I have Conduct disorder

When I was 10 (2014) years old I touched my mom while she was sleeping, I continued to do things like these for some time to a few of my relatives like aunts and my grandmother. I didn't like going to school and I didn't like responsibilities too. I always tried to run away from problems and responsibilities.

I didn't put in enough effort into doing things the right way. I didn't have friends at home because I thought it would be better to just watch TV or play video games. I always ran away from my problems.

I wasn't able to learn from my misakes because I just thought about what I did again and again and did not act. When I was 14 I couldn't keep on going like this so I stopped going to school. I didn't trust most people and I just isolated myself. I had my own smartphone and used it as a distraction. At this point I didn't think I could improve. After this I closed myself from up and did not let anyone come near, everybody was my enemy, I tried to commit suicide but I didn't have any way of doing this because there was nothing that I could make use of. People around me started to mock me. I thought everything was planned.

In july of 2019, I believed that everybody was my enemy and I couldn't just sit around feeling miserable. I couldn't see a future for myself. In 2020, I was so paranoid that I thought Covid was fake. At the start of 2021 I thought I had paranoid personality disorder and believed that thought to carry myself through the year. I know that the problem is in me, whenever I try to talk about my problems now people just ignore them because I ignored my problems before and didn't do anything. I want to improve but I don't know where to start.

I freeze up whenever people start saying things that mocks my behavior. And people do this all the time now. I will give you more info about my situation if you ask me.

Welcome to the forums! No one here will be mocking your behavior. Have you seen any professional about your issues?

Snaga wrote:Have you seen any professional about your issues?

I have gone to see professionals before but I didn't say much about my problems because I did not trust them. I lied about myself and said that I was hallucinating (they knew I wasn't). I didn't want to accept that I was the problem. I recently discovered that conduct disorder was a thing and connected all the dots. I'm trying to find a way to improve myself.
The thing I said about people mocking me is true and I only perceive it as that. And everyone I know, does it. Their intentions might not be bad, but I get irritated by it and it makes me really anxious. That mocking is happening right now. It makes it hard for me to focus on anything, I didn't even ask for help about that because people just increased the mocking if I said things like that.
Most of the time I just shut up and think aggressive thoughts or depressing thoughts or anything. Because I don't know what to do. I don't know what I should do now. I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't have any friends with whom I can talk about these things because I closed myself up after 2019.
I don't know what I should talk about to when this is happening because of fear and anxiety.

I think it would be great if you'd see a professional again, and tell them everything this time. They can't help you, if they don't know what's going on.

Mocking... I have learned to ignore it for the most part, if I suspect I'm being mocked. If it's by friends that I know are friends, I definitely try harder not to be bothered by it, because chances are always great that it's done in jest- and it's not as if I've never poked fun at someone before without meaning to be cruel. Heck, I've known people that if they didn't pick on you, they didn't like you...

Last night I watched a video about "Can sociopaths heal? ". I cried after that while complaining about how can I change in front of my family. Today it didn't feel like they were mocking me, I don't know what to believe in.
I will go to see a professional as soon as I can. Thanks for replying to my post.

Whatever you are, I don't think you're a sociopath...

Yeah you are right. I will just get some professional help about my delusions.
I believed everything that I posted about at the time of posting it. Like it was the most obvious thing.

As soon as they stopped I went back to thinking I just had schizophrenia or something. I just wanted an escape. I think I deserve this as punishment for how I behaved. I thought all of it was probably a delusion or something. How can I accept what I have done and then act the right way because the people around me will not stop just by my saying things.