Compulsive lying has ruined my relationship and I need help

I have recently come to accept that I am a compulsive liar. It has utterly destroyed my relationship and made me miserable and lonely. I lie about stupid stuff, I constantly mitigate and don't take responsibility. I do these things without even thinking. I refrain from telling my girlfriend my true feelings about things; another form of lying. She has specifically told me she can't be with someone who is like that and I keep saying I'm going to change and in those moments I truly believe it but still I have not changed.

I am very self-obsessed and have little doubt I would be diagnosed with some level of narcissistic personality disorder. I am very impulsive and find it extremely difficult to do anything that I don't really want to do. I believe that it comes from poor parenting. My father is also a compulsive liar and I'm starting to think my mother is to some degree as well. Certainly my mother is extremely irresponsible and mitigating. She also cannot stand confrontation. They separated when I was around 11 and then I was largely left to myself. I needed structure and parenting and I didn't really get it. Now I am 25 and I am struggling to function in the real world; I have a terrible time with even mild confrontation or disagreements, they fill me with great anxiety.

I have begun thinking more and more about the years of pain and suffering I put on my girlfriend. I cannot fathom the pain. When I feel even a fraction of the pain she feels I crumble emotionally. My defense mechanism is often disassociation. I sometimes feel numb and sociopathic.

I know, from much talking with my GF that inside all I want are my parents. I desperately want someone to guide me through life and give me the help I never got. It makes me hate my parents for leaving me alone so much.

I don't want to be this way anymore, but I am struggling to really affect change. Particularly with the compulsive lying; I do it so impulsively I struggle to catch myself before it happens. Even worse, I believe my own lies very easily.

I don't feel like I have anyone in my life I can really reach out to. My friends and family are very narcissistic. My girlfriend is so traumatized by the years of disingenuousness I don't know if we'll ever be able to rebuild things. If love is a verb then I don't seem to really love anyone other than myself most of the time, my actions are almost always self serving. I do nice things for people, but never really if it's hard for me.

I believe that meditation will help me considerably from everything I've read and studied. I need to do it every single day but I struggle to do so and so far am lucky if I do it 2-3 times a week. Has anyone else used meditation to help with impulse control and lying? Has anyone here had real success with turning around a narcissistic, disingenuous life?

I believe that meditation will help me considerably from everything I've read and studied. I need to do it every single day but I struggle to do so and so far am lucky if I do it 2-3 times a week. Has anyone else used meditation to help with impulse control and lying? Has anyone here had real success with turning around a narcissistic, disingenuous life?

You don't need to meditate in any particular way, there is no sure way to succes in meditation, it's not a cure for anything, meditation has no purpose, it is the purpose ...yeah sit on that for a while If you practice meditation with a goal in mind (less impulsive, less narcissitic etc) it won't work, because your desire to reach that goal will create frustration and anxiety for not reaching it soon enough, I don't have to explain to you why anxiety and meditation don't mix. In short meditation is about acceptance, of yourself and your circumstances whatever they may be, that's it. You said you've accepted that you're a compulsive liar, so why are you not happy with being a liar ?. I think you mean you understand and are aware of this trait of yours, that's different, but it's just the first step toward true acceptance. Meditation can help but not in the way you might imagine, as in stop you from lying, it can make you much more aware of this behaviour and in this way give you a conscious choice.