[TW for violence.]
I only recently heard of conduct disorder while I am familiar with the symptoms of antisocial personality disorder and the like. I don't know if it could be paranoia or something causing me to feel this way, but sometimes I suspect that I could have the symptoms of conduct disorder. I am trying to see if I actually do have some of the symptoms of conduct disorder (though I do not always show the symptoms at times). I recently remembered that I could have some of the symptoms of the disorder, though I doubt that I will actually be diagnosed with conduct disorder as my behaviors probably aren't as consistent as most other people's behaviors with conduct disorder are.
I have depression, anxiety, PDD-NOS, psychosis (which could be caused by bipolar disorder or mild schizophrenia, we're still trying to figure out what's causing it) along with a possible eating disorder. I am an introverted person and while I tend to shy away from people at times, I still have moments where I'm able to work up the courage to talk to people. Most of the time, I'm pretty friendly though occasionally I have moments where I may come off as rude or cynical (which is true, I am kind of cynical). While these moments are rare, I can also become aggressive at times, especially if I have been triggered badly by something or if something is causing me to feel threatened or extremely paranoid. The last time I was hospitalized was in November when I was having suicidal and homicidal ideation and I was threatening my friends that if they sent me to the hospital and told my parents about how I was feeling, I would kill them and their families. Luckily I had never acted on this and they live many states away from me.
While reflecting on the symptoms of conduct disorder, I thought that I had some of the symptoms and I believe that I still have some of the symptoms while they are not always with me. I think that I'm going to talk about the symptoms soon, but I'm going to talk about some things that I've noticed that I have. I'm still not 100% sure if they are symptoms of conduct disorder because I still don't know everything about it and I do not know anyone personally who has the disorder.
I tend to have moments where I'm normally going about my day and being myself, when suddenly I will think something that is something that I'd normally think. While I'm very accepting of people, at times my normal train of thought will suddenly turn into something homophobic, which I find very odd. I find it kind of ironic because I consider myself to be pansexual and genderfluid and then out of nowhere, I'll suddenly have the mindset of the people in the Westboro Baptist Church. I find this somewhat scary to go through because I don't want to turn this way. Has anyone else gone through this? I can't tell whether they are mood swings or symptoms of conduct disorder, etc.
As for the symptoms of conduct disorder, I'll point out the ones that I believe I have.
Bullies, threatens, or intimidates others. I'm kind of iffy on this because I have had moments where I've bullied, threatened, or tried to intimidate others, especially when I feel threatened. Other than that, i try my best not to bully others because of the fact that I've been bullied for most of my life.
Has used a weapon that can cause harm. I have never attacked someone with a weapon, but I know a little bit on how to use a gun. I also believe that I could be capable of stabbing someone or biting, scratching, or punching them.
Has been physically cruel to people/animals. While I've been unable to attack people with weapons, I have pushed them. I also recall a few events where I slammed my little sister's head into the wall along with throwing a heavy book at her head on a different occasion. I also remember unintentionally killing baby birds when they were still in their eggs when I was younger (which I don't think counts). I have also had daydreams of torturing or killing people or even my dog at times though this doesn't happen too often. (Something that I want to note is that I believe that I feel this way at times because I think that I could pick up the ways that my parents tend to treat people when they occasionally talk behind peoples' backs or when my dad yells at and has intimidated with my dog with a taser and his belt.)
Has stolen. I have attempted to steal mood rings from a store a few years back along with stealing a child's toy at one of the previous houses that I lived in.
Has been traunt from school. I remember receiving many tardies a few years ago in my previous school along with avoiding a class by falling asleep in the bathroom (I still don't know if this was unintentional or intentional or a mix of both).
I don't know if I could have the symptoms of conduct disorder or something else because I find myself having a slight fear of being diagnosed with conduct disorder or similar disorders and I guess I did this out of fear or paranoia or something? I don't really know..