Scared. [vent] [trigger warning]

Okay, so I really need to get this all out. i don't really care who reads, or if anyone responds (okay..I DO...but...whatever), but I just feel like I have to get this out before I go to therapy next week, and it's all fresh in my mind in this moment.

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I really feel like I need real help, and it's really freaking me out in more ways than one.
On the inside, I am feeling scared, because I have never really admitted that I have a problem. I am not diagnosed with anything, and I have kept all of my issues well hidden from 90% of the people I encounter outside my personal life. The other 10% either has some idea that I get overly angry, or that I have some depression issue. Some of them have experienced it, too, mainly those who I live with. But most people don't think there's anything wrong with me.
I laugh at that.
No matter what diagnosis I may achieve (or not) by seeking real help, I know there's something seriously wrong with my brain. I know that it has something to do with my genetics, as my family is all kinds of mentally messed up as well. That's something that scares me because while it's nice to know I'm not to blame for some of this, it's still messed up that there's a possibility that I may be this way all of my life. What if coping skills can't help? What if I never figure out how to self-sooth?
The thing is...I'm really seeing now that weekly therapy meetings may not be enough. I may have to admit myself to the hospital, whether that be inpatient or outpatient treatment.
Last night, I really lost it, and I kinda went on one of my rampages. I came home REALLY happy -- therapy was good for me because I had finally allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of my new therapist, and nothing terrible happened. She was very loving and caring, and I felt very loved. It was something I haven't felt from a therapist before, and I felt like I was really on my way to making great strides in my mental health journey.
But when I came home, shxt hit the fan. Long story short, someone was on the phone with my mom, who said we weren't seeing my brother this weekend because of some mis-communication, and I just started crying. When the person on the phone sided with my mother, that triggered my anger, I hit them, and told them that they and everyone else can seriously just go fxck off. I was done. It was too much. I ran to my room and tried to self-sooth -- allow that child to feel, as my therapist says. I cried. I called my therapist, who didn't answer and for whom I left a message. I was feeling things that I haven't felt in so long. It was a bunch of feelings from my childhood. It was really TOO much. I feel loneliness, neediness, and sadness a lot, but nothing like this. It was like pure regression -- and I couldn't deal.
So...after a while of not hearing from my therapist (which, as some of you know, is really a trigger for me...because I'm demanding as fxck!), I gathered that she wasn't going to call me back. I mean, I kinda knew she might because when I left a message, it was short, abrupt, and I was crying. She could definitely hear that, right? And she's really a good person...a good T. She wouldn't leave me alone like this...right?
Well, as time went on, I just got angry. I stopped crying and started to really rage. I realized that no one cared about me. No one loved me; I was just a mistake. I needed to get away. I hated everyone. How could someone side with my mother and call me explosive like that? I started remembering feeling like this as a child; running to my room after "exploding," and no one bothered to come and ask why I was angry. They just told me it was a problem later when I became violent with my family. But it was too late after that. And look what it developed into!
I just wanted to die in that moment. I didn't know how or when, but I knew I had to die.
I mean, my mother said it herself, right? "I should've had you aborted." Well, maybe she should have!
So, in a rage, I left my home, and I drove for about an hour. I eventually found a far away parking spot in a grocery store parking lot. I just kept thinking about how I should die. I mean, I wasn't even sure if I was going to do it, but I knew I REALLY, REALLY wanted to, and if I was going to die, it had to be successful because I wasn't about to deal with all the crap that would happen if I didn't succeed.
I started texting a few friends, and one of my friends (also my ex-gf....we used to be super close) who lives in another state got really upset. She was talking to me and said that she was going to call the police. I thought I talked her out of it. That was a really, really nice thought.
I eventually went home and jumped into bed. I was still upset and talking to my friend, who then told me, "I hope they can help you.." via txt. Um, what? They?
She called her police station. They couldn't find my number, I guess. Anyway, her out of state police station called mine, which sent officers over to my house.
That couldn't have happened.
But they did. And I slithered my way out of it. I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it that night, anyway. I really didn't have a plan, and still don't. I'd really have to think about it.
So, after that shock, and after scaring my grandmother half to death and getting her sick to her stomach...I'm here.
I'm not hospitalized...I'm home.
At 10pm, my therapist called and asked what was going on. I explained it to her. She seemed concerned, and told me we're going to really try to figure it out in therapy amongst other things. I'm really grateful I have her. I don't ever want to lose her. She IS helping.
I don't know how I feel right now, but I do know I'm scared. When this all unfolded, I came to a realization that this needs to stop.

