I think my brother is a compulsive liar and manipulator

Hi I am wondering if I can get some help. My brother has always lied to some extent. It has come to ahead as he moved into my apartment when he moved cities to find work. He was bludging from me for nearly a year before he gained a job he liked. He could always get work but only lasted a few days as someone had done or said something and he just walked out. I have has several angry encounters with his employers as he only ever gives my contact (no matter how many times I ask him to give them his). He always has an excuse for no paying rent or bills and always asked for money. If I say NO he rings my parents with stories and I am always an awful person just give him what he wants he will pay it back. He now has a stable job and he says I have never helped him and he owes me nothing. This is just an example there has been much more along this vein. He has few friends and the one or two who are loyal have now begun to realise he is not who he claims to be ( for lack of better wording). He pushed his extended family way and disrespects us, however he is very lonely. how do I deal with this. I am at my wits end. he is family but I (and many of my family members) cant carry on like this. My brother needs help but he will never ever admit he has a problem (I am not even sure he is aware of it, if he caught out he tries to cover with more lies or gets very very angry)

Hi Worried,
I hear your frustration. Living for so many years with a person addicted to lying can take it's toll on a family and I can feel the toll it has taken on you.

That's the point though. You need to accept that you are dealing with an lying addict - a person who lies to live just as any addict uses their drug (wet, dry or behavioral) to get through life.

I define lying addiction as “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

Addiction is always a family disease. For every addict there are at least 7 people directly affected by their addiction.

So, to your specific question about how to deal with your brother... That's a tough one. Here's the bottom line, unless and until any addict (no matter what their addiction) chooses to recover, there is NOTHING anyone can do force them to accept help and/ or change. However, there are things you CAN do which impact the addict in a roundabout way and bring them closer to that place where they are at rock bottom and ready and willing to change. You can stop enabling your brother by allowing him to take advantage of you in ANY way. Learn to say "NO" and understand that "NO" is a complete sentence. So what if he bad mouths you to your parents. Don't you think they are not aware of what addiction has turned him into? Tell them in advance what you are doing from here on in and why. Tell them and your brother that you are no longer tolerating being used and abused and are no longer rescuing him from the consequences of his choices... that it does him no good and only keeps him stuck in his addiction longer. Maybe when he has been impacted more than a few times by the consequences of his lying addiction will he choose to get help for himself.

The other thing you can do is TAKE CARE OF YOU. Ironically, with addiction, the more a loved one does what is right for them and not WHAT THEY THINK THEY SHOULD DO TO KEEP THE ADDICT HAPPY, the closer, usually, the addict gets to his or her rock bottom because they can no longer manipulate the loved one any more. - One by one their bridges slowly get burnt and the only way out of their misery for the long term is to choose to get help. My point being that all your giving into him is keeping him sicker longer. Period.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine