I lost him.. Adrift

This might be a tedious read.. But I really do need help. So please bear through it if you can. I am a compulsive liar and have been one since approximately the age of ten or eleven. I have failed at every attempted relationship--pushed away everyone I’ve loved and cared for with my deception. I know that I need to change; I have to change or die… and I’m too much of a coward to kill myself.. However pleasing the suicidal thoughts may be.. In the past I’ve lied so much and to such a grandiose scale- everything from meeting the Backstreet Boys (in my early teens) to lung cancer and beyond. My entire life has been a sham and absolutely no one knows who I really am, perhaps not even me.. Most recently, I have earnestly tried to kill myself because I have reached the bottom floor. I lied horrendously to the one person who still loves me or I should say.. loved me.. I faked my own kidnapping- through a string of letters- and he contacted the FBI and he and his entire family were worried sick. Eventually he figured out that it was a lie.. That everything I had told him to date.. Since the beginning of our intimate friendship (since nearly four years ago) were all lies. So, now, as is his only remaining rational choice, he won’t believe a word I say; and yet he still wants to talk to me and stay in contact. I don’t have the courage to talk to him now.. I don’t want to put him through anymore pain. I am a compulsive liar and I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. The lies told to John (that’s his name) started from the place I was born to where I want to go in life. How can I ever speak to him again? I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Hi,

Whilst admitting to John about all of the lies now might be too much, it is imperative that you set new rules in your own life. One rule obviously is to never lie again. You have to take responsibility for everything you do, and lying is never the good way forward. At school, people said that I was too honest for my own good (I would own up immediately if I did something wrong to the teacher), but I did'nt understand what good lying can do.

If you can be honest with yourself - and be proud of who you are - then lying shouldn't be needed. Are you proud of who you are? Do you lie because you aren't proud?

Kevin

No.. I am not at all proud of myself.. I lie for no reason at all.. I live in India and have exiled myself here three and a half years ago because I thought coming to a new place would facilitate my change and my discovery of who I truly am.. I am in Dental School and it feels like utter hell.. I live in a village, where the college is located and English is seldom spoken here.. so I have succeded in lying less due to the fact that I speak to hardly anyone.. John and I have known each other since high school and we got very close right before my departure to India.. I let telling him a lie-- that I was gooing to become a model and much later through my blog which no one was supposed to read and much less find-- he realzed the truth of my disapperance.. then I re-initiated communication with him and our friendship grew and evolved.. Then I lied to him a second time.. I told him that I was returning to Texas.. where in reality I was still embedded in the apathy of India.. He found out later about both the lies (my departure lie and my returning to Texas lie) through my blog.. but he forgave me.. completely.. and we continued talking through the phone and e-mails and such.. And then I "disappeared" again.. which is in essence- I stopped calling him and changed my phone number and stopped checking my mail.. After about six months, I called him and he asked what had happened.. and so I began yet another lie.. of money, being a millionaire and my arrranged marriage.. He wanted to marry me.. to save me.. and I couldn't do that to him.. so I disappeared again after some more lies.. and of course the last lie I told him/will ever tell him again.. you know about-- my false kidnapping through letters.. After which he contacted the FBI and such.. I don't know what all else he had done in efforts to rescue me.. but he loved me.. and now he for certain hates me and I can blame only myself for that.. I am not proud of myself.. I hate myself.. I want to die.. I can't do this anymore.. I hate living here.. in India.. I hate what I've become.. there is no purpose for me..

I forgot to thank you.. Thank you for your kindness and insight.

No problem - I got your PM and replied.

Kevin