Possible BPD? Trigger Warning, I think.

I too have been wondering if I have BPD for a couple years now, and I must say I can relate to pretty much every single thing you listed in your post... I feel your pain. I have seen psychologists before for a number of years and was only diagnosed with depression; I now wonder if I subconsciously manipulated them and led them to believe whatever I wanted them to believe, when really there is more to the story.. Anyhow, I really do wish you all the best.. I wish I could give you some advice, but I am looking for the same answers you are. All I can really offer you is the fact that you are not going through this alone. <3

Thanks, it means a lot to me with you reaching out, and I wish you the best too. I just got into an argument with my dad because I was mad about something so I was hitting things in my room, and my mom called me over and asked what was wrong. What was wrong was that my brother just talked to me telling me how he had all these horrible relationships and was now single for a long time and he said "If I can be sane through all that then you can survive your girl problems", and he said that anything can be fixed with awareness, acceptance and meditation and telling me how he is able to accept all these bad things and that I should too. He told me a story about someone with mental problems being stuck like that and it sounded like she had BPD so I said that maybe she had that, and my brother said "Okay, but it doesn't matter, anything can be fixed through awareness." Basically I felt like a failure for being upset about anything at all and that I'm stupid for even feeling any freaking emotion at all! And that I just fail at all this meditation stuff and that I'll never be happy and that it's all my fault that I'm like this and that I should just never speak because I'm always wrong no matter what I say. So I told my parents "Don't worry about it, since apparently showing emotion is bad" then I suddenly welled up with all these overwhelming emotions and I said "Just forget it, just forget it" almost crying and went to my room, then I came back apologizing, then my f****** dad says he's going to give me medicine or beat me up really bad because I'm not acting normal because I was mad, so apparently showing any emotion in this d*** house is wrong, so I got mad and yelled "Oh, so I'm not normal? Okay, whatever" and I walked away and slammed my door. I honestly hate everybody in this freaking house right now, especially myself, so much rage right now I just want to run away.

And now I've calmed down a bit, but now he's yelling at my mom all because of me. I feel absolutely horrible and stupid now, I hate this, so much. The only thing stopping me from running away right now is knowing that my dad is going to get mad and upset and yell at my mom and at me, and I'll feel horrible for that, and once they find me they're going to hate me and think I'm crazy. Sorry for posting so much, I'm sure it's getting annoying, so I'll just stop before I make anybody else mad.

You shouldn't feel bad about not being able to 'will yourself better'; people who say things like that simply don't get it. It isn't always that simple.

But it doesn't hurt to try, I suppose. RAINBOWS AND KITTENS. THINK OF THE KITTENS!!! Google kitten images. Now. Yes, right now. Find one of those fluffy little hairballs and stare it it's fluffiness.

....


Welcome back. Did that help?

Well it was strange, my mood actually improved, and I was feeling extremely good for the past few days, but then the smallest things made me really upset and now I'm back down to a low mood. I'm going to therapy tomorrow, so we shall see what she says about all this. I'm just really worried, I hope the answer doesn't upset me more.