Is my friend a compulsive liar, or...?

Hi,
I'm new to the forum, and welcome. I come here today seeking help. It concerns a friend of mine who I've known for many years. I noticed right away, meeting him that he has a tendency to "spin yarns." He would often take incidents that had a kernel of truth (for example meeting a celebrity at an autograph signing or meet and greet) and spin it to imply that my friend and the celebrity were now "best of pals!" You kind of learn to take what he says with a grain of salt, because 95 percent of the time he was funny, charming, conscientious, and an overall good person (otherwise I probably wouldn't be inclined to figure out how to help him!) One particular incident occurred where he actual did meet in a highly public incident (one I couldn't give away, or it would compromise his identity) and after that, things got kind of wild from then on. It's like it unbalanced him. He began to dress EXACTLY like a certain celebrity. I'm not talking a hat, a coat, but EXACTLY, to a t, imitating the look of this person, to the same strategic rips on the jeans (same leg), same exact t-shirt, color, logo, hair dyed exactly the same, the works. He's switched "identities" a few times over the years, but people will literally stop him in the street laughing, and he takes it as a compliment when they joke around with him, wanting pictures. Well, the guy is an alcoholic, and pretty much drinks every day. He worries about the rent the day it's due. He has a long line (a dozen or more) ex roommates who all hate him, who he's ripped off. I got in a pinch one time, and moved in with him, and he would take my 1/2 of the rent, drink it away, and tell the landlord, and people in our immediate social circle that it was me who wasn't paying the rent! It was like he would transfer his faults on to others, and eerily seems to actually believe his own lies! I solved this by paying the landlord my 1/2 direct, and his lies about me increased, and he got more and more angry, the more I countered his deceitful practices, pulling crazy pranks. Needless to say, I moved out, but remained in touch with him. I know many of you are like, why do you stay in contact, but seriously, he's a great person other than this one glitch! In closing on this topic, he's NEVER wrong - I have NEVER heard this guy once lament, and say he should have handled something differently. He seems to invent reality to suit his own mental stability. Over the years we've remained in touch, and now it's finally gone too far. I could go on and on, and on about the lies he's told over the years, he's gotten worse and worse with age, but the capper, is that he's currently claiming to be a relationship with a celebrity who is one of the top earners in the country! He straightfaced tells people that she's given him and expense account, yet the next minute he will be crying over bills, debts, etc. He'll get drunk, and claim other celebrities are calling to console him! I KNOW it isn't true, it just isn't, but he is amazingly convincing, and oddly finds a flock of drinking buddies who will "go along with it." I'm guilty of this in the past, but now it's gone too far. The guy's life is crashing around him, in a divorce, someone's conning him out of money (long story). Age is catching up with him, and it seems like he snaps into fantasy, to avoid reality. What can I do to help? Any hints to him, that he's lying, are met with rage, and him telling lies about the person confronting him, generally transferring his characteristics on to YOU! If anyone's read this far, I thank you for your concern!

Thanks,
A well intentioned friend.

Hi,

This both makes me angry and sad. I mean, I'm angry that he has continualy lied about things and seems to have little respect for his 'friends'. However, I feel sad because - like everything - there are reasons for people behaving the way they are. In his case, things might have happened years ago that have resulted in him feeling the need to lie, and other things might have then compounded this by turning him into a person who never learns from his mistakes. Now, his life seems to be crumbling and the big question is: Will he now finally learn and change his ways?

On your behalf, you don't owe him anything. You have given him enough in both the material and mental sense and he has not appreciated it. What more can you give with confidence that he will appreciate it? You have the option right now to just move on and eliminate him from your life. Are you going to do that? Ironically, it might be better for him if you go, along with everyone else from his past. A Completely new life is what he needs. As a few 'finals', you should encourage him to get professional help. He most likely will need it, unfortunately.

Kevin

Thanks for the advice Chucky,
As much as other people who know him encourage me to "be the one" and "tell him like it is," I've noticed that they aren't willing to be the one to do it! They don't want to have to endure what is happening to me now, where this so called friend of mine is calling people from the past, making up lies about me in order to "cover" for what I'm sure would be the ultimate humiliation for him, to be exposed. To have it revealed that the excessive calls this middle aged man receives from his fictitious multi-millionaire rock star girl friend in her early 20's originate from an Iphone application, where one can have your own phone "call yourself" and have the caller ID look like anyone! How sad it is to see him giggle [after first ducking away conveniently before the "phone call" to start the Iphone application] proudly showing you the caller ID where the aformentioned rock star's name appears on the screen! Then he'll "talk" to her in the warmest, most loving way - in a way even Romeo and Juliet wouldn't talk like on their honeymoon! When I pushed the issue to meet her, or at least say hi when "she called..." he freaked, accused me of all kinds of things to put up a smoke screen around the real issue. You are right, I owe this idiot NOTHING, but I do have a conscience. I've know this person off and on for decades, he has gone to bat for me here there there when I've been down on my own luck, and it's very sad to me that no one has ever stood ground with him, and called him on his b.s. If I do though, god knows what kind of retaliation I'll have to deal with, so it's probably not worth it. I figured if I had a rock solid DSM style "diagnosis" for this kind of behavior, I could point him that way as a farewell present. Like I said, I think the guy has much potential, but is grounded due to some undiagnosed mental glitch. Any suggestions from anyone, keep 'em coming, and thanks!

