*TRIGGER WARNING* Im losing it

So I just recently registered to this forum. I found it when I was looking for some help. I do not know what to do anymore. I am a 21 year old male going to college. A little over a year ago my grand mother died. 9 months following my mother passes away. Then a month later I lose the love of my life who I'd been with for almost 3 years. Things have been horrible for me recently.

I broke up with my ex girlfriend because of issues we were having. She was not comfortable with sex and I wanted to be intimate with her more than once a month. I was horribly abusive to her, I did not even realize I was doing so. I would constantly grope her and make her feel used. To top this all of I cheated on her twice. I pushed her out of my life and now she hates me. A month later I realized what kind of person I was. It broke me on a new level. I want to say I had a psychotic break but I honestly do not know.

The break started with me losing it and hyperventilating. I was crying hysterically on the phone with my best friend listening. At some point during this process the crying turned into maniacal laughter. I grabbed a kitchen knife and started pressing it to my throat. I blacked out shortly following. About 3 minutes later I'm bleeding from several different areas on my body. Entirely unable to feel the pain at the time and my friend is freaking out now. I hang up on him and walked aimlessly to the bathroom and slammed my head into the tile in the shower. I knocked myself out for about 30 minutes until my friend was waking me up in my house.

Lots of changes happened after that day. Everything seemed a bit brighter and I felt like nothing could go wrong. I then got a new Siberian Husky that I rescued from a shelter. He is such a great dog in almost every possible way. But he will destroy everything in sight when I leave the house. He breaks out of industrial strength kennels and chews up everything. So I of course punish him for his actions of destroying my house.

Recently however things got much worse. I come home today to find the worst nightmare I have ever seen. I secured him in a special way so he could not escape to destroy stuff. This method lasted about 5 times. He broke the metal kennel completely and shredded everything. I snapped and I picked him up by the throat and started punching him repeatedly. I threw him into the kennel and kicked him repeatedly. After duct taping his mouth shut I threw him over my wall outside into my side yard.

Shortly after I am sitting up against a wall inside my house with my dog next to me. I started to cry the worst since I lost my ex. My thoughts started to blur and I started losing myself again. I walked into my hall closet and opened my gun safe. I grabbed my .45 put it to my head and pulled the trigger. The only reason I am even here to type this is because of my brother. He borrowed my guns to go shooting with his buddies without asking me. I always keep a gun loaded in the safe for security but he did not reload it. He does not know about this to the day.

After I heard the click of the hammer slamming and I was still standing I completely lost it. I fell to the floor and started screaming uncontrollably. The worst part was that it was like I was two different people at once. The part of me breaking was in control of my body and the other was embarrassed. Its like I am harboring a monster and a weak pathetic child in me. The only part of me that was thinking clearly finally had enough of my reaction.

I found myself aggressively moving toward the kitchen. I grabbed a beer out of the fridge but out of anger I smashed it on the table. This actually made things even worse, I proceeded to stab myself with the broken bottle several times. After I calmed down I was bleeding really bad. I grabbed a ton of bandaging and then called for an ambulance. I was so embarrassed by what happened I broke every beer I had and said it was an accident. I claimed I slipped and broke two six packs and landed on the glass.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself, I am a monster who deserves to be put down. I don't know if I can go on like this. All I have ever done is hurt people. Now I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I just break every one I have in anger. Now whenever I look at my dog I just cry. I see the fear on his face. He is scared of me and thinks I am just going to hurt him. I don't blame him because that is all I've ever done. I'm not even sure why I am on this forum asking about this. I just want people to know how horrible I am and for me to finally be able to finish it. I'm so scared of hurting people now. I feel like no matter what I do I will always push away those closest to me. My abusive behavior is more than I can bare. I just want someone to kill me so at least one rotten scumbag will be gone from this world.

Hi there, JoggleBenkins.

Seems like you've gone through quite a copious quota of hell over the course of the past few months. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your relatives, it must have been a very difficult time.

Realising and coming to terms with being abusive and generally unfair towards another person takes a lot. many people are unable to do it, so for you to come here and openly admit that is a huge step.

Obviously I'm unable to diagnose you, only a professional can do that, etc. HOWEVER, I can relate to the part where you mentioned falling to the ground, screaming, feeling like two different people at once. this happened to me in mid 2014 at random, ever since I've felt the presence of a man I call "it" - definitely not a nice thing to experience at all.

To me, this definitely sounds like psychosis. again, I cannot diagnose you, but this rings alarm bells and screams nothing but psychosis. you explained one of my worst episodes like you were there to see it for yourself, so i can completely and absolutely relate to that.

You are not a monster and you do not deserve to be put down, your mind is playing tricks on you. Right now, that's how you feel and it's understandable. I've done terrible things to others and at times feel as though I too cannot live with the guilt. Have you seen anyone for advice or anything before? would you consider it? do you want to move on from this?

What you need is some help. I too have sat on the floor after reaching for the gun and not getting what I wanted, and I know that it is an incredibly hollow and awful feeling. Call a suicide hotline as soon as possible if you can. They might be able to help direct you to more resources in your area. There are stickies here with places that you can call. Everybody needs help sometimes. The mind can become diseased just like the body can, and the bravest thing that you can do is to seek help in healing it.

Also, please get medical attention for those wounds. Yes, it may be incredibly awkward, but please try to see the medical personnel as your fellow soldiers in your fight against this illness. They are there to help you through this, and they do want to if can be brave enough to ask.

You may also need to consider surrendering the dog to a no-kill shelter if there are any nearby. It may possibly be a safer option for him while you are working through this. You need to focus on getting well right now. Huskies are incredibly complicated and high maintenance dogs and this situation is probably not a good fit for either of you at this particular time. It might be better if you ask your friend to help you by handling the dog so that you don't have to put yourself through any more emotional trauma right now.

You can choose to get better. One small step at a time. It is very hard. It is easier said than done. But you don't have to live this way. You will need help to win this fight though.