Not sure what to do

My boyfriend is definitely a compulsive liar- a few years ago, it wasn't bad at all, but now it's become a huge problem, with really huge lies.

I got in a fight with him last week about it- We only get to see each other once a week or so now, since he's taking a semester off from school and is at his parents', so I had invited him to go to a school-sponsored trip to Washington DC with me. He told me he was visiting an uncle in New Hampshire. Well, turns out he did go on the trip, and was on the other bus... I found out at a rest stop on the way back,and went into the bus he was on and yelled at him and stuff... he looked really scared when he saw that I had found out, and I left before he could make excuses, so I have no idea how he reacted after all my yelling.

So, I'm going to see him tomorrow at a school club meeting, which he still goes to since he's technically still a student. I have absolutely no idea what to do or say to him. I'm certain there's been other lies he's been telling, but whenever I've call him on them he's called me a hypocrite - i can't argue that, because it's technically true (I generally only lie about my health so people don't worry, but that happens a lot). This one, however, he can't make that argument for.

The way I reacted when I found out, though... well, I'm not sure how to approach him now after that; I'm sure he'll probly try to tell more lies to try to excuse it, but I honestly have no clue anymore on how to separate the lies from the truth.

Does anyone have any tips for what I could do to talk to him about this?

Hi Cat,
Your boyfriend sounds like he does have an addiction and compulsion to lie. People who lie like he does are in the throws of an addiction though which is a disease not a moral issue. I know that's hard to hear when you have been betrayed and feel wounded but it's a fact all the same.

With regard to how you handle him next time you see him. This is very important.

Lying addicts greatly fear it when their loved ones shout and scream at them for their lying. They can only stand there and take it. Often, the fear of getting shouted at can be what persuades the lying addict to lie more to put off any possible confrontation.

This, of course, creates mayhem when they are then caught in these lies and their worst fear comes true. When asked at these times to “tell me the truth”, they are in extreme inner panic and their already shaky judgement is completely clouded. When the loved one then becomes relentless in trying to get the lying addict to confess their lies, they will use every means necessary to protect themselves and their addiction and this is where deflection comes in. If the lying addict can accuse the loved one of something, the heat is temporarily off them.

Lying addicts will sometimes tell the truth to their loved ones but this often ends in tears as there is usually fighting of some description that follows it as the truth hurts them. The loved one will sometimes promise they will not get angry but will do so anyway and this can further deter the lying addict from telling the truth again in the future.

My advise, respond NOT react to him. Responding is done with thought and grace. Reacting is a result of feeling defensive and fearful. Breathe deeply before you speak to each other - for the foreseeable future.

Good Luck,
Billi Caine

Thank you, Billi, for the great insight into this, you've given me a lot to think about. He did look quite terrified when I had caught him... I've never seen him look so scared. Luckily I'm typically a very calm person, and rarely get as angry as the other night, so I think I should be able to confront him calmly, as you say.

I think... I'll make sure he is aware that I am going to stay calm, and got get angry or yell. I won't demand he tell me the truth, rather, request nicely he tell me why he would tell such a lie to me, rather than demand he tell the truth. Does this sound okay?

I'm really nervous what will happen tonight... I don't want to lose him, but I want him to know that it is also not okay that he lie so much to me. We've been together just over 2.5 years, and I really don't want this to affect the relationship too much.

Hi Cat,
Thanks to your great attitude, you are well on your way to theoretically being able to handle tonight. I respect your change in tact and wish you well with it. However the reason I used the word theoretically is because when a person is dealing with a lying addict who is not yet ready for recovery the lying addict can spin a person's wheels with more lies piled on top of the current lies to get themselves out of the excruciating predicament they are in having being found out. It's like if they admit to the original lies, they are admitting to being a liar and that is their worst nightmare. They usually hate liars as much as the next person and detest being called one.

The reason your boyfriend looked so scared was because he was not only afraid of the shouting but of being caught in his lies... period... and when confronted was frozen in marinated shame... shame he would have been carrying around since his first lie. Lying addicts are people who have no authentic voice of their own and become human pretzels being what they think everybody else wants them to be so getting a straight answer out of him tonight may be huge challenge. The key is though, as you said, request he tell the truth as opposed to demand.

My advice though... if you don't get a straight answer, leave it. You will be like car wheels in thick mud otherwise. You will forever be going round in circles and will just be pulled deeper and deeper into addiction madness. Remember you are dealing with an addict who feels he has to defend his addiction as lying addicts need their lies in order to live just as all addicts need their drug of choice to live.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Yeah... it didn't work so well. =/
He dodged the subject and said he was mad at me for some of the things I said last week, particularly me saying I wanted him to die, particularly- though I texted him a bit after that when I had calmed down, apologizing for such an outburst and saying I didn't want him dead, but he claims he "didn't get that text"; he always claims he doesn't get a lot of texts, though suspiciousy those texts he doesn't get are very convienient ones to forget, and convieniently the ones he claims he does get end up being ones in his favor...
Then, since it was during us walking between services (which, when he saw I was there, looked kinda scared for a couple seconds) and the club meeting I was trying to confront him, and he was walking kinda fast, I ended up having an asthma attack. He stopped for a minute, then just left me there! And then when I got sick later, and fainted (in retrospect, going to an athletic club after asthma attacks is not good), he let the others deal with it (although I think he didn't realize at first, he was with the other team further away, and the guy who knew we were fighting told the others not to get him when someone suggested they get him since he knows me best- but he did know after that, when they were helping me walk back to the group).
So now I'm even angrier at him, unfortunately. I think for now I'm just gonna try not to text him/call him or anything, since he's ignoring me kinda too, and see how he acts at the next club meeting next week. I'm kinda nervous though, since summer's soon, meaning if this doesn't get resolved soon, and he continues ignoring me, I may not see him til september... This is really quite a mess now... =[

Hi Cat,
I'm sorry it turned out rough for both of you.

I think the reality here now is that it is likely things won't get sorted before the Summer simply because he is a lying addict in denial so he is not going to be straight with you any time soon as well as you being enraged with him so neither side is going to give I don't think. I think the best you can hope for at this stage is you working towards feeling better about yourself and cleaning up the messes your anger at him have got you into in order for you to be able to sit more comfortably inside our own skin as well as not adding any more fuel to the fire of this situation.

Just do your best to keep your side of the street clean however all this goes so your self esteem doesn't lower further and you end up saying even worse things to him than you have already said which will just end up digging him deeper into his own self hatred which in turn will push him further into his lying addiction.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Hmm, yeah, you're probly right. I should just let time do its thing now, and try to not obsess over it too much. Not obsessing should be easy, seeing as finals are coming up, and thus many essays and projects, and then I'm going on a few week study abroad class thing in germany... plus over the summer, we both work a lot anyway, close to full-time, causing not much ability to meet up anyway.

There's two weeks of the club meetings left, so I'll see him there and just be respectful and give him space, rather than trying to talk about it again. We've had fights/time apart like this before, and with time it's always gotten better, so I'm very convinced that this should get better with time, too- maybe not completely the same, but better than it is now.

Thank you for all your help, I really aprechiate it! =]

I respect your attitude Cat.

Good luck with the finals and hoping the Germany trip goes well too.

Big Hug,
Billi