Low Self Esteem After Anti-Depressants and BDD

So I have been off anti-depressants since July this year, and for the most part it is going well. I feel like myself again and feel less like a uni-polar zombie robot... (not to mention I am much nicer off meds... they made me into such a b*tch).
BUT in terms of confidence and self esteem, I have gone down hill... a LOT. I guess this makes sense as serotonin has been shown to be positively correlated with social status... But I dont know how to deal with the change..
I feel fat all the time now and even see myself as fat, even though I have been cutting out certain food and going to the gym at least 3 times a week. Also, the scale shows I am either loosing or maintaining weight... so why do I feel heavier???
Also, people have seemed to just ignore me lately.. it's as if i am invisible. my best friend is tall and skinny and creative and beautiful (or so everyone says)... if i go anywhere with her people take to her and ignore that i am even standing there...
I am just so tired of trying... I try to be nice and social with people but it gets me nowhere... friends have stopped talking to me and i dont know why... i have been going to the gym for a month now and feel no different (actually feel fatter).... I try so f*cking hard in school and my grades are going down.
i dont get it.. i am so tired and am starting to get suicidal again... i nearly took a bottle of ativan last night i was so upset... fortunately i only took two and fell asleep...

do do you guys deal with feeling so horrible about yourselves (if you do feel this way)?

anyone? no one? right-o...

Everyday is a battle for me. I can't afford therapy (I've gone to one session) but I know that my BPD is very real and very scary. I have gone through some hardships for sure, but what really gets me is the fact that I have a wonderful boyfriend of three years and yet I continually accuse and push him away due to my extreme jealousy. We have a hard time figuring which movie to watch because sooo many actresses out there are as beautiful as can be, thus making me very very jealous and unstable, triggering all the insecurities I thought I locked away....how very wrong of me. I struggle day to day with a little bit of alcohol addiction (it's more my bf that craves the alcohol, but of course I am right there with him because it helps to null my pain) and jealous paranoia. I've never really been prescribed with formal bpd meds but wish I could be. Ironically, I am pursuing my Bachelor's in Nursing and have a passion for alternative medication, ie. herbology, acupuncture, etc, so I'm at a loss. Anyway, yeah, bpd is ######6 ridiculous to deal with, I've only just come to terms with the diagnosis, (mostly in denial because I hate it) but....you know. I just wish you the best of luck and I'm really mostly here only because my "true" friends don't really seem to be of much reassurance these days. It sucks going at it alone. Is that you in your picture? If so, Im sure it is, lol, you are a beautiful, gorgeous girl. I know how these trivial compliments come into play sometimes, but really, from one bpd to another, you are beautiful. God bless. Hope everything sorts out.

PS: If you are open to spiritual reading, please read A NEW EARTH and THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolleson. It requires some rereading indefinitely, but it has helped. Best of luck. Much Love.

Just curious, why did you stop your medication? Was it sudden, or were you weaning off of them?