Looking for Origins of My Lies

The origins of my lies.

This has been a very difficult week and a half for me. Three of our grown children are home to visit two years after I told them I had an affair and then lied about the details for a couple of months after. My husband decided he had always loved me and would provide the safety and love to help me let go of my problem. We are getting better with each other all the time but I cannot STOP lying to him, no matter how many times I promise and no matter how much I love him. I have these impulses that require me to lie nevertheless. I thought if I could create the roots of the trail that allow me to lie it would not only help me, but perhaps help you to find the route to your own lying.

First, there was the stress of the first week or so when my kids were home and not necessarily civil, talkative (they would not talk about anything personal to me or respond to any questions about their lives, which hurt like heck). I also felt self-conscious because of the havoc I have wrecked in their lives, and I felt they were critiquing my every move. In the span of one week, I told three types of lies and want to try to tell how they started. If I can isolate the feelings and temptations that cause me to lie, I am hoping that I can begin to recognize the triggers and stop them. The first was when I was talking to someone who runs a forum on Sexual Addiction because of the affairs I've had throughout my life. I did not know this person and didn't want to take up too much time. I told him I had slept with other men 12 times in my life, either while the other man was married or when I was married. Except for one man, they were all only once or maybe twice (minimalizing again, and being irrelevant since I shouldn't have done it at ALL. The number might as well have been 3,000 for all the damage I have caused in a marriage that should have NO affairs). This is something I feel I will never do again, because of the new found love I have with my husband, whom I have come to love with a passion and deep commitment. Yet, I did tell these lies.

The second lie was when my DH asked if I would have slept with the sociopath I spent five months having an emotional phone and email affair with before I went to his state to be with him for 3 evenings. He told me he left my airline itinerary in his pocket and that his wife found it. That was the end of that affair, except that I kept calling him to see how he was doing, even after I told my husband and family I had broken off all contact with him, which I eventually did after two months. I also told my DH and four grown children that I had loved him and had an affair. I had an affair with him for two years before I got married, but kept part of the flame alive. I was going through very hard times a few years ago and asked my DH if I could call this man who was the head of surgery and ask him about a long-term problem I had been having. I was given permission, but then continued the correspondence until it became romantic and sexual in nature. I later found out he was a total sociopath and played me every move over the entire time I knew him (about 40 years). So, now I am disgusted not only with myself for ruining my family, but for being with such a dishonorable man over a span of 40 years when I should have had NO OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE IN ANY WAY. I answered my DH that I would not have slept with him in our home town, which I believed when I said it the other day. But I obviously would have. I certainly had no trouble having sex once or twice a week for two years when I was in my early 20s. Lie number two. I came back to my DH a short time later and said I would have, given the opportunity. The fact that I said “no” as my first response really upset my DH, since he knew I was still very vulnerable. I realized he was correct and that I was still in grave danger from my lies.

The third lie was when my daughter (who REALLY distrusts and dislikes me) went to visit a mutual friend of ours who was like a second daughter to me. I had told this friend the basics of what I had done having an affair and the grief and losses I suffered, while causing even more grief and loss to my family. She was the only one who would even talk to me about what I had done and how I had ruined my family. She also knew that our kids were not really communicating with us. Sooooo, when my daughter went to visit her, I REALLY wanted to know if she talked about “my situation” and where she stood, since none of the kids will talk to me or my husband about it. I really wanted to call her and see if my daughter brought up the topic and what was said. She did not take her husband with her, so I thought it was a time she might bring up the topic. My husband also wanted to know what was said, but thought it was a better idea not to call. When he wasn't home, I felt the “URGE” to call and ask her after resisting for three days, even though we thought it wasn't a good idea. In the meantime, we had to put our dog down the night before and I was very upset. I used it as a excuse to call this gal to tell her about our dog. Then, I asked about what went on between her and our daughter. I had such a strong desire to know that I went against what my husband and I had agree upon to NOT do.

