My "friend's" pathological lying has torn us apart

Hello
My best friend of 6 years has become the worst pathological liar I've ever seen. Every single time I talk to him or see him AT LEAST one lie is said. The worst ones are when he flat out says to my face that I did something which I never did, and then tries to make me believe that I did it! The sad thing is beside me he only has one other friend he sees in real life, all of his other friends are mostly girls over the internet who he whines and cries to that he can never get a girlfriend. Gee, I wonder why?! He calls himself a sociopath who can manipulate anyone and anything to get his way. This past week I've been seriously debating whether he is worth my time anymore. While we've had good and bad times together I know there is absolutely nothing I can say to him that can change him, he has been this way his whole life. Any advice on letting him go? I'm afraid this will harm him more than me, because he has been suicidal before.
Thanks in advance.

Hi Zzztop,
I wonder if your friend is a pathological liar or a lying addict. He sounds like he could be the former but may also be the latter. It would depend upon how much personal gain he gets from his lies. To help you differentiate, here's my definitions of both...

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.”

However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.” So, “LYING ADDICTION” is “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

In relation to letting him go, you are not responsible for this man's life and must do what is right for you. Only you know what that is but you cannot be held hostage to the possibility of suicide. This man is responsible for himself. He is an adult and if he is a pathological liar, is simply experiencing the consequences of his "sociopathic choices" should you choose to end the friendship. Only when and if a person experiences the consequences of their choices will they reach a place where they can decide on changing or not.

"Gaslighting" which is where a pathological liar or lying addict tells you it is you who is seeing or hearing things wrong is a typical protection tactic as is allowing loved ones to feel like it is them who are going mentally ill as a result. Refuse from this moment on to not be caught in that web anymore. If you know the sky is blue and not brown in a situation call it.

As to how to end it... simply speak or write your truth to your "friend" (and do it lovingly and not with derision) and if you make the decision to end the friendship STICK BY IT unless or until he changes and embraces recovery and change. BOUNDARIES ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH in situations where a person is removing themselves from a person who lies. They are also essential for your "friend" to know that there are consequences to his choices and that losing you is one of them.

Good Luck,
Billi Caine

Billi Caine wrote:Hi Zzztop,
I wonder if your friend is a pathological liar or a lying addict. He sounds like he could be the former but may also be the latter. It would depend upon how much personal gain he gets from his lies. To help you differentiate, here's my definitions of both...

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.”

However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.” So, “LYING ADDICTION” is “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

In relation to letting him go, you are not responsible for this man's life and must do what is right for you. Only you know what that is but you cannot be held hostage to the possibility of suicide. This man is responsible for himself. He is an adult and if he is a pathological liar, is simply experiencing the consequences of his "sociopathic choices" should you choose to end the friendship. Only when and if a person experiences the consequences of their choices will they reach a place where they can decide on changing or not.

"Gaslighting" which is where a pathological liar or lying addict tells you it is you who is seeing or hearing things wrong is a typical protection tactic as is allowing loved ones to feel like it is them who are going mentally ill as a result. Refuse from this moment on to not be caught in that web anymore. If you know the sky is blue and not brown in a situation call it.

As to how to end it... simply speak or write your truth to your "friend" (and do it lovingly and not with derision) and if you make the decision to end the friendship STICK BY IT unless or until he changes and embraces recovery and change. BOUNDARIES ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH in situations where a person is removing themselves from a person who lies. They are also essential for your "friend" to know that there are consequences to his choices and that losing you is one of them.

Good Luck,
Billi Caine

Thanks for the reply.
I now believe, based on your descriptions, that he is a compulsive liar as he gains absolutely nothing from his lies. Then again maybe he gains a mental superiority, however they are petty and monotonous. I am aware of almost every instance of him lying. I also notice how defensive he gets when I call him out on it and will NEVER admit that he lied. His lies are usually based on one-upping me, they are usually distortions of historical, chronological, or literal truths. It's almost like he's looking for an argument. It also stems from jealously as there have been 2 instances where we have both had feelings for the same girl, and he will go on talking crap behind my back and lying. I decided a long time ago I would not involve him with my other friends as I don't want them to be manipulated or annoyed by him and recently I've added women I fancy to that list. Letting him go will be difficult because he knows how to reel me right back in, we're usually on bad terms for a few days to a week then all is forgotten. However, we've gone up to 8 months without speaking when he ratted me out for something which I won't get into. The saddest part is I've become so used to his lying that I've felt it easy to lie right back. It really is a shame....

I hear you. It is sad all round.

I really need you to understand the psyche of your friend though because if he is a compulsive liar/ lying addict then he is not trying to pick fights or the "bad guy" in the traditional sense. Trust me when I say that he is suffering way more than you in that he has to live with the BS he says. Anyway, to help you understand him more, here are 2 posts I wrote which explain why lying addicts lie and what it is like living with a lying addiction day in day out. It is not pretty...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic129187.html

At the end of the day though, if he is not yet ready to embrace recovery and change, you have to do what is right for you else you will become sicker yourself mentally as a result. Lying addiction is crazy making - for everyone all round...