Suicidal with my compulsive lying to my wife about women

Hi,
I posted in this forum two years ago and got some useful advice.
However I still have not solved my problem with lying to my wife - in fact it has got worse- about who I work with - in particular women. As she is extremely jealous of any women I come into contact with - even the supermarket checkout girls- she goes crazy if I even say anything to them.
Or the girls in the chemist.
So I lie every day about who I work with.
I tell lies that noone would believe - for example that I never see any women in my office only men.
She asks me every day what women I saw at work and I lie and say none.
She knows this is not true but it continues and has continued for years.
I dont know how to solve this problem and I know it is going to come to a head shortly as I am finding it more and more difficult to cover up as more women join the team at work.
Anyway I dont want to have to do this - I just want to be normal.
In particular a woman has joined this week who I actually interviewed for the job and I have not told my wife yet that she is in my office two doors down and in and out all the time.
It is only a matter of time before she hears her over the phone.
There is nothing going on with any woman - I have never been unfaithful in the 34 years we have been together.
I love my wife but hate her jealousy.

To be fully honest some years ago I actually hit my wife and I think this is where her insecurity comes from. This has not happened for years however not that that excuses anything.

Now I am actually suicadal about this problem and would rather be dead than face the inevitable arguement with my wife when she finds out or I have to tell her.
I spend all day trying to think of a way to lie my way out of it.
I cant sleep at night thinking about it and have panic attacks
Can anyone please offer me any advice how to cope with this situation.
Or tell me what is wrong with me that I cannot live a normal life.
The last time I posted the answer given was that it was my wife that had the problem (Jealousy) but I am not sure this is the case - particualrly given the fact that I previously hit her on a number of occasions I am ashamed to say.
Please help if you can.

Dear Noslenp,

I agree that it is your wife who had the problem. If you have not hit your wife in years, you and you obviously felt total remorse for what happened, then you are very far from a chronic abuser. In fact it is your wife who is psychologically abusing you. And there is definitely something severely wrong with her. You are not necessarily helping her by playing into her illness. Here is the deal, when two people love each other they are supposed to want each other to have a nice experience in life. Life is short, and when we love someone, we want that person to be able to treasure the gift that is life. On the other hand, she has essentially barred you from any meaningful interaction with half of the entire human race. These women could be, within appropriate boundaries, your friends. But you are forced to I suppose almost be rude to women if your wife is so jealous she can't see you talk to them. That is a form of extreme, severe, and unfair manipulation. She doesn't seem concerned that you spend your days trying to make her happy, that you are borderline suicical and having panick attacks out of fear of this confrontation.

On the other hand, you may want to look at why you fear that confrontation so much. I think in the long run you would be well off going to couples therapy to talk through these issues with your wife. If you can be sensitive to her severe insecurities, she can be sensitive to your panic over these issues. In a marriage, two people must meet in the middle, that is what love is.

I also get a little suspect when someone says that "oh my wife is perfect and everything is great except for this one ENORMOUS issue" - that is never the case. If she is so insecure that she is this jealous, I am sure her self esteem plays out in numerous other ways. Look at your relationship closely, are there any patterns of denial? What is it you fear so much about the confrontation. No doubt it will be ugly -- but isn't it better than a - lying while b - letting your wife continue to live in her infantile fantasy land? How are you actually helping her grow at all by playing into the nonsense? I do not mean to criticize your wife as I have suffered from jealousy and rages too, but I have learned to know what is ON ME and what is on my boyfriends. There is certain jealousy that I must let play out in side of me. I would not want to hurt my partner with my own issues.... and you are letting her hurt you and hold you accountable for HER issues.

I think you guys need serious counseling. You need to stop blaming yourself, you are obviously a very good man, and she may also have a great heart but she is sick and she needs to get better. I hope you two can support each other and work things out, I really do. But I think living in truth is always the best for all. Denial and suppression is at the heart of much of mental illness.

