I'm gonna give this a shot...

I've never posted like this before, I've never really known how to trust someone before, and I think that has a lot to do with my prior inability to let others trust in me. I never had that person in my life that always told me the truth, was always there, so I never understood the importance of being honest, especially with those you care about. I didn't think there was much of anything wrong with fibbing, in hindsight I'm furious at myself, and somewhat disappointed, I think not having the proper values instilled in me growing up had a lot to do with it. When you grow up with someone that lies, is manipulative, compulsive, and a drug addict, it shapes you because that person is your role model, you don't want to see them in a negative light, so you accept their negative behaviors, and try to rationalize those behaviors to yourself in a positive way. After a while of justifying this behavior to yourself and others, you start thinking it's ok for yourself to act this way.

I hate that it had to come to this, destroying someone's love for me by my own selfless actions to realize this. I had never met a person that made me want to be better, to do better, to be honest. It's strange that I've lived to be 24, and never had that connection with someone before, I was only ever lied to, or used, stolen from, and I had it all happen to me so many times that I thought it was acceptable to lie, and steal, and just walk all over someone that invited me into their life, to be with them, my reckless behaviors ruined it all. I'm trying to put myself in this persons shoes, to see how my behaviors and actions really have hurt them, and to have a better understanding of why.

I don't mean this to be a confessional, I'm just still dealing with a lot of things related to this. I feel kind of absurd even saying this, as if it's some sort of accomplishment because it's not, but, I haven't lied in almost two weeks, I've been doing my best to be honest about everything, slowing down before I say things to reevaluate them in my head before stating them, for fear of just saying a remark that's not true. I don't feel the urge to, it's not like any addiction I've experienced before, it's a learned behavior, so it has to be able to be unlearned. I'm doing well so far, I think so at least, but how do I continue doing it without any problems? I know I can do this, as I've gotten this far with being honest, and it's not like I feel a sudden crave to lie or anything, lol...it just seems to happen when I feel cornered, or I'll exaggerate here and there, I know everyone exaggerates but I think I do it excessively, and it is still being dishonest.

It's so weird that it has taken my feelings for someone else, and my guilt over hurting them to make me realize I want to be a better person, and this has to change, for good in order for me to continue to stay on that route. I don't know anyone else I can just go talk to about this, so I'm posting it here. Any advice is welcome.

It seems that I'm just self destructive. I don't know what else to do, I try so hard, I get hurt and I lash out, and lose purpose of my word. I said I wouldn't get back on dating apps after we had a big blow out fight, and I did it out of anger and frustration. I've since deleted them, and I am not going to get on them again, but damn....I should have never done it in the first place. I really fault myself for ruining the best thing that's ever happened to me, it really sucks.