I have been "scary" like this in the past. My best friend in high school ended up telling a school counselor about my self injury. She then pulled me out of homeroom and talked to me about it in her office. I slithered my way out of that one, too. Of course, that I obviously kept doing.
So, here I am. That behavior has really escalated. Do I really want to die? I don't know. Maybe. I haven't done it yet, but I'm thinking about it.
I'm scared of going down this road. The end result might be glorious, but the in between stuff is scary. Doctor bills, losing a job, putting my degree on hold....is this what it has really come to?
I would love to wait until next summer to start planning this, but I really wonder if I can hold off that long. What can happen next?
My family is in the midst of a foreclosure. I'm the only one making real money. Yes, my grandmother can find housing because she's an low-income senior. But my pets? What will happen to them? I NEED them, especially my cat who I have had for 12 years. She's my baby, and she's old. I don't want to lose them...
And I don't want to put my grandmother through this. She says I need to get help before I hospitalize her or kill her. Obviously, I don't want either of those things to happen, so there's motivation to get help. Maybe if I do it without having the police come, it'll be ok. But she doesn't have many people to lean on. I don't want people pitying me, either, which is what would happen when I come back. ACK.

I don't know what to do anymore. I think this is my only option.
IF I disappear, that's probably what happened...

Well I don't know how much this will help but you're not alone...I feel like I am losing my mind more and more every day. I go through all the motions and do a pretty good job at faking normal but I'm not. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm tired of living this way and some days I think I just need serious help and I need to go to the hospital. But I'll never do it, I'm a mom and I work full time, I have a boyfriend and I'd have no one when I got out. I feel like nobody really understand or gets how bad it is and I worry a lot about always being this way...I am starting to accept I may never really be happy. I have brief moments but anger and depression are always lurking in the background. As quick as I experience some happiness, I just as quickly switch to being upset about something petty again. It never feels petty but I know to other people it is. I also feel like 45 minutes once a week isn't enough. I need something more intense, this forum is helping me I think. I am getting stuff out that I've been keeping inside for a long time and I feel like there's people out there like me so it gives me hope. Do you think a partial inpatient program or intensive outpatient is a possibility for you? When is your next appointment? If no one else will listen, we will.

I think I recognise your feeling about suicide. You don't necessarily want to die, you just don't want to live anymore. The responsibilies, the choices to be made, the emotions you go through, your needs that nobody can ever seem to fulfill - it all overwhelms you, and you need a way out. You feel like you need a way to stop it all at once, and the only way seems to stop living at all. You feel trapped.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and I'm here for you. It sounds like you've been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster today, and you must be so exhausted.

Lots of hugs!

Alexander the Great wrote:I think I recognise your feeling about suicide. You don't necessarily want to die, you just don't want to live anymore. The responsibilies, the choices to be made, the emotions you go through, your needs that nobody can ever seem to fulfill - it all overwhelms you, and you need a way out. You feel like you need a way to stop it all at once, and the only way seems to stop living at all. You feel trapped.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, and I'm here for you. It sounds like you've been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster today, and you must be so exhausted.

Lots of hugs!

Well said, you described exactly how I feel and said what I needed to hear. I hope it helps Eva as well. He summed up what I was thinking, I just didnt word things very well...

Roughdiamond wrote: Do you think a partial inpatient program or intensive outpatient is a possibility for you? When is your next appointment? If no one else will listen, we will.

Thanks. It helps to know I'm not alone. Sometimes it feels that way, no matter how much logical thinking you actually try to squeeze in there.

I'm thinking it may. I would have to talk to my insurance company and see about the finances of it all. I would probably be a lot more willing to do an intensive outpatient program rather than an inpatient one, for obvious reasons...I just need to talk to my T. I just really hope it doesn't mean I would have to stop seeing her. My next apt is Wednesday at 2pm. I hope I make it that long.

Alexanderthegreat wrote:I think I recognise your feeling about suicide. You don't necessarily want to die, you just don't want to live anymore. The responsibilies, the choices to be made, the emotions you go through, your needs that nobody can ever seem to fulfill - it all overwhelms you, and you need a way out. You feel like you need a way to stop it all at once, and the only way seems to stop living at all. You feel trapped.

That's exactly it! Thank you for writing that. Do you mind if I use your words to describe what I feel to my T? I don't know how to say it any other way.

Roughdiamond wrote:I just didnt word things very well...

Me neither, no worries =D


You know what's annoying about feeling this way? No one gets it. I just reached out to my friend who abandoned me this past summer. Things are different, but we still talk. I texted her last night during the whole thing with the police, called her, and wanted her to care, you know? As a friend, she should. And when I told her about possibly going inpatient, she goes, "Well, if that's what you gotta do, that's what you gotta do." Seriously? To the whole suicide thing, she said, with a snotty tone, "Well, what would you do? I am with your friend. If you sit there and say, 'I'm going to die,' I mean, you don't sit there and listen to their bull shxt, you act.'' My BULL SHXT? Seriously? Thanks. Guess that's what she thinks of my feelings. After a while, she changed the subject to something going on at university. She gave me some stuff to do and it's really stressing me out. I just don't think she gets it. no one does (besides you guys). I wanna give up in a sense, you know? It's so hard. I don't know how i'm going to get up tomorrow.

evgoddess wrote:

Alexanderthegreat wrote:I think I recognise your feeling about suicide. You don't necessarily want to die, you just don't want to live anymore. The responsibilies, the choices to be made, the emotions you go through, your needs that nobody can ever seem to fulfill - it all overwhelms you, and you need a way out. You feel like you need a way to stop it all at once, and the only way seems to stop living at all. You feel trapped.

