Is it really us or them? Maybe tw?

MadMage wrote:

ejodum wrote:I know I often think if my boyfriend only understood my thought patterns and my feelings, and related to me, we would be much better off.

Might try having a little 'sit down and talk' night once a week just to try and chat about stuff?

Just avoid doing any 'you did this' statements; sounds like an accusation. If something he did bothered you or upset you, try presenting it as 'I feel ____ in this situation; could you try to do ____ for me?'

As an example, I can't stand waiting for hours for a response to a phone call or text. I would say, "hey, listen - I get worried and feel ignored when my calls go unanswered for hours/days; would you mind trying to send a quick text letting me know if you're busy and maybe how long you will be thus?". I could further explain that I would not then go on to text 300 more times in a panic because I didn't realize you had work today.

Of course, the other person could always come back with a, "I don't think I should have to inform you of my exact location and/or contact you daily", which is where I should learn to look at the relationship and say, "whelp, that ain't gonna work". Haha...

Good advice! I just have to catch him in the right mood so he is open to listening. He is very moody as well, even though he won't admit it lol. He does pretty dang good about the texting and calling. Actually the best of anyone I have ever known...probably one of the reasons things are working so well lol. But if he's in one of his moods, that last statement that you said could very well come out of his mouth and then we would have a serious problem! I will try and bring it up to him and see what he says, and maybe if I limit my talks to once a week, he will be more open to hearing me...

A bit of an outside perspective but has anyone else noticed that the Non area is loaded with questions from people where one could deduce from those question(s): "Wow that person really cares!" I've seen quite a lot of "I wish I had someone who cared about me like that" comments from BPDers on the this forum (and some may have come from people who are unaware that they do have people who do care that much).

So here's something to consider:

People who aren't capable of healthy, give/take relationships; people who do not respect boundaries; and more specifically people who lack compassion/empathy/respect for other people (e.g., Sociopaths, Narcissists, etc.) are not going to find their way to a support forum to ask questions about what happened or why something happened with someone they care about. Those people simply don't care. The contact attempts weeks or months later aren't signs they care; they're ping attempts to keep them in your mind in hopes they can use you more in the future.

Unfortunately, it seems as though BPD's are natural prey for falling into these types of relationships and being heavily exploited and further damaged while in them. Having a "fix it/them", "anything to make it work" and/or "I will become whatever you need me to be" mentality along with perhaps feelings of inadequacy, abandonment fears or lack of a sense of real worth, is prone to keep many with BPD from recognizing the toxicity of those types of people or acting in an otherwise rational and healthy way when they do realize it. Many will still cling to that "bad" relationship - be it a friend or lover.

However, in a relationship where your (healthier) partner/friend is attempting to build a real connection and some real intimacy, the very nature of BPD typically causes a chaotic push/pull and that behavior pattern is eventually seen as damaging to the trust/intimacy the partner is attempting to build. After so many repeats, this often leads to them seeing some toxicity and questioning what is happening.

Healthier relationships, romantic or otherwise, are built upon mutual respect, trust and understanding. People who are capable of that quality of relationship always run toward conflict with the goal of mutual resolution (which builds trust/intimacy and respect even further). And yes, those people may hear things they don't want to hear; they may feel temporarily invalidated or hurt while resolving things (often by realizing they were failing to give someone they love what they needed) but they stay focused on the bigger goal - a happier/healthier relationship.

Many people suffering from BPD, however, tend to run away from conflict. When you have two people and one is attempting to communicate needs/wants and boundaries, and trying to learn yours, but you have trouble communicating them (and you possibly feel invalidating by listening to theirs), it makes healthy conflict resolution nearly impossible and it hinders the building of the various components that contribute to something healthy.

So when you ask the question of "Is it really us or them?", it probably depends on who "them" actually is. There are plenty of people who simply are not capable of having very healthy relationships or interactions with people. Some of them don't care because they just exploit others; some lack the awareness of their own issues; others really strive for it but lack the tools and skills to make it successful long-term. It's likely you've met many of those people; most of us have.


I'm curious though: Have you ever ended a relationship with someone who was trying to forge a healthy relationship with you? Or does BPD make it difficult to know for sure?