BPD Core Issue: Is It Always Badness?

when you get down to the core "me" i hate myself. plain and simple. i have been told my whole life that i am bad and all the people that have abandoned me reflect that. i guess that's why i'm always trying to be someone else.

cacster wrote:So, my question is: Do all BPDs feel (in their inner core) that they are bad?

(Appreciate your feedback... )

Personally, no. But I think everyone else is.

I'm only partially kidding. I honestly feel I'm 10x the human being most people are. I was 10x the friend to anyone I've ever known, 10x the boyfriend to any gf I've ever had, and 100x the spouse to my now ex was. What are the gonna do though? Should I try to be less of a person so I can get along with them?

For me, it's not really that I think that I'm a bad person, but I feel as though everyone else thinks I must be a bad person, and it kills me to have anyone think that I'm a bad person. I break down people's criticisms of me into such black and white thinking that it consistently feels as though they're calling me "bad" or "selfish" or "terrible" or any other negative word you can think of. For example just last night my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight and it started out with him saying something as simple as, "Obviously, watching the football game wasn't really that important to you if you're going to bed this early" I broke this down to mean:

Obviously watching the football game wasn't that important=
that must have mean that it wasn't true when I said that it was important to me=
that must have meant that I lied=
that must make me a liar in his eyes=
a liar is a bad person=
he must think I'm a bad person

throw that thought process together and that = me getting very upset as I try to save my dignity and hurt feelings that someone thinks that I'm a bad person.

hope this made sense...

I don't know if I'd say "bad." I don't think I'm a bad person. I am the guy who will do anything for his friends; anything. I'm loyal as a dog, and I love my family and friends more than life itself.

No, I don't feel that I'm bad. Worthless, however, is a whole other story. I may not be bad, but I'm certainly not good enough.

I don't feel like I am bad, I feel I give 100% in everything that I do, I just always come up short. I guess this means I always feel like a failure or like I am not good enough. I feel like no matter how hard I try that it doesn't seem to matter or help or change things. I agree with some of the others that it is more of a worthless feeling. I feel like a constant battle is going on in my mind between what I feel and what I "should" feel according to others.

I completely relate with cheze with the thought patterns you said you have with your boyfriend. Any off-handed remark said, I run with it and take it to heart and think he must think this or he must think that and he must not really love me or think he thinks negatively about me.

It is tiring to say the least.

I just feel that the universe is against me, so no matter what I try to do, I fail, no matter how hard I try, it never amounts to anything, nothing ever goes right, and I'm not allowed to enjoy life for extended periods of time. I sometimes think I must have been an awful person in a past life to have acquired this much bad karma. I think I'm a good person in this life, overall... I know I have bad thoughts sometimes, but it's nothing I ever act on.

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:I just feel that the universe is against me, so no matter what I try to do, I fail, no matter how hard I try, it never amounts to anything, nothing ever goes right, and I'm not allowed to enjoy life for extended periods of time. I sometimes think I must have been an awful person in a past life to have acquired this much bad karma. I think I'm a good person in this life, overall... I know I have bad thoughts sometimes, but it's nothing I ever act on.

I feel the same way, you said it perfectly when you said "I am not allowed to enjoy life for extended periods of time."

Anytime I get a glimmer of hope and start to experience a little bit of happiness, Wham! Back to reality, another setback, disappointment, rejection, failure occurs. My happiness is always short-lived. I guess I am somewhat of a negative person, but I just try and prepare myself for what always happens. It would be nice if I was proved wrong more often, but time and time again I am let down just like I was expecting.

2nd diagnosis inclueded borderline and i feel great (specialy if i do something bad)
but i'm special
Korn - Freak On A Leash
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9Fg8bwGYxI