New here and very ill

Hi I am a female, 28 years old and have been self injuring for 5 or 6 years. Cutting isn't my method I don't want to go against the rules and go into too great detail but I think I will need surgery to repair. It's caused damages to my body that I can't repair myself. It's really done more harm then I can admit to myself. No one knows, I've never told anyone besides this that I am writing and on another website yesterday but I guess I had too many details and it was taken down on that website.

I don't know why I do it. I don't feel like I can stop. I was trying to remember why I started and I was having a hard time remembering why.

My emotional instability started during my childhood I was sexually abused, I was abused by a lot of people by the time I was 13 and then I started being permiscuous and was taken advantage of by many more men that were mostly older and adults. I only recently started realizing that I was still a kid back then and even those older men that did things with me were wrong in doing so. No one ever taught me when I was a kid that those things weren't ok and no one protected me.

I left home at 14 when dhhs got involved because of a boyfriend I started seeing called them and reported some things. I was put into several places but ran away from the last group home they put me in. I lived as a runaway with my boyfriend he made me do sexual things with him that I hated and I didn't have a desire for sexual acts at all I still kept doing it because I felt like I had to. I cheated on him with over 5 people all of them much older while I was still 15/16. I think one of those situations in particular stayed with me all these years. It was a much older man and very disturbing encounter. I told him I was 16 though I was only 15 but that doesn't matter he shouldn't have done what he did.

I continued being promiscuous but didn't leave this boyfriend until I was 19. I actually was a pretty good kid other than the sexual stuff. After I turned 16 I was able to advocate to the state that I wanted to live with my mother which they granted her custody. I never lived with her but it allowed me to be able to do things with less questions. I got my GED, took my SATs and went to college for a year, I worked and was a productive person.

I was alright for a while, I spent my early 20's working a ton and being successful at every job I had, moving up very fast and working hard. Sometimes 60-70 hours. I liked working a lot. My life was somewhat empty with no family life, no family support or affection. I continued to be promiscuous but other than that didn't have much for problems. I let people use me a lot I guess that was my biggest downfall. Always getting in relationships I didn't want to be in. Letting people friends and boyfriends take advantage of me financially.

I met Someone when I was 21 and that was the first person I ever fell in love with. I felt whole and warm, secure the feeling was pretty amazing. It wasn't long before we broke up. We had a back and forth thing for a long time five years. Only two of those years did I have any hope of getting back together with him. Two more were spent knowing he was using me as a hook up and not really feeling in love with him either then the last year we only "saw" each other 2 times and I don't know why I even saw him. I didn't care at that point. Maybe it was more of a curiousness if I could have any warm feelings again.

I'll finish this later. SI is coming over me now.

Hey Ava im sorry to hear about your struggles and congrats for your school and work achievements. I think anyone here would agree self harm comes from a variety of reasons but comes a point when its hard to stop. It becomes (one of) the main coping mechanisms. Its ok to talk about your SH here such as the type etc as long as its not super descriptive i believe.

There are some stickies at the top you may want to check out if you havent already. Have you considered any type of therapy?

I have thought about therapy. My doctor knows about some of my emotional problems but I've never told her about my SI tendencies. She's prescribed me various things over the past 4 years, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, klonopin and right now she just has me taking citaloptram and a beta blocker because as of recently I have high blood pressure. She gave me a referral to a concilour and I went twice. The visits were frustrating because they were very expensive and didn't do anything for me. She wanted to take things very slow and her pace was very slow. She talked to me in a way that was too simple and general. I think I might need someone like a psychotherapist or something but I really can't afford one. I am in a massive financial crisis right now.

I am sorry that you had to go through all of this abuse...you didn't deserve it..it was not ok.I read your post and you said I don't know why I do it..well read your post Hon..all of that abuse....I was a abused,,but not to that degree,,,I hope you are ok..are you getting any help ?

Hi

It sounds like you are really struggling atm - I am sorry to hear that. It also sounds like you could do with more help than you are getting to deal with everything. One thing that came to mind which I have used in the past is a charity which works with people who have been sexually abused. It was free and it did help. Might be worth looking into something like that if you can? Please also keep safe and if you are worried about things you have done to yourself, show them to a medical professional. If you dont think you are safe then please attend the ER/A&E and ask for help. I am glad you have reached out here- please keep talking

Huge hugs

Cracked