My self harm Journey.......

So, its looking likely that I have bipolar or some other type of brain malfunction and this is how I started because I believe that at the time I was going through manic/psychosis point when it started.

At age 12 I believed that if I offered my blood to Dana, I would be able to make things happen, she would make my life better.

This continued for a while and then I took first overdose age 13/14 and was placed on, Seroxat of all things, and the self harming worsened, it was no longer about Gods, it wwas about getting the bad stuff out of me. Seroxat made me feel like my blood was on fire, that I was bad, I had to get it our, I had to get rid of the pressure.

Sometimes I burned, sometimes I cut, sometimes I punched things. My weight yo-yoed as I used food against me. I took too may Seroxat for a 'good' time and then used too many valium too 'help me come down'.

Then, after a spell in a psychiatric unit (72 hour section afer what should have been a fatal over dose), I was sent to live with someone I hardly knew. Didn't go well, I ran away.

I livd in Bristol and the self harm kinda abated for a while, but then it came back, drugs, drink, sleeping with anybody, using other people to damage me as much as they could (I would often end up in bar fights etc).

Then I hit a point were I was socially phobic for a while, wouldn't leave the house. I just got stoned, way too many drugs and drink. I used safety pins to pierce through my skin and live it like that for ages, I am not talking one or two, but as many as I could find. I would break glass and insert shards into my skin, a few are still there 10 years later and it worries me somewhat.

I continued cutting on and off, using other people to hurt me, I got married but wuold throw things at my husband, egg him on (this WAS NOT HIS FAULT, you have to have been there to understand), ask him to hit me, kick him, punch him, he wold say horrible things but I just wanted him to punch me, physically hurt me and one day, he punched me, I had hurt him and he had reached the end. My jaw broke in two places (not the worst I have had, I thought I had just broken a tooth until the dentist looked at the xray, but up in bristol, I shattered a collarbone in a fight).

The husband and I went to relationship councselling because I fell pregnant. I managed to stop cutting, but every nw and again I would do something that would hurt myself but wouldn't necessarily show. It wasn't as regular as it was, I felt so bad about having to explain my scars to my kids, and then, over the past couple of years I lost my strength again and cutting has started and its bad.

I try to stop, manage for a few weeks and then it starts again.............

So many people do not get what cutting is like, what the pain is like. For me, I would much rather feel physical pain that have someone say nasty things to me because a cut/punch/broken bone, they all heal, words, they never go away, they go round and round my head.

Anyway, thats my story.

At the moment I am currently under crisis team care due to yet another overdose last week, my psychology appointment today was cancelled but the crisis team have arranged for an urgent psychiatric appointment at my home tomorrow.

This is more than the cutting (it usually is), but I feel fragmented, I feel like I have been holding myself together with sticking plasters for years but you know how you get in a bath and the plasters fall off? Thats whats happened, only this time, its worse than ever before, I am holding on by string and nothin more and that string is fraying by the second.

People think of self harm as a young persons thing (well. people I know anyway), but I am 30 now, I am married, have 3 kids (last birth was most excellent, home birth, DH was busy having a bath before the midwife turned up, midwife was late, husband came downstairs, looks at me and says ' what the f*** is that'? I said, 'its a baby'! I didn't even know the sex! I caught her, unwrapped cord from around her neck and got her breastfeeding asap. Most amazing experience.........

I love my husband and I love my kids and they do give me strength, but sometimes the illness I have is stronger than the strength I have and my family give to me.

Hugs to all..........

So sorry you have been through so much. I am 31 and have not self harmed for about 4 or 5 months. I know what you mean about ppl thinking it is a young person's illness. I am also sorry to hear you are in crisis atm tho I am glad you are under a crisis team. You mention a psychology appt, have you had much therapy input as I think it could do you a lot of good. I hope you find the forum to be a warm and welcoming place.

Cracked