Compulsive Liar+Alcoholic

My Husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. I was smitten at first, and saw warning signs from the beginning, but I was young and unaware, and within a few months I was pregnant with our first son. I began to realize early on that he lied about everything, whether it be if he took out the trash or not, to where he was at or what he was doing. As our relationship went on, his dependence of alcohol became, stronger, but because I refused to allow him to drink, he snuck around making up extravagant lies about where he was when I questioned him. We opened a landscaping business together, and that was his initial way to be able to drink (and occasionally do drugs) during the time that I thought he was working. Now three years after we started our business, he has been fired from every single contract and we are done with the business altogether.

What began happening very shortly after our son was born was that he would literally begin to disappear overnight or for multiple days and go on benders. When he was doing it at the beginning, I was sick, had panic attacks, throwing up, calling his phone 100 times. There were several times that he would drain our bank account completely and leave me without a car and without a way to get to the store to get our now two kids milk or diapers. This happened almost once a month, but the lying and decieving happened all day, every day.

I have threatened him so many times to kick him out or divorce him I cant even count. Unfortunately both him and I know that these threats are empty threats because not once have I ever kicked him out and made him hit rock bottom, because me, as a caring person, do not want to see him crash and burn, which is exactly what I know would happen. I decided to make him get a real full time job, which he did. He does well at work, however, since he has been working, he has felt this sense of entitlement, that since he works and provides, if he wants to drink he can, and I cant tell him otherwise. He has been drinking on a nightly basis, however, it has mostly been here at home, although he still has done the disappearing act several times on the weekends since he started this job.

Now here is the final straw. We planned a vacation during Thanksgiving (which is in a couple weeks). I am not currently working, and money is very tight, so we mutually agreed that we would save his paychecks to make sure that we had December and January bills paid which I was in the process of job searching. He said he would leave the checks at work, and when we got back from our vacation, we would cash them and pay all of our bills. Because of his total lack of impulse control (and a strong desire to gamble anytime he has some extra money) I would consistently tell him how proud of him I was that he was saving that money and that this was one of the first steps to retrusting him. Well last night he got wasted, took my car, carseats and all, leaving me stranded. When I was searching around for my debit card to make sure he didnt take that too, I found his cashed check receipts (for more than $3000 that he had cashed on Friday. I had a feeling something wasnt right that day because he got home from work and was tipsy but hadnt spent any money on his debit card, so I repeatedly asked him if he cashed his check, and he said over and over again that he would NEVER leave his wife and kids out to dry with no way to pay for our bills.

I need to get out. I need to be strong. I need to kick him out. If anyone has any words of encouragement, I would appreciate it. I feel like I have had the life beaten out of me, from being emotionally and mentally abused for so many years. Sadly, I almost find his continuous disappearances and addictions to be my so called "normal" life. I am also worried about what my family is going to think if I divorce him. They have absolutely no clue what I have gone through for all these years as I am too embarrassed to tell any of them the truth.

Thank you for listening.

Hi Angelah,
Let me first of all say how sorry I am that you are going through such traumas. I have been where you are now and it is a terrifying place.

Here's the bottom line for now... You need to get yourself to Al-anon meetings and share all your stuff before it threatens to consume you. Al-anon (which is a 12 step fellowship for the families and loved ones of those with alcohol problems) will help you and will understand every nuance of your pain. You need to learn the tools for dealing in a healthier way with the insanity of your husbands behavior and Al-anon will give you those tools. Right now, the drinking is merged with the lying so it will be very difficult to guide you how to be in relation to the lying and hence the reason why you need help on the alcohol side of things first. Just google "Al-Anon". There are online as well as land based meetings all over the Internet.

Once you get clearer about your husbands dis-ease of alcohol addiction, we can then talk in more depth about his lying addiction. In the meantime though, here's a post I did about why lying addicts lie which you may find useful...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

Big Hug,
Billi Caine