Hi,

I'll just make a quick reply because I know you want others' opinions: Basically, it's not the case where anyone has to tell him 'we don't want to be your friend anymore'. All you must do is get on with your own lives and leave him where he is. Why do you think you need to tell him anything? Has he given you that amount of respect ever? Just move on with things as best you can. Im sure he'd have no problem moving on from you if you were in a bad situation.

You should direct him to this website... ...maybe..?

Kevin

If I knew your postal address I'd send you a T-shirt saying "Kick Me". You need this guy like you need heart disease. For myself, I believe that if someone screws me, he's practicing for the second time -- so I drop him and cultivate friends I can trust.

The first question for you to answer for yourself is: What do you get out of this relationship? Perhaps acceptance? Excitement? A feeling of superiority? Whatever the attraction is, it's putting you at risk. Once you figure out what you're getting from this guy, you'll have an easier time breaking free.

Evict him from your life. Don't engage further. You're wasting your time if you try to steer him in the right direction. His life pattern has a far stronger hold on him than you can break. Don't let him make you feel guilty. That's manipulation on his part.

To cut loose, I'd suggest you simply not call him and stop taking or returning his calls. He'll get the message. Almost certainly, others have done this before.

What do I "get out" of this person? Well, when he's in one of his normal states - he's a great musician, good conversationalist, who we share many mutual interests, films, bands, etc. Oddly, when being "normal" he's pretty intuitive toward others, with a sincere interest in what others are up to. He makes friends very easily. I will admit it's largely a "drinking buddy" scenario, though. It's just when "things get weird," and he veers off into his little world of fantasy, that things get squirrly. It's like you have to "play along" when he snaps into his fantasy world, and if you even "hint" that he's full of it, he'll start attacking you verbally! It is a true mental disorder, one that if he was able to kick, I think the guy would have potential. You're probably all right, I should just let him flounder, but with all the history, and since I am a true friend, and have a conscience, I'd like to find out if there's a diagnosis for this behavior.

Ah... ...the positives come out (about your friend). Look, if you can set up a mental block to him in the future, then you might still be able to remain in touch. What this would entail is ignoring all of his nonsense lies and such. Im sure he doesn't always speak nonsense, and there should be times when a good conversation can be had too, right? However, along with this mental block that you must hold up to him, you must also be very firm and authoritative such that he never screws you over regarding money or anything else again.

If you can do both of these things and never go back on your word - or feel guilty for being harsh to him - then maybe you can help him. If you don't think that you can do these things, then just get on with your own life.

Kevin

Oh trust me, I'd never room with him, give him any money unless I never expect to see it again, etc. etc. I know that from the first time. Hell, I knew it before I roomed with him years ago, but I was in a tight spot, and he helped me out with a room, which I appreciate. I didn't appreciate him drinking away my 1/2 of the rent, and telling all his friends it was me doing that, ha! There's really no issue, other than this guy is claiming he's best of friends with perhaps 2 of the biggest rock stars in the world, and that he is in a serious relationship with a female singer who is a multi-millionaire herself, though not too well known in the states. He picked her, because she does discuss her romantic life and it's impossible to disprove his line of crap. He has seriously lost it! To quote another friend, he is "GONE!" I don't think the guy is sitting around talking to himself like Norman Bates (I hope not anyway) pretending to hold court to the rock 'n' roll hall of fame every night in this tiny studio apartment - but he is compulsively lying about these people! I guess the only question is, should I write the "real friend" letter, tell him I know "his girlfriend" isn't real? Almost 20 years of history with this person, it's hard to just say "go ____ yourself" as much as I'd like to! But like I said, judging from his past behavior, he'll get desperate to cover for himself, and just make up more and more elaborate lies about me to cover his own b.s. Since I'm aspiring in an industry based on networking and contacts, I can't really afford to have this idiot bashing me on the web, etc, or even be associated with him period - so I guess I'm answering my own question. If he ever comes around, which I doubt will happen soon, I guess I could just say "hey man, I know ____ isn't real! I know, and I will not debate this! You're cool any other time you aren't mentioning this celebrity crap! So save it for the suckers, and if you don't like it, ____ off!" Yes, I think I answered it, but thanks for the help! As always, if this "imaginary friend" thing has a diagnosis, Im curious. Thanks.

Which rock stars does he claim to be friends with, by the way? You do'nt have to tell if you don't want to. Also, I appreciate that it's difficult to just pack up and forget about him after 20 years. I'm only 27 and couldn't even do that to a guy I've only know for 2 years (who annoys the hell out of me). Something makes us want to help them as much as we can. Have you ever sat down with this guy and stated - frankly and firmly - that you know he's lying about many things?

Kevin

As much as I'd love to, if I say which rock stars, that would blow his cover. I'll give you a hint though, 2 are from England, one male, one female (that's he's "dating," ha!) Another one, comes from your neck of the woods, Ireland - so that pretty much narrows it down, because this particular guy is simply Ireland's biggest rock star! I've never flat out told him he's lying, hoping he'd grow out of it, etc. He got a little more normal when he got married, but now that he's getting divorced, his delusions are back like gangbusters - worse than before. Whether I'll ever confront him, is what I'm debating now.