Help

I am just coming to terms with being a compulsive liar. I am 27 years old and I know in the past I have lied to my parents (The usual stuff, about having a bf, where im going etc) However, since Ive been with my partner of 3 years he has told me I lie, and we have had countless arguments and breakups. Now we are co-parenting and he is brutal to me in behaviour because he says Ive destroyed his life with LIES, when all he ever asked for was Honesty. But I don't think I am lying not all the time. I am trying to be truthful but when he looks at me with those enraged eyes I just feel angry and hurt so dont think clearly. Then bleh all this crap comes out, then when I feel I am being honest he just shakes his hands at me. So I doubt whether I am even telling the truth or lying. I honestly have no clue.

He told me at the start of the relationship that all he cared about was honesty. You need that to trust in a relationship. I totally agreed with him. I believed myself a truth seeker and was pretty honest with people. But soon I learnt the extent of his hate for lies.I was living in London, and one romantic evening with him we agreed Id move up to be with him. What I didnt expect was him to think Id leave the next week to be with him. I was working, and although I didnt have a contract, I felt a responsibility to the people I was working with. He did not understand this, and told me I was lying. I then panicked and lied to everyone to just elope with him. My mum thought I was living in an apartment doing some pre teaching courses (I was doing evening home courses for teaching) and friends were happy that Id found someone and being all romantic.

It was amazing obviously at first. New love, so romantic. Then I found out I was pregnant. My world fell apart. I believe a child should be brought into the world and couldnt bring myself to terminate the pregnancy. So having been together officially for what 4 months we were not going to have a baby. We were on benefits, living in a house share and just not prepared. Then family and friends got involved, some happy and supportive and others not. My poor mum tried to sound happy but i could hear the disappointment in her voice.(Everyone I know and love are about hours away from me so i was totally alone) I started telling a few small lies, then bigger ones. BAsically I was depressed about being pregnant, I felt my whole life was over. I wanted to travel and live a bit more. *Biggest lie ever* over the course of the pregnancy we argued, I lied, I lost friends and family who were just trying to tell me the truth. At this point I knew I was lying about some things, keeping some secrets about how i felt and if he asked me I wouldnt tell him the truth. I was aware of my lies.

Giving birth brought an end to those lies for a while. I felt in control. We were closer than ever. I was so happy. My baby was perfect. Everything seemed okay. But then My mum just destroyed everything, she couldnt be happy for me. So then my partner says 'fine, she wont see the baby. Dont let her know anything or send her pics. She doesnt deserve it'. If she apologises for her behaviour and comes to terms with us then she can but until then, No.' - wow. So here I was 26 years old, my mum the only family left in the world (dad died in 2013 from cancer) We were so close and now I was asked to not share the most important thing to ever happen to me. On top of that I am adopted, I have been with them for the past 20 years. SO we have been through so much just to get the relationship we have today.

I couldnt do it, so I was secretly talking to my mum behind his back and because I am a useless liar he found out. We argued about it, but then he kept telling me I was lying when I thought i was telling the truth. I felt like he was putting words in my mouth and twisting everything I was saying for a darker purpose. I didnt feel resentment or anything. But now 3 years later. I do. I hate it when he gets all self righteous. He says he can tell when people are lying, and says I lie all the time that I am a compulsive liar. I am struggling with this, still as you can tell. But I am so uncertain of myself now that I dont even know if i am lying or telling the truth. I know my emotions are basic so they just say 'leave him', 'go back to the simple life where you didnt feel the need to lie', ' protect yourself.

He has been such a support to me, trying to help me deal with my issues, he has told me countless times I am lying and brings up solutions and none of them work. Now we are not in a relationship, we are just parents. I am staying strong for my little girl who is thank god young enough to have no clue what is happening. But he tells me I am not showing I am sorry. Not sure what he wants me to do, hang myself? Cut myself? Commit suicide? I think he just wants to see me a complete wreck before believe I am actually trying to be a better person.

I literally only lie to him, and now he hates me. He loves me but he hates me for loving me if that makes sense. I cant do anything right in his eyes I just I am at a loss now and need help to deal with who I am. Cause I dont trust him, or respect him so I cant tell if I am a compulsive liar or I am just not in love with him anymore and cant deal with it, so lying about the deeper stuff.

I am going to go the Drs on Monday and try see someone but that could take months/years even as the waiting lists are so long. I cant afford to see a private therapist. So if anyone can help me understand or has any techniques I would be so grateful. Thank you x

Welcome PandaLissy ,

I think your partner is the one with issues .

PandaLissy wrote:But I don't think I am lying not all the time. I am trying to be truthful but when he looks at me with those enraged eyes I just feel angry and hurt so dont think clearly. Then bleh all this crap comes out, then when I feel I am being honest he just shakes his hands at me. So I doubt whether I am even telling the truth or lying. I honestly have no clue.

That is called gaslighting and it is a tactic used to keep the victim confused and doubting their own sanity . It is a power play . So is cutting off contact with everyone the victim is close to . It's all about control .

I'm sorry , but I think you have a bigger problem than lying . My advice is to get away from this relationship as quickly and cleanly as possible . I understand that you have a child together and that he has rights as the father , but if he is doing this to you now , what kind of poison is he going to feed your child about you in the future ? It's like he wants to "catch " you in lies so he can hammer home how badly you're disappointing him . If you aren't actually lying about something , he's trying to make you think you are .

PandaLissy wrote:one romantic evening with him we agreed Id move up to be with him. What I didnt expect was him to think Id leave the next week to be with him. I was working, and although I didnt have a contract, I felt a responsibility to the people I was working with. He did not understand this, and told me I was lying.

He didn't tell you anything about when he expected this to happen , then when you didn't live up to his unspoken expectations , you were "lying" ???

This is NOT normal behavior . He is working full time to break down your self-esteem and confidence and chances are good that he will dump you once the job is done and blame you for what he made you into . Please find someone you trust who will support you and do not let yourself be alone with this man if at all possible . You owe it to yourself and your child . Even if you have a compulsion to lie , you are with a person who will do nothing but tear you down because of it .

You deserve better . Hugs , if you want them .