Dear Kas74,
Thanks you very much for your detailed and very helpful response - I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.
I still cant help feeling however that most of the problem is my fault and your question "Why do I fear the confrontation so much" really made me think.
Perhaps to explain a bit more in a similar situation years ago my wife found out I was working with a woman in my office which I had not mentioned to her and she got a taxi to my office and came in screaming and shouting at me and the other woman who obviously was very taken aback and took displicinary procedures against the company at the time.
There was nothing going on between us needless to say.
I was lucky not to lose my job then.
This is perhaps what I am afraid of now - I certainly could not afford to lose my job now.
Also to be honest the embarrasment of my boss and colleagues seeing my wife like this would be intolerable. At that time she messed up her hair on purpose so she would look worse.
We have been to counselling before some of it helpful some of it not.

Also to explain my family background a bit more my family do not talk to me mainly because of my wifes religion (Yes they are screwed up too)(RC)and also the fact that she was previously married to my brother - what a mess!
Anyway thanks for your help and I will keep you updated if you want. (Or not if you dont!)

Anyway I do love my wife could not live without her and hope I can work it out.
Thanks for your help and if you have time I would appreciate
your further comments.

Thanks again.
Noslenp

Dear Noslenp,
I had this problem with my previous husband, he was a very jealous person even though I was completely faithful right up to I lost him to a heart attack. He'd snoop in my bag, phone, computer etc and honestly believed because I had BPD I'd sleep around (I doubt it as I am not keen on sex)
He'd get into such a frenzy that he'd binge drink, not good with someone with diabetes.
Your wife needs help and her jealousy is out of control, will she go to therapy with you and speak to someone? Neither of you can live like this so need to do something about it, my husband wound himself up so much he had a heart attack and died.
Here to help
Rachel

Hi Noslenp,
Something about your post isn't resonating with me. Either you are not telling the full story or you have changed the story to fit your take on events. Why would your wife begin get jealous after you hit her? It doesn't make sense. Certainly she would become more frightened of you but certainly not more jealous. I am not comfortable giving any opinions until what I read about your situation fits with my gut.

I agree that you are as much of the problem as your wife is. When we point the finger at anyone, there are always 3 pointing back at the self. You need to go sort your anger/ rage out.

As to your lies... do you lie in any other areas apart from the women at work? If not then maybe you are not a compulsive liar/ lying addict and just really need to get to the core of your marital situation with a mediator and if you do then read the post I have written on how to stop lying.

Good Luck,
Billi

Hi nonslep - Just to add a few more comments on this since you asked, also to comment on some of what others said. I did not see any evidence of rages or anger issues in the typical sense in your post, so I am not totally sure what the last poster was referencing. That said something didn't quite resonate, but for me I think it is the clear lack of healthiness of both you and your wife. Anytime someone says "I can't live without my ____" then alarm bells go off. Your wife almost made you lose your job and humiliated you. She does not trust you. And you are afraid of her. I wonder exactly what you mean by love. I have posted on the topic before but sometimes people throw around the word love without much thought. I am not a strong Christian but the Bible is useful in defining love: patience, kindness, does not envy, is not jealous, does not boast, etc... etc.... Love is a behavior and a choice to treat a person a certain way. It is a skill. IT IS NOT the tingly feeling you get when you are "in love" (which is a result of chemicals...) and IT IS NOT when you feel you can't live without someone. The latter is unhealthy and it is basically just dependence. If you use it as a metaphor, like "I can't live without my manicurist she is so great with nails! (haha)" then okay, but you sounded like you meant it, literally. Like you can't live without her. I think you need to look at this. You are married to your brother's ex -- I can only think this is evidence of severe overall issues in your background family. the worst thing you can do is be looking for who to blame. Is it your wife's fault? Is it your fault? it does not matter!!! Blaming others or blaming yourself is not at all productive. What you need to do is figure out if you two can have a healthy relationship which looks like this:

- You BOTH TRUST each other and have independent activities & interests
- You BOTH try to make eachother happy
- You BOTH try to make eachother's life richer and more meaningful
- If anything in either of your personality/background/history is blocking YOUR OWN ability to achieve the above points, you are trying to get healthy through active efforts

