Please help :(

Hi I am new to this. I'm sorry if my story is rambled I hope someone can help.

I know I have a problem with lying. And my lies have completely destroyed my relationship with my partner who I am still deeply in love with. I know he loves me also but things have gone too far- he gave me chance after chance but I let him down.

When we first met I was not lying. I was successful in my career but not all that happy in myself. As our relationship developed I grew happier and happier and still no lies.

Problems begun when my financial situation begin to change. I have always had money and was left a lump sum inheritance at a young age which enabled me to live comfortably. I was always there to support friends financially but was never overextravagant and new the value of money.

My partner liked money in a different sense he was quite materialistic and enjoyed splashing out on fine things and clothes. His previous girlfriend was very wealthy and I know used this to her advantage in their relationship.

Basically as time went on my savings went down as I was willing to take responsibbility for funding presents yearholidayly, household bills when we moved in together. He lost his job around Christmas time last year and as I knew how stressed he was about the impact of this financially despite my decreasing savings I tried to keep standards up. Here is where it went pear shaped about 5 months ago- I had nothing. But had wanted to book us a holiday to cheer him up- I used his credit card to do so without his permission and he did not find out until we got back. I had to borrow money off a close friend (no more) to be able to repay the debt.

I was not honest about my financial position and kept reassuring him that we had a large sum in the bank for our future. Even though at this point I was funding our lives of a small salary, selling my best jewellery and just trying to keep us a float. He had a few thousand in the bank that we had earned doing work for his own business but I never told him we needed to touch this. I even told him there had been errors at the bank when on a few occassions our monthly household bill money was not transferred to him in time.

He wanted a change of direction in his career. So we worked together on a new business concept. Found premises. Arranged stock. He was so exited. I wished so much that we could of gone ahead with this but obviously we couldn't as the funds were not there. Again I said there had been mess ups at the bank when transferrs for our lease did not go through. He got so angry and his head was a mess about this. He started calling me a liar and we had blazing rows in which I remained adamant that I was not. He ended up kicking me out the house for 2 weeks because of this but he asked me back we couldn't be without eachoher he said he loved me and never wanted us to seperate again.

Few weeks later its nearing his birthday and he wanted to buy a new car. He asked me to put some money towards it- at first I was reluctant but he was annoyed by this and said it made him feel as though he couldn't rely on me- so I said yes and agreed to put towards it. So I was able by scraping bits together to put three quarters of what we had agreed I would towards it. Again I blamed this on bank error as oppose to being honest that we couldn't afford it. This caused him to feel hugely let down as it put him in debt (had to go into overdraft to purchase the car) and he hated me for it.

The money was due to go into his account on his birthday but obviously it didn't and despite the fact that I had organised a special meal with his friends and family. We did not spend the day together as I ruined his birthday because of this.

So he has now said that its over- for good- I am a liar he doesn't trust me, I do not make him happy anymore and let him down constantly he says.

Please can someone help me. I feel completely broken knowing I have caused this and can't bear the thought of not having him in my life. On the other hand I know that he is better off without me not having to put up with any more of my lies. I know I have hurt him so much and knowing this is like being stabbed for me.

Hi Lolly321,
I think despite the fact that you never set out to lie to your partner, the fact is you never really thought you were good enough for him. You tried to sustain a life beyond your means and sadly that had to end at some point. You don't say if you have actually been finally honest about your finances to your partner or whether he thinks that your compulsive behaviour is lying when actually it just might be self esteem issues. You don't have to compare yourself to any of his previous partners - he chose you, the real you and you need to get back to who you really are. You can only do that by being totally honest with your partner and admit to him and yourself everything that has happened financially. This would let him see the extent of the problem, so he can digest the magnitude of your mistakes, and perhaps you too can see what a mess you have got yourself into. You would also have to demonstrate that you have taken positive steps towards changing your behaviour. Offer to let him take over the financial reigns and let him control your finances for a while. Gradually you might win back his trust. He can no longer trust you. Only the both of you can determine if you still love each other. If he won't have you back then you will have to move on and you could consider two things: he only loved you for your money, or he did not love you enough through the bad times. Either way you need to take positive steps to live within your means, even if it means making it harder to get access to money that you don't have. None of this makes you a bad person, you just made a bad judgement. I hope he reconsiders, but you need to gain his trust first.

Thanks for your reply unicorn. It surprises me a. Little that you suggest my issue is more to do with self esteem than lying. I suppose I have always felt a little insecure in the relationship as his ex girlfiend remains very close to his mother who has had a very strong pull on his decision in the past. I think my lying only beginning when finances began to become difficult was because I just did not want to let him don or cause him stress as he has always seen financial security as complete securiy. No I have not admitteed anything to him he has now become so hurt by it all (the let downs as he sees them) that he's said suddenly that he doesn't love me he hates me and does not want me in his life

i just wanna throw my two cents in. Almost all compulsive lying issues are due to Self-Esteem issues. At least that is what i have learned from countless numbers of therapists and hours of personal research. Its just a matter of finding out what your self-esteem issues are. The thing too is that as compulsive liars we have a hard time admitting we have low-self-esteem becasue it always seems quite the opposite. On that note i wish you luck. Financial issues are the worst, sometimes its better to just cut ties and start off fresh especially when money is involved.