Im in such a mess, Its over!

I cant remember a time that a lie wasnt involved in a sentence coming out of my mouth.

I was badly bullied at school and treid to kill myself a few times, At one point i had a gun and was going to kill them too, But didnt an im still here as you can tell.

since being bullied i have lied about everything, I think it was in fear of it happening again, Make up stuff to look good... Become a different person etc...

But now, 15 years later with a great partner and a son who is now 6, Im still lying.
Im not to be relied on either, I just cant cope with knowing i could let people down, Which leads me to letting them down anyway.

I have been in and out of work since school, Dont have a trade so its just a mix of everything and everything, But i also have huge gaps of no work at all, And thats where the problems begin....

As you know i have a family and i know that my role in this is to provide a secure life, With our finances and protection etc for my family.
Instead, Im lying that im working when im not, Selling anything i can to make a wage that i didnt get.... Then get found out everytime... And when this happens i feel a huge weight lifted of my shoulders.
And then do it again..

I started work for a firm just 3 weeks ago, It was that bad i lasted 4 full days, Didnt go back on the 5th, My partner thinks im still there, I say that but she is asking for proof (Pics on the phone or call from my office etc) and everyday im coming up with more lies as to why i didnt bring that proof home.
Im sat at home everyday trying to get another job... My mobile is now cutoff as the bill wasnt paid and cant use the landline.
The main reason i cant use it is that it rings every 30 mins or so.... and its her!!
Why? ... she knows, Cant yet prove it but does know.

I have put her through so much that i just want to end it all, But cant just leave my lad and not see him again, But then thats selfish.... Why would he want to see me, If he understood... would he want to?
Realising that everytime he saw his mum crying, Was down to me.

She is not the best person to breake bad news to, She wont talk for days and if she does its to let me know how i have done this yet again, Let her and my son down again... and she is right.

I just dont know what to do anymore, Yes i can seek help and get it sorted... I hope.
But thats not going to keep my family, Its not going to sve anything i have right now.... so i dont see the point!

It sounds like im giving up... And i am in a way
I have not felt like this since the bullying, But i actually just dont want to be alive anymore.

dontletmegetme,my name is John Carpenter and i also have a lying problem.I lost my wife over my problem.I thought about giving up on everything but in the end,the best solution i came up with was to to prove to my wife and to myself that i can be an honest person.Ive been reading a few books that i will list for you that have really changed my aspect on my own life.Your family would rather have you(no matter how bad things get)than to not have you at all.Go find a job,no matter how bad it is try and stick with it.If you dont like it,find one you do like before you just quit.Get something that will atleast pay the bills.Things will get better if you honestly want them to.It takes alot of time and effort but it will pay off in the end because you will be a happy man.

Books im reading:

The Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns

Tell Me No Lies:How to face the truth and build a loving marriage by Ellyn Bader

Tell Me No Lies:How to stop lying to your partner-and yourself-in the 4 stages of marriage by Ellyn Bader

Don't give up man, keep fighting this. I know you can make it. The fact that you bothered posting all that shows that you are willing to get the help you need and keep pushing through.

Your son will love you no matter what, man. I have a dad and he does stupid things at times and no matter what I would still have him around making those mistakes than to not have him at all. Trust me, stay in the game and when your son learns how hard it is for you and the fact that you're still able to push through, he'll respect you all the more for it.

If you lose your wife, that doesn't mean you lose him. You'll always have a place in his heart -- trust me. As far as the wife goes, she may leave you or she may stay with you. If she leaves you, look at it as a chance to learn from your mistakes and start over, harnessing all the knowledge you've learned in the past. Sometimes all it takes is a second try to get things up and running smoothly.

If she leaves you over something you seriously have a hard time controlling, she wasn't meant for you in the first place. You will find someone more understanding who can be there for you and help you through this no matter how hard it gets. That's the person you were meant to be with.

As far as what to do at this point, a good start would be to sit down with BOTH your son and your wife and tell them the 100% truth on everything. It may be tempting to change things in the story of what happened to give yourself more cover, but you won't feel entirely free until you tell them the full truth and nothing but the truth. Know that what your wife may decide to do at this point is up to her, but you have to suffer the consequences of your past mistakes to fully learn a lesson. If she chooses to stay with you, she's a wonderful wife and she's the one you were meant to be with. After it's all out in the open, get professional help to train you to not lie. It will take lots of time and effort, but your life depends on it.

In order to start climbing out of the grave you dug yourself into, you first must stop digging.

I'll be here for you no matter what, man. Let me know if you need anything. Feel free to add me on msn if you wish to discuss this further.

darxide88 at hotmail.com