That's exactly it! Thank you for writing that. Do you mind if I use your words to describe what I feel to my T? I don't know how to say it any other way.

Of course you can!

evgoddess wrote:You know what's annoying about feeling this way? No one gets it. I just reached out to my friend who abandoned me this past summer. Things are different, but we still talk. I texted her last night during the whole thing with the police, called her, and wanted her to care, you know? As a friend, she should. And when I told her about possibly going inpatient, she goes, "Well, if that's what you gotta do, that's what you gotta do." Seriously? To the whole suicide thing, she said, with a snotty tone, "Well, what would you do? I am with your friend. If you sit there and say, 'I'm going to die,' I mean, you don't sit there and listen to their bull shxt, you act.'' My BULL SHXT? Seriously? Thanks. Guess that's what she thinks of my feelings. After a while, she changed the subject to something going on at university. She gave me some stuff to do and it's really stressing me out. I just don't think she gets it. no one does (besides you guys). I wanna give up in a sense, you know? It's so hard. I don't know how i'm going to get up tomorrow.[/color]

Take it one day it at a time. You know now that reaching out to this friend will not make you feel better next time you're in a situation like this. It doesn't necessarily mean she's a bad friend, just that she can't give you what you need in times like that. You learned this now, and next time, it won't happen. You have your weekly appointment with your T. She really cares - from the times you've talked about her, she sounds wonderfully supportive. You have your T, and you have us. You have no choice but to go on, so take it one day at a time :')

"if I was going to die, it had to be successful because I wasn't about to deal with all the crap that would happen if I didn't succeed."
Totally relate to that. It's almost like I'd rather just pretend it never happened than deal with the aftermath of a failed attempt although, that doesn't make sense really because then why do it...but it's like a vicious circle.
I get the ambivalence about death. I sometimes feel plain suicidal but have also felt so incredibly torn. It was literally like a ping pong ball going back and forth; me thinking "I want to take an overdose" but then thinking of how death means dying actuallly ceasing to exist, not feeling better. I then feel this real fighting force from within saying "NO!" to suicide and making me feel like life is full of infinite possibilities and hope. Then I realise that I did not know how to live and the painful struggle I have just to keep myself alive. Ping-ponging between life and death at a rapid rate; less time than it takes to read a description of it.
By being in therapy you are doing the right thing even if you don't think it's enough, it sounds like you will be able to discuss this with your therapist. Is there a local mental health team you could be referred for? Like a community based nurse or a support group? I've really been wanting to buy books on DBT or Schema Focussed Therapy techniques..not sure if they'll help but can't hurt to try I guess.

how are you doing today??

Hi ev... I'm here too :0).


It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be afraid that things will change when you reach out for help.


Because they WILL change. I think you are scared of changing YOU, and that is quite all right too.


We're all scared sometimes, even when we keep doing crappy things because they're familiar.


We're here for you. <3


AMP

Thank you all.
Today has brought some really bad news. This morning, my mother suffered seizures and a heart attack. She is in a coma and on life support. The doctors are going to run brain scans, but it doesn't look good. They're asking for her religion and last wishes.
My mother and I never had a really good relationship; in fact, she's a HUGE trigger for me. However, my own battle has taught me a lot about hers. She accidentally OD'd on pills and alcohol which brought her to this point. What makes me really sad is to think of the immense amount of pain she has been in for the lot of the 53 years she has been on this Earth. It may have been accidental, but the fact that she was taking so many numbing agents to "cure" herself....it's just...wow. And that's what I'm doing.
I may have an awareness that she never had until recently, but I do know one thing.
I don't want to be that. I want to break this vicious cycle. I will do whatever it is so that I can learn from my mom.
There's so many emotions going on right now regarding this and other things. I will try to keep you all updated. I am really thankful to have you all for support.
I feel like things are going downhill. I am numb and then I am upset. I called my T today, but she didn't call me back. It's a little understandable, as she called me the other night at 10pm. That's enough right? It's not in her job description. I'm hoping she calls me tomorrow, but it's not crisis support I need. I don't see how she can do anything except be there for my meeting this coming week. I'm sure she will. And I'll discuss what's going on and further treatment options with her.
So much. It's just shxt hitting the fan.