New Here...Not sure I'm in the Right Place, Please help

Hi to everyone here...

I'm desperately searching for people that understand, for people that I can talk to about my mental health that aren't invested in my life (like my husband and family). My psych wants me to find support where I can talk about my BPD in a safe manner, so here goes...

I was a cutter in highschool - someone admitted to me that they cut, and for some stupid reason this triggered me to start. I slept around with older men, I had a period where I was NOT myself - I just couldn't explain in.

Then I was fine...totally fine except for some anxiety. Then I had my daughter in 2010 and all hell broke loose and I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and BPD. I became this crazy, impulsive person who couldn't control herself. I was engaging in SI again, but this time worse than before. I was seeing images in my head that were violent and directed towards my daughter and my family.

Fast forward 2 years, and a few hospitalizations, and here I am. Struggling most days to keep my head above water. I am an educated person but cannot hold down a job because I impulsively take jobs and then quit a few months later. This is my biggest problem I feel - the impulsiveness that I cannot control. To top it all off, we're expecting a baby in 2013 (via a surrogate mother because I can't go through another pregnancy bc of my depression) and now my symptoms are flaring up again.

Over the weekend I had bad bad thoughts...wanted to die. I obsessed over everything. Is this normal for BPDs to be so obsessive?? I obsessed over pregnancy tests so bad that it made me sick and i made my surrogate take one every day even though I knew she was already pregnant.

Anyways, I'm basically looking for a "home" where I can vent and support others as well. Do I sound typical? I still feel like I'm not BPD, and I know no one can tell me here, but if you could tell me if I relate to your symptoms I would appreciate it.

Welcome to to the asylum!!!

In regards to your question, I would say most of us obsess frequently. At least I do, and it's extremely annoying at night when my mind won't shut off. Currently, I've been obsessing about the same thing for the past week.

Anyways, get involved in the forum by responding to threads in which you relate and asking questions that you may have.

-- Thu Oct 11, 2012 6:54 pm --

Welcome to to the asylum!!!

In regards to your question, I would say most of us obsess frequently. At least I do, and it's extremely annoying at night when my mind won't shut off. Currently, I've been obsessing about the same thing for the past week.

Anyways, get involved in the forum by responding to threads in which you relate and asking questions that you may have.

surro88 wrote:I was a cutter in highschool - someone admitted to me that they cut, and for some stupid reason this triggered me to start. I slept around with older men, I had a period where I was NOT myself - I just couldn't explain in.

That was so me! I was actually a part of a depression forum elsewhere. Someone I knew in real life was also part of it and I honestly went there because we were young, and I was nosy about what my friend was doing. That's where I found out about SI and all that, and I started doing it. It hasn't left my mind since and I use it as a coping mechanism to this day.

I also understand what you mean about being a completely different person. I was just reflecting on a few months ago when I took part in behaviors that I can't even imagine myself doing again. I find myself questioning some choices I made, especially regarding having sex with an ex/friend/whatever he is now. The boundaries in that relationship are so blurred now, and I feel like our sexual relations and my on-and-off games really messed up any real, pure friendship we had together. I just recently had a recognition that this is BPD in the works. What I didn't recognize was the fact that I slept with him in the first place; I don't believe that I have any sexual desires to be with a man, nor have I ever. This just confuses me and caused me to give up any sexual orientation label I made for myself.

A little about me, I'm not officially diagnosed, but after being told to check out BPD (in so many words) because I exhibited symptoms, I realized that it explained my whole entire life. I started researching this summer, and though I will probably continue to remain undiagnosed for insurance reasons, my symptoms are at the core of my treatment.

In my research, I found this place and I really fell in love with it. I think you'll find that you can relate to a lot of people here. It's a friendly place and very non-judgemental. I vent so many times and I never get told to shut up. It's a welcoming place. It's a supplement to my current treatment plan.

Hope to see you around!! =)

Thanks for the replies! I'm really just trying to find a "home" and, like you said - to supplement my treatment plan. I hope to see you around as well