Lonely, abandoned and angry *trigger*

Before I go on to explain all my feelings and stuff, I just want to say I am really new here. My therapist said it would help if I spoke to others with BPD and sort of, get adjusted to being BPD.

Anyway, I was diagnosed 4 months ago and sent into CBT therapy which is like DBT therapy.

Since my diagnosis I've found that, I feel abandoned by my friends. They don't like hanging out with me any more because of an incident when I got angry because of my friend criticizing me, I was reading out a text to my friend and she was pointing out all my grammatical errors and my choice of words when I wrote the text. It really made me angry, I just felt like... I don't know, like a sense of me not being able to take the fact that she'd said I shouldn't have done something when I thought it was perfectly valid and understandable. So I got angry and started shouting at her, telling her she can't tell me what to do and that she'd really made me angry (to put it nicely). I then started punching things, (not people, objects such as walls) and they started laughing at me and saying I was over-reacting. I didn't see how I was over-reacting I thought my behavior was completely justified at the time, it added more fuel to the fire.

So, I went for a walk. A couple of hours later I received a message on Facebook asking if I was okay. I wouldn't say I was calm at that point, I think I was still moderately angry. I just said yeah, didn't really make much attempt of a conversation because I felt hurt, angry and like I didn't mean anything to her. Then she said that my BPD had ruined everything, that she can't even be seen with me and that she doesn't want to look at me any more. So I got angry again, went downstairs and started shouting at my Mum about it. I was exclaiming there was an 'Anti-Clarissa Life Barrier' in front of me, whilst smashing my fists into the wall.

She let me calm down and then came to talk to me about it, but I'm still really achy inside. I feel really alone and that nobody likes me because of who I am, the point is that they said it didn't matter about my mental illness... My 'friend' lied to me and I am struggling with dealing with it, I keep thinking about what they've all been saying about me and it's just hurting. I really feel like I hate her, but one minute I blame her for not being able to deal with me, then I don't blame her for not being able to deal with me.

I don't really know why I decided to come and write this down, but I guess I just want people to say that they react like this and that I'm not alone. I do feel alone, all the time. I sit in my room all day because nobody wants me around any more, it's terrible.

Thanks for reading,
Sorry if I triggered any of you guys.

I'm sorry that you're being abandoned like that. A Borderline's biggest fear, and it's coming to life for you.

One thing you might want to work on is the anger. Many people are hesitant to be around someone who is violent, and whether you're punching an object or a person, you're still acting violent. If you talk to your psychiatrist about it, he/she may recommend a particular anger management group, and/or discuss putting you on anti-psychotic medication. I don't know what AP's are like, other than what I've read, but if you can give me a week, I'll have a better understanding of them, as my psych will be prescribing them to me this Tuesday.

I know there's nothing I can say that will help you stop blaming yourself, or others for how things turned out betwen you and your friend, so I won't even try. I do know what it's like to be lied to by a friend, and I know how much it hurts.

We'll help you get through this; that's what we're here for!

I've been trying really hard to moderate my anger, most of the time I can actually stop it but the only times I haven't been able to are in situations like this. I find I probably take things more seriously about things and over-think them, then as a consequence I get frustrated and irritable - if that makes sense to you?

My therapist has given me sheets with techniques on them, I'm on SSRi's at the moment... I have discussed options to change medications but really it's a testing ground for me at the moment as I've only just recently been diagnosed. It's nice of you to say you'll let me know about the anti-psychotics.

Thank you JohnnyBlaze, I found what you said made sense and it was just really nice to finally hear someone say they want to help instead of just leaving me.

You are a sweet desert rose in the fog of a midsummer's night.

Your emotions are valid, no one likes to be criticized especially on something so trivial, so while your friend thought it was amusing, it triggered you.
Instead of apologizing for anything, they decided to say you were overreacting. Which probably triggered more.
I know where you're coming from.

It's great to hear you are taking CBT and like Johnny was saying, anger management can be helpful!

Hugs

Yeah, I think I would've been alright if they'd just said: "I didn't mean to cause offence, I'm really sorry". I think I wouldn't have been so bad, I would've calmed down and apologized for getting angry about it.

Thank you for being so kind I've investigated into loads of options with my therapist, so I'm hoping that I can control my emotions more if that's understandable?

Thank you for the hugs, right back at you!

Honestly, I would have reacted similar to that. Maybe not punch the walls, but probably want to actually punch the person (I resort to envisioning myself harming them and it helps calm me)...

I know how it feels to just be the one person that everybody in the group hates. It's very hard. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm never going to be able to find a friend that can understand what I'm going through or at lest just be there and let me scream and yell without taking it personally.

If faced with a similar situation, I would've blanked out. It would've hurt and I would've just swallowed it down until I got home and then would've taken it out on myself by not eating or something. The words would've gone round and round in my head that they thought I was terrible, and I would've felt terrible. And none of it would've been true!

They're the shitheads for not taking your feelings seriously. Violence is not cool, and it sucks when you find yourself doing something violent. Especially if you were triggered and it feels like it came out of nowhere. For me, I have to pay really close attention to what I swallow down when I'm being hurt by someone. That rage bubbles up eventually, and it's difficult to control if you don't find ways to vent it.

Something tells me this isn't the first time your friend did something insensitive. Can you think of any other ways your friend has acted #######5 to you in the past? Were there other times your feelings weren't considered? It may seem like your friend is abandoning you, but it might actually be a blessing in disguise, getting a negative person out of your life so you can clear the way to grow!

I have huge anger issues as well, and unfortunately no sight on getting therapy or meds for it. I really explode and even lose control of my body. When I'm in public, I try to completely freeze myself and clench my jaws. I picture the face of someone I love dearly - in my case, the girl I'm in love with - and think about nice things related to her. It doesn't always help, but it sure has prevented broken objects.

We all know what it's like needing to control your emotions here. You're in therapy, which is a great step already. Don't hesitate to post when something's bothering you, or just because you feel like it