New here, pretty nervous about being honest.

Not sure where to begin. I have always been a huge liar, I lie basically to make myself look better because I feel as though I need people to think I am a great person. I crave acceptance and love when I feel as though people are impressed with me. I want people to think I'm richer, smarter, more educated, come from a better family, am much more confident and just plain better than I really am. I have destroyed countless friendships and relationships due to my lying.
I have told small lies and lots of HUGE lies such as telling people my Dad passed away or I was ill or pregnant or that my family was wealthy. I create these stories about how I'm a Daddy's girl and I am super close to my Dad when in reality none of my family will even speak to me anymore. I have gone to incredible lengths to cover up my lies spending a lot of money or even once I stole to make sure I didn't get caught in a lie.
I tell myself I am not going to lie anymore and the next guy I meet I will be completely honest with him but when I start to talk to him or anyone for that matter and a question gets asked such as where did you go to school, even just tell me more about yourself, the truth just doesn't come out. I'm a single mom, I'm attractive, I have a decent job, nice house, nice car and I am very independent but I always want people to think I am more than I really am instead of being proud of what I have accomplished. I feel as though if I tell people I'm not close to my family and spend Christmas etc alone and I didn't go to a major university and no I don't own my house, I rent it or I ruined my marriage because I lied to him about who I was or my car payment is so high because my credit is terrible they will look down on me or judge me.
My family was always very cold and judgmental with me growing up, I was never praised or told I was beautiful and rarely heard I love you. I know none of this is an excuse but I am so desperate for approval that I say whatever I need to get it. It's so selfish and I have hurt so many people. I don't even know who I told what to so my lies are constantly snowballing. I have a ton of friends and I am a very social fun person but it's all fake. No one really knows who I really am if they did, I would probably be completely alone which is my worst fear. I am always so needy in relationships because I am terrified the person I am with is going to stop caring about me or leave me. I have told so many lies out of desperation in a relationship just because I didn't want the person to leave. I will pull coll stories out of nowhere to randomly impress the person I am with so they will like me more or think I am cooler than other women.
I really want to be an honest person, deep down I know I am not a bad person. I am actually a really loving person but I am too insecure, too needy and a huge liar. I don't know how to stop. I don't have medical insurance so a Dr is out of the question. I have tried that before anyway and it didn't seem to work. If I just decided to come clean to everyone in my life about all of my lies I would have no one left. Can someone please help me by giving me any type of advice on how to start getting better? I don't know how to improve my self esteem or stop being desperately needy, so afraid of being abandoned, self loathing, so dishonest I want to get better!!

Hi, OpalPrincess! You could look for places that offer free therapy or therapy for a reduced price. You could also look for women's centers/shelters, maybe, as they might help you get counseling.
You don't have to tell your friends the truth right now. It's ok to be scared of being alone and it's understandable.
Self esteem comes from stuff that you know you're good at like your job, a hobby, a skill. It can also come from knowing that you've done something kind and helpful for other people or even animals. What do you think?

You're brave to come here and tell the truth about your life, so congratulations on that! It's a huge step.
You're not a bad person and don't tell yourself that- it sounds like you're just insecure about who you actually are, which describes most people.


Your intense fear of abandonment sounds like a result of your dreadful childhood experience- you want to feel loved and accepted and will go to great lengths to get there. But the longer you lie about who you are, the more you will fear and worry that they dont actually love you, because the person you've painted for them isn't actually you. My point is that as long as you keep lying its going to be hard for you to have a genuinely satisfying relationship because you'll know that you were dishonest, and there must be so much anxiety associated with keeping up a front. My advice is to let this be a turning point. Try to face who you actually are and understand that it's alright! You don't have to go around telling everyone that you've been lying about everything, but do your best to not build any more lies, and to avoid the ones that you've already told. Date new people, meet new friends, and be YOU. They WILL appreciate it.