As it stands, you don't trust your wife to be able to handle the truth, and she doesn't trust you with 3.5 billion of the Earth's population. This is not a pretty picture. I don't think you are a liar, you are just in a very unhealthy relationship and you seem to be in a bit of denial about what the real problem is. A symptom (and symptom ONLY) of the problem is that your wife can't handle reality, and you can't handle conflict about reality. The real problem is she has major self-esteem issues that she is holding you accountable for, and you also seem to have major self-esteem issues that you are barely acknowledging. I say this because you sound very dependent on a woman who does not treat you well at all and who is a walking, talking, tantrum-having 3-year-old. (Pardon the harshness.) Now why this all is like this is anyone's guess and this is why everyone here is saying to go for counseling -- you need to dissect these issues and understand what is really happening in this co-dependent marriage dynamic, and own what is yours and let your wife own what is hers.

I don't see any of this getting better until then. You really can do it. I would also suggest you try to read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. It helped me a lot when I was dealing with similar issues.

Good luck and hang in there... and don't blame yourself EVER!! Just try to get better

Kas,
The fact that he hit his wife demonstrates anger or rage issues. Period.
Billi

Kas74
Thanks again for your useful advice much appreciated and helpful.
What I mean by love is wanting to be with her every day wanting to wake up beside her watching her asleep and feeling happinesss and a warm feeling inside.
I take your point that it does not sound like love from my description of our relationship but I know I can make it work somehow - the good times are just too good.
As I mentioned we have previously been to counceling with some success but what happens then is I lie about someone at work (or dont mention someone new starting) my wife eventually finds out and we are back to square one again.
Or even worse she does not find out but she knows I am lying and I know she knows but I keep doing it.
Thank for your advice and I will read the book and see how things go.
Thanks again for your help.
Regards
noslenp

Hi Billi Caine,
I had read your post previously before starting this post - excellent summary and perhaps you are right about me not being a compulsive liar -I just lie to avoid confronation with my wife are rarely lie about anything else.
I dont really know what you mean about the story not resonating with you - I was pretty straight up with my story but maybe I have chaged it to fit my take on events - I dont know but I really dont think so - I came here for help so I told it as it was.
Obviously for brevity I did not include everything this would be impossible but the bones of the story are there.
Just to clarify I have not hit my wife for 6/7 years and I am fully remorseful and dont ever feel like doing it now - in fact I cant believe I ever did.
Your point about my wife getting jealous after I hit her is also not really corrct - she was always jealous about me and other women.
Regarding the abuse - if you stop abusing and feel remorse and apologise are you not entitled to a new life - I have seen murderers get shorter sentences.
I think I have sorted out my anger - what do I need a certicicate?
to answer your question I also do not lie about anything else except work to my wife.
I would very much appreciate your feedback and any help you can give me as I am really lost here.
Thanks for your reply
Regards
noslenp

-- Mon Jun 17, 2013 8:35 pm --

Hi Rachael 1974,
Thanks for your reply and help.
As I mentioned above we have tried councelling but it always seems to start again some time afterwards.
In any case if we were to go to for help - I would have to go to my wife and tell her I have being lying again - the very thing I fear the most.
It may have to come to that but I am not sure that my wife would forgive me again.
Thanks very much for your help.
Regards
noslenp

Hi Noslenp,
I appreciate the conundrum you are in but really and truly the only person you have a hope of changing right now is yourself in this situation. In recovery circles the Serenity Prayer sums it up... "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

The only suggestion I can give you is to get some sort of talking therapy for yourself to help you work through this whole plate of knotted spaghetti so you can find a way forward for yourself. Things cannot stay as they are indefinitely. As the only thing certain in life is change I would start getting you weller emotionally for when this comes to a head - because it will sooner or later - no question. This is a pressure cooker situation that needs a serious decision. If you don't get help for yourself, you may be in danger of boiling over when it does come to a head. You see anger is simply a mask for fear and you have so much fear right now anything could happen... I know you know what I mean.

Big Hug,
Billi