Does anyone write words with blades upon their skin?

I am quite tired of listening to medical nonsense, so I would like to ask you: when you cut, do you feel the urge to write words upon your skin with the blade you are using?

I do. I write things like "evil", "venom", "cursed", "unclean". If you ask me why, I will not be able to explain: all of a sudden I know I must do it, and when it is done I have no idea what for.

The doctor keeps telling me this must be the key to the reason I cut, but provides no further help. Yes, of course, even I could tell you it must have something to do with the motives for my cutting. But in what way?

I would greatly appreciate it if anyone could shed some light on it.

I don't feel the urge to carve the words into my skin, but when I do cut I do feel things like "evil" "unclean" "venom" etc. I don't literally cut the words into my skin but I think them, and I sometimes say them. I have no idea either.

PIPsqueak240 wrote:I don't feel the urge to carve the words into my skin, but when I do cut I do feel things like "evil" "unclean" "venom" etc. I don't literally cut the words into my skin but I think them, and I sometimes say them. I have no idea either.

Yep, done it off and on for 20 years. The first thing I wrote was my initials. A couple years after that, I carved my boyfriend's name into my thumb, and "Help Me" into my wrist. Most recently, I carved "No Pain" and "DNR (for Do Not Resuscitate)" on my thigh. If I have to cut, I prefer that, because sometimes, I cut with a more serious intent.

Still it would be best if I could avoid it altogether. When I can, I try to leave the house and participate in a hobby that has to be done outside, or at least, away from home. It's easier for me to deal when I'm not surrounded by the triggers that I don't always recognize as triggers.

Thank you both! I feel much better now. Do you think we could understand this if we tried to? I mean, I am sick and tired of explaining things to doctors who have a book of pre-determined descriptions which do not fit me.

Obviously, writing or thinking this kind of word seems to mean we are not exactly at peace with ourselves. In fact, I suppose - at least in my case - it is a sort of punishment.

Why do I deserve to be punished? It is beyond me. All I could think about is, even though I never suffered physical or sexual abuse during childhood, I have always been under constant pressure to be perfect. My father and mother cannot stand the sight of one another, and my sister was content to pretend she was dumb. I, however, couldn't help thriving in studies and career. And the more I did, the more it was made clear to me their love was conditioned to my success (my sister never received much attention at all, the poor thing). Both my parents are eager to take credit for my efforts every time they can, and I always get the distinct feeling they are proud of themselves for having a bright daughter, instead of being proud of me.

That's all in the past, I know. But I think the urge to be perfect has somehow stuck into my brain, and every time I fail - even if it is a small, meaningless mistake - I feel terribly unworthy. The pain is too much to deal with, and so I have to cut.

Does that make any sense to you? Do you relate to this? I think that, if we try to discuss our situation, we might get somewhere the doctors can never get to. It is my personal experience that no one understands a sick person - be the disorder mental or physical - like someone else who suffers from the same ailment.

Mittinana, I feel much better too, knowing that theres at least 2 people out there who understand how I feel. I too am fed up trying to explain and feeling the need to justify myself the the psychiatrist/doctor/psychologist (I don't even know what she is!)

Again, I agree- when I cut I feel as if I am punishing myself. Every drop of blood that leaves my body is like another drop of inadequacy that I no longer need to worry about. I too have been pressured to feel perfect, and have been blessed with the love of knowledge and the constant thirst to thrive and learn more and make something of myself; although I wouldn't class myself as "bright", I never settle for anything less than perfect and feel like a failiure if I'm not top in something. However, that's not the only thing for me. I've had tonnes of crap being hurled at me all my life. The sh*t just never stops hitting the fan, I'm afraid.

That's all in the past, I know. But I think the urge to be perfect has somehow stuck into my brain, and every time I fail - even if it is a small, meaningless mistake - I feel terribly unworthy. The pain is too much to deal with, and so I have to cut.

I'm also exactly the same.


I think the three of us can help each other to understand. Three brains is better that one! NgofCS, what are your circumstances or thoughts?

Pipsqueak,

would you like to talk about what else you think is a reason for you to cut? Until NGofCS answers, we could add more elements to the discussion.

What I think is amazing is, I have already had a brief chat with NGofCS about the matter and he/she has exactly the same profile as we do. Passion for knowledge, ambition (as in always wanting to learn and to climb higher), IQ above average (I am sure yours is too), a thirst for perfection. Wow, how come my doctor has never realised there is a pattern? Just goes to prove how much good talking to psychiatrists will do.

Do tell me more about what you feel, if you're comfortable with it. I think the three of us may be able to help one another indeed. Oh, and as I told NGofCS, my name is Daniela, my e-mail is danikalil@gmail.com and I am more than willing to Google chat (only messenger I can open while at work) with you whenever you feel the urge coming on or just want to talk.

I'm not quite sure what I feel when I cut, actually; almost dissociative. I don't know that I feel it as punishment so much as release.

My childhood was peppered with sexual and mental abuse, and I know that the former is largely responsible for my wildly-fluctuating weight. I liked the way I looked when I was thinner, but I got noticed more by men, too, and I hated that. Well, not completely. It was kinda nice not having to open doors, or buying more than one drink for myself. They offered, I didn't ask. Major distinction.

Anyway, mom was a piece of work. She had a lovely passive/aggressive attitude about her, and a growing paranoia that extended to me and my brother by the time I could drive. She would tell me to try things, then tell me the things I wanted to try were a waste of my time, because I wasn't good enough. Then she'd ask why I didn't work harder on those self-same things. Near the end, she just got nasty.

Sadly, three cases do not make a pattern. Mental health is still murky. I have kidney disease, and it's really easy to see with an ultrasound, or even by palpating my abdomen or back. Can't do that with depression or paranoia or anything else. Diagnosis is based on anecdotal evidence, which may or may not be accurate. I do wish, however, that the doctors would be a little more trusting. I wish my last therapist had understood that I wouldn't have been in his office if this wasn't dramatically and negatively affecting my life.

Thankyou for your kindness, Daniela. I will add your email.

NgofCS, I have only recently come to the realisation that the trauma experienced as a child was actually emotional abuse- it's very hard to detect when it's been hammered into you that it's actually your fault, that you brought it all on yourself. My mother was, and is, the biggest factor in my sadness; she can be a nasty piece of work but then turns it around and makes me feel like the guilty one as she gets upset at my misperfections. I am still a teenager and live at home; there's no way out. I'm also sorry to hear about your kidney disease.

My psychiatrist (if that's even what she is- I haven't got a clue!) didn't turn up to an appointment on Friday. The receptionist rang her and she'd gone home and forgotten all about it (she had to come from out of town- I usually go out of town to see her, but this time she was meant to come and see me). Then said that I was the one who had the mix up, when I saw CLEARLY in the book in reception that the appointment was with her, and not, as she had said, with my doctor about going on meds. Argh!!!! Sorry, mini rant there

I must say, that I feel much better in meeting you both (well.. sort of! Haha.). It's so refreshing to talk to people on the same mind frame as mine, with similar experiences.

Argh, psychiatrists not turning up is awful. I mean, it's already awful when they do, lol. When they don't it's twice as bad.

I too feel much better from meeting you. Welcome to the club...I guess. I have been talking to NGofCS and sssfjuu, and I feel so much "saner", if possible, now I have realised we do share a pattern. I mean, we're not acting randomly, we have something in common. When we find out what that something is, maybe we can deal with it.

Oh, do PM me if you want to.