have an extremely difficult time trusting doctors. Everyone's human, doctors just have the ability

I self-injured a lot until recently, and I'm afraid it will start up again within the next several. I gave my mom my pocket knife last night to hold for a few days because I've been feeling like Hell for a few weeks now. I've never gone more than one year without cutting.

Bah, this is all coming out kind of funny. I haven't slept properly in a few weeks. Thank you very much for responding so fast. I think the reason why I can talk about this is because this online. It's a mask, y'know? I can fit my words out without worrying about contradiction because there's that convenient little power button. (I'm a bit of a net addict.)

All I know is that I'm terrified that this might be real, and people have been telling me the same things. I do my damnedest to step back and see what's wrong, why I'm hurting or why I don't feel great -all- the time and this is all that comes up. Possibilities.


Is it possible that this is all just something that comes along with adolecense? That I just dramaticise it a bit, or am a little more affected by things I already consider average, like my mother... She's got her fair share of problems, so maybe that has added to external stress? I mean, as far back as I can remember I've always found her fairly easy to deal with. Especially now, though, because her meds and diagnosis...es... are all straightened out. But when she got better, I dealt with other things that still affect my life. It's weird though, I put myself into dangerous situations and don't even realize it until it's -almost- too late. I just don't know what to think anymore about myself, I always thought I was the one in the family who avoided all those problems, even when I cut myself I always thought "I'm doing this because everyone else hurts me..." I almost show signs of co-dependency, because people hurt me most... when they hurt themselves. And other things. Lots of other things.

This has to be some external stress + hormone thing.


Edit:
I'm sorry, I'm freaking out right now. I've been having a rough go at it the last few days in particular.

Fantastic. -.- I haven't even done any more research with my mom, like she said she would, and she's already gotten my dad (who argues with psyche care majorly) to agree to get me analyzed or whatever for bipolar II or cyclothymia. Grr.

Just thought I'd post the update. Don't know why. I feel FINE. I've gotten melatonin in hopes that it will help me sleep. Took some + two tablets of valerian about an hour ago with a glass of milk, and am hoping that this will make me drowsy enough to sleep. I might try some meditative exercises or whatever before sleep. They tend to help a little tiny bit. o.o;

--I'll admit... since this is online, I don't have to worry as much, I feel safer.

Except for when I'm online, I don't like to acknowledge the possibilities of being cyclothymic or bipolar. But every little thought lately has led me to believe that my behaviour really is related to these disorders. For no reason, I was depressed for several weeks. I've felt steadily better and better over the last day or so, and had so much energy that I could've exploded. I was extra aware of my surroundings, I felt/noticed things I hadn't noticed in my entire stay here in Texas. (Visiting my mother here)

I felt depressed before I got here after a rather up-beat spell where I almost managed to get myself raped, then felt normal for about a week. I got depressed again, though, this time it lasted for weeks and weeks, eventually leading to a climax, and now I feel like I did when I almost managed to get so badly hurt. I'm scared that when I go to Delaware with my best friend that I'll do something stupid, but I think I have enough self-control. I managed to get myself out of the other situation, right? These are such abrupt mood changes, really, within hours I'm a different person for a few weeks, but some thoughts remain separate. They keep analyzing myself, and pointing out that hey... this isn't normal... Why do you feel this amazing... when nothing stimulated it? Why did you feel that depressed with nothing to stimulate it?

Get what I'm saying? -.-; Bah, I'm rambling. Who'll care? -- If someone sent me a private message who saw this board in particular, it didn't go through. Maybe you should email me or something. -- Ramblerambleramble, too much energy for my own good. And I really don't want to get analyzed.

I have no idea what it's like, and it's a scary concept really. >.> I'm going to ask my mom about it later.