Back is to the wall...have to come clean to fiance

Hello all,

Where to start....I didn't always feel the need to lie. At least I don't think so. I always believed, and still do believe, that relationships are only as good as the trust you have in them...I guess that's kind of funny considering where I am at now, having completely violated and destroyed the love of my life's trust, and so desperate to save a relationship that is soon to be without trust.

About a year into our relationship (approximately 4 years ago), after having my wisdom teeth out, I discovered a love for opiates. I was 24 and drank on occasion but nothing excessive, experimented with marijuana quite a bit around the ages of 16-19, but even to this day could count on one hand the number of times I've smoked pot since 19. My mother is recovering alcoholic, but from the day I was born until about 2 years ago she was on and off the wagon with regularity. My grandfather on her side is also an alcoholic. No one on my dad's side has addictive personalities that I know about.

Anyways, I loved the feeling of opiates, and when I discovered I could find them easily online, I starting buying them, making the excuse that it was a dull moment in my life. I hated my job, and while I loved the relationship I was in, it was just past that initial love stage and emotions were returning to normal. I should also mention I've had undiagnosed depression on and off in my life but never strong and never for more than a period of a month or two (at least that I've recognized while growing up). Actually for a long time I've thought its been more SAD than anything, because the symptoms always happen in the winter.

So I would on occasion buy these painkillers online and enjoy them. This is where it started. For the first time in our relationship, I kept this from her. I don't know why...maybe the guilt of being judged as a pain pill abuser, even if it was just recreational at this point. But in terms of where there betrayal began, it was there. I figured that eventually, I'd get sick of it, and stop and she would never know. Well it didn't stop, and overtime I became chemically addicted to it and it began to change my personality ever so slightly. I lost my job when the recession sit at the beginning of 2009, but partially because I didn't really care about the job, and was immature and didn't fight hard enough to keep it.

I was out of work for nearly a year before I got another job in March 2010. During this time my use of the drug increased and was always able to keep things from her (and everyone else). Although we were now living together, we weren't quite financially together yet in terms of joint purchases and putting together a budget and splitting up bills, etc. But despite this lie, I was for the most part honest. I say for the most part because I think I started to lie about little things, how i was doing at my job for instace. I recognize now that a majority of the lies I've told were to avoid confrontation.

OK, this has been boring, but I felt the backstory was important. Here is where things started to snowball. In November 2011, I lost my job. It was a sales job and I just wasnt doing good enough. I knew this was likely coming, and my boss was actually helping me try to set up interviews for internal positions around the company because he knew I liked working at the company. In reality, I was petrified of telling my girlfriend that I failed at the job. On the day I was let go, I had a final interview for a position in the company. It was actually a step up, I would be making a good amount more than I was currently making. They couldnt make the decision by the end of the day, so I was let go, but my manager talked to the manager for the new position and this person said that he loved me and was strongly considering me, but couldnt make a decision for 2 weeks.

So instead of telling my gf that I was let go, I told her I got the job and that the position started in 2 weeks so I had 2 paid weeks off. Ugh....I go through that decision in my head every day. To me it seemed like the smartest option....it looked great for this job, and assuming I got the job in 2 weeks, she would never know that I did so poorly at my job that I would get let go. Of course, 2 weeks comes, and I find out that they went in another direction. Time to make a decision again....and again I chose the wrong route. I actually pretended that I was going to my job everyday, and everything was fine. I told her I was making 60k and somehow I survived for 3 months like that. After that 3 months, I actually got hired on by the same company as a contractor, but only making 30k with no benefits, etc. I figured I would do this for a time and eventually move on, but here I am a year later with nothing changed.

I've been lying to her about my finances, where they were going, bills I paid etc. And its gotten bad. I am $2,000 behind on car payments for a car that is in her name (although there is only $3,000 left until it's paid off). I got into trouble with payday loans (I had 6-7 out) and most of them went into collections. I somehow am $2000 in debt because I basically abandoned my bank account and it rang up a ton of insufficient funds fees. Oh and, I financed an engagement ring for my fiance when my credit was still ok and am $2000 behind on that.

Ugh...so slowly but surely, my fiance is seeing signs that I am being terrible with money and has all but directly called me out on it. She is also betrayed because 2 months ago, I finally came clean with my prescription drug use and quit cold turkey. For the last 2 months I have been a shell of myself, that i am just slowly coming out of. It hasnt helped the relationship. She has now asked that she take over all of the finances, and that I get put on her bank account so she can monitor everything because I have been so bad about it.

She doesnt know about any of my financial troubles at all....she thinsk I make double what I do. The walls are closing in on me and I live everyday in a constant state of anxiety and depression. But for some reason the anxiety and depression are not enough for me to just come clean and feel some sort of relief. I am about 70% sure that our relationship will be over once I reveal all this to her. I have come to grips in my head that I might be single soon. I don't want to be single....I love this girl so much, but I've also unknowingly hurt her so much in so many ways because of lying. I kept thinking that I would finally get another job and take care of the expenses that I've neglected and then I would jsut be honest again, but I know that is no way to live and no way to have healthy relationship.

Ugh, I don't know what I'm really asking for her. How do I break this to her? How do I show her that i recognize I have a problem and will do anything to work on my problems, not just for us but for me personally. Is there no hope? I know it depends on a lot of stuff I didnt share with you...her personality, how genuine my efforts are to come clean and start over, the dynamics of our relationship....I'm just looking for any kind of advice and support. Thanks guys

Hi There,
I read your story and I honestly think that what you are is quite simply an addict who has snowballed in his lying to keep his drug from being taken away (even though ultimately it was still "taken from you") and not a compulsive liar. I have been around the addiction field for a long time including many 12 step fellowships and know an addict when I hear one. Narcotic addicts 9 times out of 10 stop lying as they recover once they no longer have to defend or hide anything. The lies you are telling now are still old messes. There is a difference.

What I would suggest you do is attend a Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meeting. Part of NA's 12 steps is to "make amends" in relation to cleaning up the mess from active addiction and I would not jump into doing that until you have got NA behind you. Handling rejection (should it come to that) can lead a vulnerable addict straight back to active addiction.

NA can be found online as well as in land based meetings.

Good Luck to you.
Billi Caine