Do you ever fantasize about running away?

I've noticed that I fantasize about this a lot - leaving all my friends behind and running off to some remote area in the woods, mostly as a test to see whether or not it's worth their trouble to search for me. Is this common with other BPDers? Why do I fantasize about this so much? What I do know is that this desire usually sets in when I go longer than one week without hearing from them. I start to question if they really like me at all - if they've just sloughed me off and have gone on with their lives.

I do that when I throw my 'tantrums'; I just go off and pout and wait to see if anyone gives a sh!t enough to find me and fix what they did wrong. A lot of people mistake this for you 'needing time to cool off', though, and leave you be.

On that note, I often think "I simply wasn't made to exist in this world" and wish I could live in one of the fantasy universes in my many games and books. That's the avoidant in me, though... realistically, my life HAS been basically me 'going elsewhere' every year or less. I've been in Denver, Miami and now middle-Georgia in less than a year's time. I hate how people always like to say, "I need to get out of this place, there is nothing going on" - THEY SAY THAT EVERYWHERE. It's the people that make a place, not the geography.

No, I don't drop off the face of the earth to see who comes to find me, I drop off the face of the earth because I don't want to deal with people. I do fantasize about running away sometimes, it's nothing I would ever follow through on, it's just this whimsical "would be nice to get away" idea that pops into my head from time to time, just pack a bag and disappear. I've cut off contact with friends and family many times in the past by not answering calls or knocks at the door, but I've never done it to see who would come running or even had any such desire.

But I do think that your feelings are pretty typical of BPD. I would imagine such behavior goes hand in hand with a desire for validation and love. I think you answered your own question--it sets in when you haven't heard from your loved ones and you begin to question whether they even care. Fear of rejection and abandonment is a common symptom of BPD.

I don't disappear, simply because I need to have contact with someone to avoid the emptiness.

I do wonder a lot who would care if I killed myself, how people would react and/or feel. Another variation this is me ending up in the hospital being seriously injured - who would care enough?

It's always been quite clear to me that this is about validation, though.

yes 3-6times/week
last year i ran half a marathon away

but if you need time
take it
way better than drugs (prescription drugs/ legal /illegal)
in a state of panic (selfdefens reflex/self-preservation) things always look bad
just couse the world is traveling at 110m/houre doesn't mean you need to

That and killing myself.

Jasmer wrote:No, I don't drop off the face of the earth to see who comes to find me, I drop off the face of the earth because I don't want to deal with people. I do fantasize about running away sometimes, it's nothing I would ever follow through on, it's just this whimsical "would be nice to get away" idea that pops into my head from time to time, just pack a bag and disappear. I've cut off contact with friends and family many times in the past by not answering calls or knocks at the door, but I've never done it to see who would come running or even had any such desire.

Similar, but my own thoughts of packing a bag and leaving are less whimsical fantasies and more just considering doing it, but I wouldn't want to leave and end up being searched for and brought home or something, so I wouldn't run away so much as I'd just leave and refuse to tell anyone where I was going or when I was coming back. I'd need at least a vague idea of what I was going to do for survival before leaving, because if I failed or just ended up existing the same way as I do now except away from where I am now and others I know, I'd consider it a complete failure and a waste of time.

*May Trigger*

Honestly? No. I'd be too afraid that, if I went somewhere completely different, that absolutely nobody would like me, or worse yet, they wouldn't even care about me. My running away was always into a bottle, and that's because I was only running away from one person - me.

Now, as Ana said, fantasizing about my death is a whole other story, and a much more frequently recurring thought. It's the only way I know of to successfully run away from myself.

I always fantasize about running away. Since I'm studying foreign language, this is slowly becoming my long-term plan after college. I still have someone here to take care of that I wouldn't want to hurt and who has nobody. After they're gone, though, I am planning on moving out of the country to get away from everyone. I doubt anyone would care.

I take walks with my dog and that kind-of helps. It allows me to run away from everything. I get lost in my little musical world, play certain songs, feel whatever it is I need to. I hate going home though. It's too harsh of a reality check.

AlexandertheGreat wrote:I do wonder a lot who would care if I killed myself, how people would react and/or feel. Another variation this is me ending up in the hospital being seriously injured - who would care enough?

Then there's this. I always wonder what would happen if I killed myself. Someone once told me, "Life goes on." So, there you go. Maybe people would be sad initially, but I am pretty sure they'd get over it.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:Honestly? No. I'd be too afraid that, if I went somewhere completely different, that absolutely nobody would like me, or worse yet, they wouldn't even care about me.

My fears would be more that I wouldn't do any better leaving than i would staying.