So, I think my chain of command goes something like this:
1.Impulse
2.Discomfort over impulse
3.Override impulse control for some “reason.”
4.Make the call.
5.Feel really bad about making the call (or could have been an email or sex for all I have done) and knowing I shouldn't have done it, breaking my commitment to myself and my DH.
6.Unbearable guilt and putting dirt into our marriage that I am trying to keep totally clean, while keeping myself clean from lies as well.
7.Since kids are here, some of the time somewhat normal, but most of the time very tense, this added to my own stress of trying to find out what is really going on with them and what they think or how they feel about the aftermath of my affair two years ago.
8.Knowing I had to tell my DH ASAP about my lie and my sickness.
What I ended up telling my husband was that she called me after I posted the news that our dog died and that we then talked about our daughter. There was absolutely no reason why I couldn't have said that I called her, except that I thought I was doing something I shouldn't have done. I did tell my husband the truth, however, because I made a promise to keep no private places from him. I knew this could be a huge lapse of trust that could be the end of everything. My husband knows I have this problem with lying and that it is often about “nothing.” He tries to help me ferret out why I do such things and explains that if I can't change this pattern for myself, to at least do it for him so that he can ease up and begin to trust me again and for us to have a completely loving and trusting marriage. I love my DH so dearly and will not risk losing him, so I HAVE to quit this bull. The only good news, which for me is actually humongous, is that I actually am able to admit my lies on the same day I tell it, and although it did not undo how bad I felt about lying, it was a monumental step for me to not keep a lie a secret. The secret part of our pact is stronger than my ability to stop lying, so at least I told him that I lied. I try to imagine being in my husband's shoes through every wrong I have done and, truthfully, I am not sure I have the strength or the character to stick in there, to still love, and to try to maintain our family as he does. I can't imagine somebody doing to me what I do to my husband. Every sentence I speak, no matter what the content, could be a lie at any time. I can't imagine listening to somebody and wondering if they are lying to me. My whole sense of reality would not only be fragmented from past affairs, but on a minute to minute basis, would have no idea whether what the person was saying was real. Why I possibly would construct a situation where nobody believes me or ever knows whether I am telling the truth is almost unfathomable and why I am trying to get at the roots of it. I am not only destroying my family, my husband, but myself. I seem absolutely willing (and have been for 40 years) to give up everything that means something to me, including my own sense of values and view of myself for totally meaning affairs and lies. If this is not an illness, then I don't know what is.

Again, I know many of you are struggling with exactly the same issue and the stakes are every bit as high. If I had to give a clinical diagnosis to the cause of my lying, I would have to say it meets all the criteria of an Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. OCD is an anxiety disorder, characterized by intrusive thoughts (“impulsive,” unwelcomed, involuntary ideas that are upsetting and difficult to manage or eliminate. While everyone has unwanted thoughts from time to time, the intrusive thoughts in OCD are almost impossible to ignore, force us to pay undue attention to them, and the thoughts become more frequent and distressing if I do nothing about them. OCD thoughts are filled anxiety provoking, irrepressible, and persistent. The only thing that gives me relief from obsessive thoughts is to carry out the compulsion. Carrying out the compulsion (phone call, email, contact, affair, lying, etc.) reduces the anxiety. Unfortunately, this makes the urge to perform the compulsion stronger each time, reinforcing the intrusive (impulsive) thought, which eggs me on to do it more, especially during times of stress. This exists in its own loop and does not seem to relate to reality or consequences. Thus, in some sick sense, every time I lie, it reinforces the habit of lying. It is a dreadful cycle that cause me no end of disgust and remorse. While I would prefer to not have OCD, my attempts at directly resisting it are mostly futile. I am going to try something slightly new, where I accept the thoughts since I cannot really suppress them, but try to stop myself from acting on them. Am I really so fragile, so infantile, so uncaring that I am unwilling to tolerate discomfort rather than pass that discomfort on to other people? I realize that for me, by engaging in the ritual or compulsion of lying, has the immediate effect of decreasing my anxiety and bad feelings. Now, however, I feel like s—t as soon as I've done it. I can't bear keeping the secret of my lie. I think this is a good thing that, hopefully, will eventually allow me to bypass the initial urge to act out. My strongest motivation is to keep my husband and to become a good wife to him that he can trust and respect.

It both amazes and distresses me that it is taking me 63 years to realize I am a compulsive liar and several more months to begin to dig into the roots of it. If I had been washing my hands 75 times a day, I think there is a reasonable chance I would have realized I have OCD. However, what I have realized. and recent research seems to corroborate, that 80% of OCD sufferers have intrusive thoughts.

I am going to try to refine the 7 aspects of pre-lying I mentioned in my post about my “tool kit” in order to help me identify when I am about to lie and stop it. Has anyone tried this? Do you have ways to STOP yourself before the lie leaves your mouth? I got as far as 15 clean days before I hit these three lies in one week. I was devastated by how weak I was in the face of what is at stake. I am astounded at how difficult it is to stop such self-defeating behavior. In many ways, my entire life has been self-defeating and I want OUT. I want to live a Godly life, filled with integrity, morality, and self-respect so that I can be with my husband as the wife he thought he married 36 years ago. If any of you can help me to stop the lie before it comes out of my mouth, I certainly would appreciate the advice or what you've tried, whether successful or not.

I should also say that I ignored the list of cue words I had for myself to stop, because they were on my computer, and I didn't want my kids to see the list, so I covered it up. Big mistake! Here are my cue words again to ponder to keep me from my lying: Privacy, Trust, Protect, Avoid, (what is there to) Gain, Look good, Eye contact, CHOICE. I am going to begin a new topic that has my daily status of trying to keep clean of all lies. I am back to day zero this morning.

I see so much of myself in this that I am having a hard time commenting right now. I think I have to process the information.
I just wanted to thank you for your post and hard work. I wish you the best.