How to break the cycle in a child

My 11 year old son is a compulsive liar. It does not appear conscious; he lies about anything at all, even things he wouldn't get in trouble for. He doesn't think at all about what he says.

I'm struggling with several lines of thought and personal experiences:
(1) As a child, I was accused of lying even when I was telling the truth. I was not a habitual liar but I couldn't convince my parents that I wasn't lying. So I was punished even when I wasn't lying and was telling the truth. My conclusion: A child needs to be led to tell the truth without fear of consequences.
(2) When I was a child, my lying intensified when I knew that I would be punished for the truth. My conclusion: Punishment for lying will cause a child to lie more.
(3) A child needs to be punished to stop the lying behavior.

So here is an example of what I currently do:
Did you brush your teeth?
Yes
Ok, let me see how you did.
It doesn't look like they were brushed.
But I did!
(Gives the "Mom" raised eyebrows look.) I need you to tell me the truth. DID YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH?
No.
Go brush them. (This is a consequence of lying, but not really a punishment.)

Sometimes I will add a lecture about how bad lying is.

This sounds very stupid, I realize, and I'm embarrassed about that, but I just remember how my childhood experiences enhanced my lying. If I were to pile on severe consequences, I feel like the lying would leap tenfold, with lies to cover lies.

So where is the effective middle ground? How do I punish lying behavior without making it worse? At this point I can still get the truth out of my son about two or three lies down the road. But the bottom line is, he is a habitual liar who lies without giving it a second thought, and if I don't fix this, he is not going to have a good life.

I hope someone here can help.

are u retelling my every morning? it's the hardest time of the day - when my son has to go to school. sometimes i just want to die and then ressurect at 11am, with no clue what happened in the morning, its is so hard to bear all that...did u take ur math book? yes. - check the bag - no book. why didnt you? typical answer: i dont know. why dod u lie that u took it? I DON;t KNOW! and it is like that at every single little thing...he is making up stories all the time, but whne he has to write a small essay about his winter holiday...he stares at that paper 3 hours and writes nothing! it is so frustrating whne teachers call me 2 a week to tell me he lied....im so tired...i am tired of inveting punishments and then thinking that this might be emotional abuse for my child, but someone has to teach him to act correct and...ufffffff........i really just want to shoot myself..... he is so gifted and brilliant and wonderful and the days he is okay and sincere are the most happy for me....but black clouds come fast

Hi Concerned Mom2,
I know this will be hard for you to hear but you cannot fix this. You are powerless over this because what your child has is an addiction to lying and addicts of all types have to come to a desire to change in their own time when they decide they have had enough and need to change - however long that takes.

A "middle ground" would be to keep reinforcing to your child that what they have is an addiction (and addiction is a disease not a moral issue) and not punish them in the traditional sense. You would not punish your child if they had cerebral palsy would you? Lying addiction is as much of a disease as any other disease. Punishing addicts makes absolutely no positive difference at all and pushes them further into self hate which makes them act out even more in their addiction. Not punishing the child is not the same, however, as enabling the addiction or not allowing the child to experience authentic consequences for their behavior due to their addiction. But telling the child how bad lying is doesn't and will NEVER help. The child knows it is bad but is powerless to stop and only feels worse with each scolding.

In addition, when your child tells you the truth positively reinforce that too.

I know you Moms carry a very heavy cross with lying addicted children and my heart truly goes out to you but accepting you cannot fix it is maybe the kindest most loving thing you can do for both yourself and your children. All as you can do is walk the path with them treating the lying as the disease it is and be there when they fall to rock bottom.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Billi,

Thank you very very much for support. I suppose it's support i need. My family acuses me, they say i am too libertine and i treat him more like a friend rather than child. that we are more like partners that subordinates. i do not think a child is a vasal to the parent.

i desperately try to channel his lies. we made up a small escape - we draw small comix stories (i'm a painter) with no limits to "what can happen". other techniques are letting him invent the end of the moovie. yes is it annoying when he keeps talking while we watch but... if this is a small relief for him - why not?

and really...what causes lying?

Hi Noire,
I really think the parents of children/ people who lie addictively have a desperately hard time. It is harder for them to walk away than it is other non related loved ones. You grew these beings inside you and love them more than life itself so to see them becoming people who are destroying themselves with lies is no doubt unbearable at times. I really feel for you.

In relation to your question about where it comes from, my own view is that lying is an addiction. Like all addictions though, there is no one set answer as to their origins. Behavioral addictions like gambling, working etc are seen up as there with drug/ alcohol addictions today. Dopamine is produced when a person is active in their addiction and people become addicted to that - IN ALL ADDICTIONs - so the addict needs more dopamine to get the same hit and how addictions progress over time. This is established science. Your child, therefore, needs to lie in order to get his fix. I know that's hard to stomach in a child but it is the way it is. I think the more parents with lying addict children learn to understand and accept this fact, the more peace they can find within themselves and the more empowered help they can give their kids.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Billi thank u for support. one thing i know for sure - i dont want to have another kids

Ah... BIG HUG Noire.... I hear you....