Newbie

Hi everyone

I am a newbie on these boards and am looking to find a way to deal with some issues that I didn't manage to deal with whilst I was getting CBT. So grateful for anyone who can read this.

Basically, when I was a toddler my family immigrated to the UK from- we were political refugees. My father is an activist and dedicated his life to this. My mother has spent much of her life focussed on her career.

I am struggling with my relationship with my parents. Born into a war, I was a very difficult child. I cried a lot, I was unhappy, and I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. My mum and dad love me, but I know and have felt strongly throughout my life that there have been times when they haven't LIKED me- not love, but I must have been a very difficult child and although they tried not to show it, it's very obvious when you don't like a child.

Anyway, I resent my father for caring more about his activism and idealism (which never brought any money in...so my mum does all the work, and we have been very poor). He is self-obsessed in my opinion. He is 'kind' and 'caring' and 'humane' and all of those things. He expresses a lot of guilt. But he spends most of his time abroad- on my mother's money- pursuing his childish ideas. Never achieving anything apart from the odd victory for his ego. He never talks to me about anything other than his 'career'. And when he does, it;s distracted. And then I hear how guilty he feels...I don;t give a c**p about that- don't do something that'll make you feel guilty in the first place!!!!

Secondly, my parents brought me and my sibling up on a diet of sweets, ready meals and generally crap nutrition. We're not overweight- the opposite, underwiehgt, poorly fed, never taught how to look after ourselves. My mum was the breadwinner and my dad had to take care of us, but his appraoch to food was awful and I feel abused by it.

My mum has pretty much worked 15 hour days for the past 8 years so I barely see her anyway. But equally, my mum and I dont have a great relationship because she still views me as the unhappy baby/child that she had to deal with when she was a refugee.

All my childhood my sibling and I have been made to feel guilty because our parents have stressed how 'nice' they are...But all they ever did was plonk us in front of a playstation/laptop while my dad spent hours on his own laptop doing 'activism' aka nothing. I feel as though, althougn my parents are nice people and decent, they have been selfish and closed minded and to be quite honest, crappy parents, in that they have never taught us any skills, never spent proper time with us...just left us to get on with it. My sibling feels exactly the same.

I am in my 20s now and have struggled with depression and have some other health problems. I am desperate to move out and get away from them, but my health means I have to take things slowly and a step at a time.

Does anyone have any recommendations for coping with this anger, taking my life step by step and turning my life around so that I don't feel angry, but rather am able to accept things, move forward and take control of my own life rather than blaming my parents for things?

Thanks so much in advance

H

Hi serbia10,
i have probably the age of your parents, and although i do not come from a war experience,
i kind of admire the fact that they have remained committed to the cause. i live in a country where civil war destroyed so many families, that those that remained alive, could only cope with it, by remembering them and working on doing things better.

But you are right, you guys have paid the price. i think it is very positive that you can identifie very well your anger, and see the horizont where you will let your parents go, and take over your own life, choices and responsability.

i saw yesterday an interview which surprised me and taugh a lot of things, o better said, reassured things that i have been listening for a couple of years. ruby wax experience in depression, then she studies in oxford about these things, like learning to be grounded, and mindfulness...so she makes pretty good information very available. what i like the most is tha she gives some tips on how train, or reeducate our brain,
so we can learn to avoid falling into those holes that are so difficult to get out from later on.
hope things get better, i think this forum will be great help for you and your brothers and sisters.